The Fleetingness of Mommyhood

Since I have a little time off before I start my new job next Monday, I decided that this week I would take Emily to some fun places, spend a little mommy-daughter time together. I figured the Science Centre would be a safe bet. Emily has really been getting into the planets lately, she's always saying Jupiter this, Saturn that. I hope she turns into an astronomy nerd. I was like that when I was her age. I drew pictures of our solar system with the planets all in order and took great pains colouring them in, making sure I got every nuance of Saturn's rings and Jupiter's Great Red Spot. Unfortunately, the Planetarium here in Toronto has been shut down for a few years, so I figured the Science Centre would be the next best thing. So, we headed out.

Unfortunately, we had to take the subway because my car is in the shop. Long story, but to make it short, it was my fault and I have to pay to fix both cars. It's a long ride to the Science Centre from where we live, and it was quite muggy yesterday. Anyway, we got there a few minutes early and I got a coffee and I got Emily her usual heinous breakfast of Cheetos and an Orange Crush while we waited for the place to open. (I know, as a mother I should be more nutritionally responsible, but there are only so many choices at these food stands and Emily is very picky, won't even touch a muffin.)

My first inkling that this outing wouldn't be the same as our previous mommy/daughter outings was how fidgety she was before the place even opened. She kept whining about how much longer we had to wait, etc. When I took Emily to places when she was younger, it was so different. She was always so much more interested in her surroundings, and just loved being with me. Now, she was getting annoyed and whiny and I could see traces of the teenager in her starting to emerge.

Our first exhibit when the Centre opened was a place called "Kidspace", where they had all these really cool gizmos for the kids to try. There were trick mirrors, pots and pans to bang on and make music, echo chambers, water fountains and bubble pools, air machines that the kids could aim upwards and blow plastic beach balls. There was even this really cool play supermarket with bins that had plastic food, like a real supermarket, and baskets for the kids to use as if they were shopping, and even a play cash register and aprons for the kids to put on and pretend they were the cashier. She loved that.

But when we headed over to the "Space" section, that's where things went downhill. I guess she was really looking forward to seeing something on the planets but there wasn't really anything, just a lot of stuff about the moon and the sun and stars. We went into this little chamber to watch a movie on the ceiling about the birth of the solar system. Morgan Freeman narrated it. Even I had to admit it was a little disappointing. Plus, the fact that I had looked it up on the Internet the night before and the website said that you could meet a Martian there, and there was nothing resembling a Martian didn't help. So, by the time we headed up to the "Human Body" exhibit, Emily was pretty pissed.

I have to admit, I was fascinated with the Human Body exhibit. And let me tell you, if you ever want to teach your kids about sex but are too shy, take them to the Science Centre in Toronto. It had the most straightforward, no bones about it displays about the whole process, and I mean, whole process. I stood there amused while a bunch of schoolkids crowded around a display on human reproduction. There was some kind of film they were watching, and after a few seconds I heard them hoot with laughter and start saying, "Nasty!" The first chance I got, I went over there and watched this thing. It had animation a man and woman kissing, then a silhouette of the man inserting his penis into her vagina and ejaculating inside her (side view).

The other stuff in there was really amazing. They had an elephant heart in a glass case. An elephant heart is really big. They had actual specimens of human organs in displays highlighting where the arteries and veins were. It was really fascinating. But Emily was totally bored. All she wanted to do was go home. I couldn't help feeling disappointed. It just seemed so different from when she was smaller, and everything I told her about or showed her was a constant source of amazement. I remember taking her to Marineland and her smile was so wide, and I remember watching her little face streak by as she rode a little roller coaster with my friend. I can still feel how my heart welled up when I saw her go by, she was so cute. Now, it seems like all she can do is whine and complain. She's only 7. I don't know whether it's her age, a phase she's going through, or the situation between me and my husband, but it seems like nothing I do anymore can really please her. I so miss that "totally in sync with mommy" phase, when she was still my little baby, and she needed me so obviously.

At least, on the way home on the train, I got a tiny piece of it. She was so tired, and she leaned her little head against my arm on the ride home, almost falling asleep. I looked over at her and smiled sadly, knowing all too well that I had better enjoy that fleeting moment. That even that would be gone all too soon.

Best Behaviour

For most of this past summer, my husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. We have a trailer north of Toronto where we go every weekend during the summer. It's a really beautiful, serene place. You can really get away from it all up there. There are hundreds of miles of trees rising and falling in hilly formations everywhere you look, the water is never far away, and the lakes are silver and glistening in the sunlight. It's just the sort of setting you would imagine that the reconciliation of husband and wife would take place.

If it weren't for the common ground of our trailer, I don't think much would be happening between us. We likely wouldn't be seeing each other, wouldn't be talking, wouldn't even be thinking "reconciliation". But, since we have been going up there and spending the weekends together (no, there has not been any sex, I sleep in a separate room), we have been doing a lot of talking and hand-holding.

I talked to a friend of mine about this recently, the kind of friend I totally admire, who is brutally honest and straightforward. "What kind of game are you playing?" she asked me. "You're going up there every weekend with your daughter, you're spending your time with him, when you should be going out with your girlfriends and meeting people." In a way, she is right. I did willingly walk back into this situation knowing that it would foster a lot of closeness and discussion, while knowing I was not sure that was what I wanted. The truth is, I love my independence. I love my autonomy. I love having this apartment, I love my freedom. I also know that even though it has only been a few months, I am beginning to think a little differently.

I have always been an idealist. I have always dreamed of having the perfect romance, the perfect man. I came to realize a few years ago that the perfect man does not exist. He is a figment of every woman's imagination, and some of us obsess on him to the point of pure ridiculousness and out of complete negligence for our own lives. There are definitely men out there that come in different varieties: acceptable, not acceptable, desirable, unattainable ... Some of them are going to be good for us, and some of them are going to be bad for us. Obviously, you want to find one who is more on the good side than the bad. But there is no way in hell you will ever find a perfect man, just as they will never find the perfect woman. We all have our quirks, we all have our good and bad points.

Since I have been single, I have met 3 men. I know this is a very small number, and I know I have not been single for long. But a realization has been growing inside me since I met them, not only from meeting them, but also from absorbing the general atmosphere of the singles "dating scene" (ugh). It's not good. Everyone out there is searching, so hard, for the perfect person. The majority of people, both men and women, are convinced that this person exists, so when they meet someone who is only "half perfect", they discard them in the hope that they will find The One they are looking for. This is really the sense I have been getting with the single life. It's like there is this mass neurosis going on, and in the face of it, I really don't believe I have much of a chance. I am an overweight, 41-year-old single mother. Hardly perfect in the eyes of potential perfection seekers. And I really don't feel like subjecting myself to it either.

This is not to say that I have given up and I intend to get back together with my husband out of a sense of defeat, or fear. I am not afraid to be alone. It's not what I would prefer, but I am not afraid of it. I am more than capable of taking care of myself, I have proven that to myself. But it has definitely made me re-think my reasons for leaving and think more about what I am giving up. I have been with my husband, altogether, for almost 20 years. He is not perfect, but he is far from terrible. He has weaknesses, he has frailties, he has difficulties with emotional matters, like everyone else on this planet, and most importantly, myself. I have started thinking more about his many positive qualities, instead of always focusing on the negative ones. I have started asking myself, Should I be appreciating this more? Should I be accepting the fact that he and I are not perfect, and still make it possible for this to be okay? Am I on a wild goose chase here, looking for the perfect man, while in the meantime, this perfectly sweet, humble man, who so obviously cares about me is right here all the time ... in fact, he has never gone away, no matter how hard I have tried to push him?

I went to see a Life Coach a couple of years ago. He was always asking me, "Can you accept this for what it is? If you can't say it's good, can you at least be neutral about it?" I don't want to be neutral about my love life. I want to be jumping up and down, madly in love, my heart thumping in my chest, my panties wet. Then again, I also don't want to be depressed, lonely, pining for someone who will never appear and regretting the loss of someone who desperately wanted me.

My friend said my husband is being on his best behaviour because he wants me to come home. "Did it ever occur to you that you are getting along so well because you're not living together?" Hmmmmm ... good point.

Good, bad, or neutral? Most of us want good. None of us want bad. But how many of us want neutral? How many of us would choose it? I don't know ... but I suspect that most of us would prefer spending our lives at either extreme, just so that we could feel emotionally alive.

Sucking It Up

I have just made one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. I didn't sleep very well last night, or the one before, because it's all I have been thinking about. But today is the day. It's 7:21 a.m. and I'm sitting here in a t-shirt and my underwear doing this post. Not a pretty picture, especially since I've been binging like a maniac for the past little while in order to cope with the pressure. Other things have been going on too, but this main quandary I have been in has generally been the culprit.

I have been offered two jobs. Job A is at a marketing firm. It's a proofreading job in a "studio". The woman who interviewed me was absolutely wonderful. She and I clicked right away and were joking around with each other comfortably. She's a very extroverted, lively, smart as hell woman who runs a tight ship, but not in a tyrannical way. I took a proofreading test to qualify and she told me I scored the highest out of everyone who took it. It sounds like the absolute perfect job for me, except for the fact that the hours are abysmal, 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. No ifs, ands or buts. She needs to fill this shift.

Job B is, ironically and fittingly enough, at the major competitor of my old company. It is also a proofreading job, but the job is definitely much dryer in the sense that they are a legal publisher, and I will be working in the tax, accounting, and financial planning department. You see what I mean. Then again, for all I know, it may not be as boring and dull as it seems, because I was told I will be working on books as well. The main thing is, the hours are normal. It is a day shift, it's a beautiful building, and the people I interviewed with were very nice, very pleasant, although I didn't connect with them as strongly as I did with the woman at Job A.

I was offered Job A last week, with a 3-month contract to start, to see how I fit in with the shift and with the routine there. She told me she has had an extremely difficult time finding people to work that shift, it's been driving her crazy. What makes me feel so bad is, she told me from the very beginning, when she first phoned me to even come in for the test, that it was an evening shift, it was 2-10, and was I okay with that? I knew I wasn't, but I answered yes anyway because I figured I might not get it anyway, and if I did, I would deal with it later. I just wanted an interview, I certainly wasn't going to turn it down.

I was offered Job B formally yesterday morning. I told her yes but I was still seriously considering the other one, which I had also agreed to, although I hadn't signed the Offer Letter she sent me. I've been stalling, delaying the inevitable, and I have decided that this morning I will call her and tell her that I really regret having to do it, but I will have to turn it down, and only because of the hours. I know she will probably not be very pleased, since she was straight with me about the hours from the very beginning. But I have been thinking about this and thinking about this and I just cannot see a way that this will work. I have been desperately trying to concoct a scenario in which it will work, even going so far as to moving back in with my husband so that my daughter will have a parent to look after her while I am not there. I certainly am not about to put her in the care of some stranger, no matter how highly recommended she comes. But obviously, I know that would be a pretty ridiculous reason to move back in. More on that later. There's a lot of drama going on in my life lately.

Even up until about midnight last night, I was pretty much decided I would take the evening shift job. It just seems like such a fucking dream job, the opportunity I have been waiting for my whole life. But then I think about not seeing my daughter for the majority of the week -- only on weekends, basically, and not having a life other than my job. I know you have to make sacrifices sometimes, and if I knew that maybe in a year I could move to a day shift, I would be willing to make that sacrifice. But she gave me no indication that that is an option, and it would be stupid to make assumptions, so ... I figure that even if it is my second choice, the pay is a little less, and the job probably much less exciting, I will have to go with the day job after all. It fucking kills me. I have never been so excited about a job before, as I was with this marketing firm. When I talk to her today, I am going to apologize profusely for backing out at the last minute, but tell her honestly that I just don't think it's a feasible option for me as I have a young child who needs me at home. Like I said, I know she will probably be very pissed off but I am going to ask her to please keep me in mind if a day shift ever opens up or even an earlier shift. That's all I can do.

Fuck.

Jealousy

I saw this topic briefly mentioned on a blog I visit regularly, and I thought it was definitely worthy of a longer mention. I'm speaking of jealousy, specifically the jealousy one woman feels when either a good friend or even an acquaintance finds love and she doesn't. I have been the harbourer of this kind of jealousy on many occasions. When I was in high school, I was the one who never got any dates or never got asked to dance at school dances, while the rest of most of my girlfriends' social lives were buzzing. I remember so well the feeling of pretending to be happy for a friend when she told me she was going steady with a guy. I remember the fake smile, the fake enthusiasm, very well.

All of us want to be loved. When we see other people around us being loved on a regular basis, and we continue to be alone, we feel unworthy and angry. I know I did. As I have gotten older, I have become (thank God) more mature and more philosophical about it. I look back on those times when I was that lonely teenage girl with so many dreams and hopes unrealized, and I feel total compassion for her. Of course she was jealous. Why shouldn't she have been? She was a beautiful, sweet, funny, smart girl, and she might as well have been invisible for all the good it did her.

It's funny now, because last week I lied to a friend of mine to get her to babysit my daughter while I went out on a date. I knew she would be jealous if I told her I had a date and would probably not babysit as a result, so I told her I was going to a seminar instead. I'm practical, you see. I remember all too well that I'll show you somehow feeling, so I used a little reverse psychology.

There is nothing more vindictive or scheming than a jealous woman. Trust me.

Viva Italiaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

I am not a sports fan. At all. Once every couple of years, when either the summer or winter Olympics is on, I'll tune in to catch a few events. Or maybe if a World Series game is being played (especially if the Blue Jays or Yankees are involved), I will watch a few innings. But generally, I could care less.

I did not watch more than ten minutes of any World Cup game. But it sure as hell is hard to ignore, when it's going on for a month and that seems to be all anyone is talking about. However, I have to admit, I love World Cup time. It's the one time that everyone is loudly, fervently proud of their ethnicity and I think that's great. Today, when Emily and I were on our way home from up north, and getting on the on-ramp to Toronto, there was a sea of Italian flags waving out car windows, horns honking, people smiling, waving. I'm glad Italy won. I love Italian people, I love Italian food, I love Italian art, and as I was watching the penalty kicks that won them the game, I couldn't help but notice, that the Italian goalie was extremely hot. :-) Way to go, Azzurri!!!!!

What is it about the World Cup that drives people so nuts? I think it's the chance to really express pride in their ethnicity, to shout about who they are. As well they should. I know that Italians everywhere are going to be partying tonight.

The Art of the Interview

Looking for a job is a full-time job in itself, if you really want to maximize your prospects. It is amazing the amount of time it can take, if you factor in preparing your resume, writing cover letters, sending emails, faxes, searching job boards and classified ads. Over the past month or so, I really went to it with a vengeance and flooded the market with a surge of resumes to prospective employers, and I guess it really paid off because my phone has been ringing off the hook for the past week and I can barely keep track of my schedule.

It's funny how you can bust your ass sending resumes and so on and nothing happens for a month or so. It's so quiet you can hear the crickets chirping. Then all of a sudden, the dam bursts and it's a goddam flood. This past Monday, I had an interview for a proofreading/clerical job. Then, yesterday, I had to go and do a proofreading test in order to qualify for the interview. I got the call today that I qualified, and that interview is set for next Monday afternoon. Tomorrow afternoon I have an interview for a proofreading job. Then, on Friday morning, I have an interview for a clerical job. On Monday afternoon I have the interview that I qualified for with the proofing test.

I'm not complaining with this sudden flood of prospects, but my head is starting to spin. The good thing about it is that because I have so many of them scheduled so close together, I will stay in "interview mode" and likely do better in the interviews than I would if I had gotten them scattered much further apart.

There is definitely a certain aura you have to bring to an interview. The art of bullshit has to be very precisely mastered. You cannot stumble, you cannot fumble, or else you will tumble. :-) There are certain questions that are asked every time, and if you falter or misspeak, it is goodbye. Here are some of the danger questions I have found that make or break an interview:

1. Why did you leave your last job?
Of course they are trying to find out if you are an irresponsible quitter or are incompetent. Good answer: "My company was restructuring and unfortunately my job was phased out. They didn't have an alternative position to offer me, so I had to move on."

2. What interested you about this position?
They are trying to find out how enthusiastic you will be about the job and if you would stick with it once you got it. Bullshit your ass off. Try to make the filing of legal documents or frying of hamburgers as appealing and exciting as possible to you. "I really enjoy the smell of McDonald's hamburgers cooking and I feel that they are a reasonably nutritious meal, despite what Morgan Spurlock says."

3. Where do you see yourself in five years?
They are trying to find out, of course, if you will stick with the company. Keep on track. "I see myself happily working in this company, possibly with added responsibilities, if they are available." You have to also let them think you are amenable to moving up, whether you are or not.

4. What kind of environment do you prefer to work in?
Careful. They are trying to find out if you can get along with assholes as well as nice people. Say something like, "I prefer working in an environment where everyone gets along and works together. I value teamwork." This shows you are the kind of person who strives to appease everyone. (Yeah, right.)

5. How would you handle it if a supervisor criticized your performance or decision on a work matter?
This is similar to the above. You have to let them know that you can handle criticism and even welcome it. "I would listen very carefully to what my supervisor had to say and then offer my opinions if I disagreed. But I would not get angry or take it personally. I would realize that it is coming strictly from a work perspective, not a personal one." (Fuck off.)

These are just a few of the questions I have come across with regularity in my job search(es). You would think that with all the practice I have had lately that I would have found my dream job by now, but alas ... it is yet to arrive. Anyway, I'm glad I have so many interviews scheduled so I can stay sharp. Interview skills, like all others, tend to fade if you haven't used them for awhile.

Most importantly, you have to remember to give them the answers THEY want to hear ... which, of course, is not necessarily the truth. I have no reservations whatsoever about bullshitting or inflating something in order to appear more appealing to them. Hey, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and I'm a single mom. I'll do what I have to do and say what I have to say. That doesn't mean I'll be a lousy employee if I get the job, but I'll sure as hell say whatever I need to to get my ass in the door.

Besides, I am one hell of a proofreader. :-)