Binger's Ball
The movie "Monster's Ball" received a lot of critical acclaim a few years ago. If you have never seen it, it was about a young, black single mother (played by Halle Berry) with an overweight son whose ex-husband was convicted of murder and executed. The other major character is a middle-aged prison guard (Billy Bob Thornton) with a son as well, with whom he has a love-hate relationship. Both characters lose their sons and suffer great emotional torment from it. The young single mother loses her son in a car accident, and the prison guard, although he loves his son, does not know how to express it because of his own coldhearted father, and drives his son to suicide with his cold hostility.
In one of the most memorable scenes, the woman and the man, who have become acquainted, are in her apartment together drinking, when the conversation drifts to her son, who she also treated cruelly, because of his weight. It's obvious she has great remorse about this, and while talking about him, she breaks down and begins sobbing. The man asks her what he can do to help, and she says, "Make me feel good, make me feel good," and starts pulling her top down to bare her breasts, and they channel their mutual grief about their sons into a passionate lovemaking session.
Why am I going to such great lengths to describe this scene to you? Well, it's because that's what I do with food. I'd love to channel my grief and bad feelings into sex instead, but for some reason, I have chosen food as my outlet. Whenever I am stressed, sad, depressed, worried, nervous ... any uncomfortable feeling, basically ... I eat to get away from it.
I want to banish this habit from my life forever. I am so tired of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't escape it, like I will never be free of it, and therefore, overweight and unhappy for the rest of my life. It's obvious the diets don't work. But there are so many scams out there. I was looking on the internet this morning for some info about hypnosis ... that's one thing I haven't tried yet ... but I just don't know if it will work, or if it will just line some greedy son-of-a-bitch's pocket instead.
I'm about ready to go into a church, kneel down and pray for help with this. I fucking hate being fat. Yet I have been fat for the majority of my life. In other words, I have hated how I look (and feel, as a result) for the majority of my life.
Go figure.
In one of the most memorable scenes, the woman and the man, who have become acquainted, are in her apartment together drinking, when the conversation drifts to her son, who she also treated cruelly, because of his weight. It's obvious she has great remorse about this, and while talking about him, she breaks down and begins sobbing. The man asks her what he can do to help, and she says, "Make me feel good, make me feel good," and starts pulling her top down to bare her breasts, and they channel their mutual grief about their sons into a passionate lovemaking session.
Why am I going to such great lengths to describe this scene to you? Well, it's because that's what I do with food. I'd love to channel my grief and bad feelings into sex instead, but for some reason, I have chosen food as my outlet. Whenever I am stressed, sad, depressed, worried, nervous ... any uncomfortable feeling, basically ... I eat to get away from it.
I want to banish this habit from my life forever. I am so tired of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't escape it, like I will never be free of it, and therefore, overweight and unhappy for the rest of my life. It's obvious the diets don't work. But there are so many scams out there. I was looking on the internet this morning for some info about hypnosis ... that's one thing I haven't tried yet ... but I just don't know if it will work, or if it will just line some greedy son-of-a-bitch's pocket instead.
I'm about ready to go into a church, kneel down and pray for help with this. I fucking hate being fat. Yet I have been fat for the majority of my life. In other words, I have hated how I look (and feel, as a result) for the majority of my life.
Go figure.
posted by emily pound at 12:36 PM
5 Comments:
bah this seems a familiar theme eh?! my stress obsession is running. i run anyway, but when i'm stressed i overdo it...and yet somehow, i can't seem to beat the size of my ass into shape! i'm tempted to say that the eating and the body image issues aren't related, but i know they seem to be...i fucking hate that we're beaten into hating ourselves no matter what. grrr.
*hug*
I am down 40 pounds in the last few months, 20 of it in the last month. It comes from a mostly no carb thing, the Fat Flush diet, plus some falling back on my anorexic tendancies. Eliminating the carbs seems to cut the cravings out entirely after a short time. The diet is a bit hard the first two weeks, then becomes a breeze. Of course, I am highly motivated because I want to leave this baggage aquired during my marriage behind when I go in a few months. You may actually need to buy the book but the info for the diet in on ivillage. You don't have to be as religious as she is about it for it to work. You know, you're still a wonderful person no matter what your size, but I understand better than most anyone how you feel. Good luck.
Thank you, spellbound and roselle, for your supportive words.
How I wish I had THE answer. Or is there one?
Dear Gabriella,
I totally feel this too. There are some days I wake up and feel good about myself. I dress up, go out, and then seeing a reflection of myself in a window, think "geez, Im fat!" It is driving me crazy. I have put back a few pounds because I have been severely depressed. I feel gross about myself, but I just don't know how to break that feeling of craving sweets. It is my achilles heel, so to speak.
I know how you feel about being overweight. I have been so, most of my life, with just a few times being slim. Those times, I still felt fat though. Go figure! I would love to be that slim again.
That's why I despise those fat haters. The ones who tell us it's easy to lose weight. For some of us, it just isn't that easy.
I agree, though, to love yourself the way you are. I think it's easier to make positive changes if you start out loving yourself. I am going to work on my healthy eating plan, but instead of hating my body, I am going to love it and treat it right.
Have a wonderful day,
Hugs, Jennie
You seem like a very nice person who has a bad self image. I think most of us have some part of ourselves that we are not happy with. Like sometimes I think my nose is too big etc. But we are all people and all flawed in some way shape or form.
Some of us need constant support from outside of ourselves to achieve the goals we want to reach whether it be losing weight or quiting smoking etc.
What I'm saying is it sounds like you need a good support base out there who could help you either come to terms with who you are as a person or help you change into the person you would like to become.
Good luck!! hang in there!!!
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