I'm Feeling So ... Wistful

Have you ever noticed the expressions on womens' faces in lingerie ads? This weekend -- a long weekend, no less -- I had absolutely nothing to do, so I resigned myself to going through every single insert in the paper. There, of course, were multiple flyers, including the always-fascinating Wal-Mart flyers, so I decided to thumb through them seeing what cheap shit I don't need, and, as usual, I found myself going through the underwear section.

These women modelling the bras and panties seem to have two expressions: either they are sitting there in their undies looking very serene and wistful, as if they're thinking: my life is just so blessed, thank you God, for giving me this beautiful body, beautiful house, beautiful husband with the huge penis and gorgeous kids and seven-figure income, and, I think I'll bake Aunt Margaret one of those lovely apple pies just to thank her for babysitting the kids yesterday ... or, they're laughing out loud at some unseen vision, as if, Oh, I'm so happy and so lucky to have such a great bunch of family and friends! But, they could also be looking at some guy lying naked on the bed, going, Are you kidding? You call THAT a penis! I call it a popsicle stick!

And, as far as Wal-Mart flyers go, I'd really like to know one thing: why do they name the shoes? You know, they show pictures of various pairs of sneakers and heels and boots and they all have a name beside them: Heather, Marie, Linda, etc. What the fuh? I personally would really like to see a David Hasselhoff pair.

So, that's been my weekend. While everyone else is out there partying, kegging, flirting and fucking, I'm seriously pondering the inner meaning of Wal-Mart flyers and watching Spongebob reruns with my daughter. And, much as I love Spongebob, I know ... it's sad.