Best Behaviour
For most of this past summer, my husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. We have a trailer north of Toronto where we go every weekend during the summer. It's a really beautiful, serene place. You can really get away from it all up there. There are hundreds of miles of trees rising and falling in hilly formations everywhere you look, the water is never far away, and the lakes are silver and glistening in the sunlight. It's just the sort of setting you would imagine that the reconciliation of husband and wife would take place.
If it weren't for the common ground of our trailer, I don't think much would be happening between us. We likely wouldn't be seeing each other, wouldn't be talking, wouldn't even be thinking "reconciliation". But, since we have been going up there and spending the weekends together (no, there has not been any sex, I sleep in a separate room), we have been doing a lot of talking and hand-holding.
I talked to a friend of mine about this recently, the kind of friend I totally admire, who is brutally honest and straightforward. "What kind of game are you playing?" she asked me. "You're going up there every weekend with your daughter, you're spending your time with him, when you should be going out with your girlfriends and meeting people." In a way, she is right. I did willingly walk back into this situation knowing that it would foster a lot of closeness and discussion, while knowing I was not sure that was what I wanted. The truth is, I love my independence. I love my autonomy. I love having this apartment, I love my freedom. I also know that even though it has only been a few months, I am beginning to think a little differently.
I have always been an idealist. I have always dreamed of having the perfect romance, the perfect man. I came to realize a few years ago that the perfect man does not exist. He is a figment of every woman's imagination, and some of us obsess on him to the point of pure ridiculousness and out of complete negligence for our own lives. There are definitely men out there that come in different varieties: acceptable, not acceptable, desirable, unattainable ... Some of them are going to be good for us, and some of them are going to be bad for us. Obviously, you want to find one who is more on the good side than the bad. But there is no way in hell you will ever find a perfect man, just as they will never find the perfect woman. We all have our quirks, we all have our good and bad points.
Since I have been single, I have met 3 men. I know this is a very small number, and I know I have not been single for long. But a realization has been growing inside me since I met them, not only from meeting them, but also from absorbing the general atmosphere of the singles "dating scene" (ugh). It's not good. Everyone out there is searching, so hard, for the perfect person. The majority of people, both men and women, are convinced that this person exists, so when they meet someone who is only "half perfect", they discard them in the hope that they will find The One they are looking for. This is really the sense I have been getting with the single life. It's like there is this mass neurosis going on, and in the face of it, I really don't believe I have much of a chance. I am an overweight, 41-year-old single mother. Hardly perfect in the eyes of potential perfection seekers. And I really don't feel like subjecting myself to it either.
This is not to say that I have given up and I intend to get back together with my husband out of a sense of defeat, or fear. I am not afraid to be alone. It's not what I would prefer, but I am not afraid of it. I am more than capable of taking care of myself, I have proven that to myself. But it has definitely made me re-think my reasons for leaving and think more about what I am giving up. I have been with my husband, altogether, for almost 20 years. He is not perfect, but he is far from terrible. He has weaknesses, he has frailties, he has difficulties with emotional matters, like everyone else on this planet, and most importantly, myself. I have started thinking more about his many positive qualities, instead of always focusing on the negative ones. I have started asking myself, Should I be appreciating this more? Should I be accepting the fact that he and I are not perfect, and still make it possible for this to be okay? Am I on a wild goose chase here, looking for the perfect man, while in the meantime, this perfectly sweet, humble man, who so obviously cares about me is right here all the time ... in fact, he has never gone away, no matter how hard I have tried to push him?
I went to see a Life Coach a couple of years ago. He was always asking me, "Can you accept this for what it is? If you can't say it's good, can you at least be neutral about it?" I don't want to be neutral about my love life. I want to be jumping up and down, madly in love, my heart thumping in my chest, my panties wet. Then again, I also don't want to be depressed, lonely, pining for someone who will never appear and regretting the loss of someone who desperately wanted me.
My friend said my husband is being on his best behaviour because he wants me to come home. "Did it ever occur to you that you are getting along so well because you're not living together?" Hmmmmm ... good point.
Good, bad, or neutral? Most of us want good. None of us want bad. But how many of us want neutral? How many of us would choose it? I don't know ... but I suspect that most of us would prefer spending our lives at either extreme, just so that we could feel emotionally alive.
If it weren't for the common ground of our trailer, I don't think much would be happening between us. We likely wouldn't be seeing each other, wouldn't be talking, wouldn't even be thinking "reconciliation". But, since we have been going up there and spending the weekends together (no, there has not been any sex, I sleep in a separate room), we have been doing a lot of talking and hand-holding.
I talked to a friend of mine about this recently, the kind of friend I totally admire, who is brutally honest and straightforward. "What kind of game are you playing?" she asked me. "You're going up there every weekend with your daughter, you're spending your time with him, when you should be going out with your girlfriends and meeting people." In a way, she is right. I did willingly walk back into this situation knowing that it would foster a lot of closeness and discussion, while knowing I was not sure that was what I wanted. The truth is, I love my independence. I love my autonomy. I love having this apartment, I love my freedom. I also know that even though it has only been a few months, I am beginning to think a little differently.
I have always been an idealist. I have always dreamed of having the perfect romance, the perfect man. I came to realize a few years ago that the perfect man does not exist. He is a figment of every woman's imagination, and some of us obsess on him to the point of pure ridiculousness and out of complete negligence for our own lives. There are definitely men out there that come in different varieties: acceptable, not acceptable, desirable, unattainable ... Some of them are going to be good for us, and some of them are going to be bad for us. Obviously, you want to find one who is more on the good side than the bad. But there is no way in hell you will ever find a perfect man, just as they will never find the perfect woman. We all have our quirks, we all have our good and bad points.
Since I have been single, I have met 3 men. I know this is a very small number, and I know I have not been single for long. But a realization has been growing inside me since I met them, not only from meeting them, but also from absorbing the general atmosphere of the singles "dating scene" (ugh). It's not good. Everyone out there is searching, so hard, for the perfect person. The majority of people, both men and women, are convinced that this person exists, so when they meet someone who is only "half perfect", they discard them in the hope that they will find The One they are looking for. This is really the sense I have been getting with the single life. It's like there is this mass neurosis going on, and in the face of it, I really don't believe I have much of a chance. I am an overweight, 41-year-old single mother. Hardly perfect in the eyes of potential perfection seekers. And I really don't feel like subjecting myself to it either.
This is not to say that I have given up and I intend to get back together with my husband out of a sense of defeat, or fear. I am not afraid to be alone. It's not what I would prefer, but I am not afraid of it. I am more than capable of taking care of myself, I have proven that to myself. But it has definitely made me re-think my reasons for leaving and think more about what I am giving up. I have been with my husband, altogether, for almost 20 years. He is not perfect, but he is far from terrible. He has weaknesses, he has frailties, he has difficulties with emotional matters, like everyone else on this planet, and most importantly, myself. I have started thinking more about his many positive qualities, instead of always focusing on the negative ones. I have started asking myself, Should I be appreciating this more? Should I be accepting the fact that he and I are not perfect, and still make it possible for this to be okay? Am I on a wild goose chase here, looking for the perfect man, while in the meantime, this perfectly sweet, humble man, who so obviously cares about me is right here all the time ... in fact, he has never gone away, no matter how hard I have tried to push him?
I went to see a Life Coach a couple of years ago. He was always asking me, "Can you accept this for what it is? If you can't say it's good, can you at least be neutral about it?" I don't want to be neutral about my love life. I want to be jumping up and down, madly in love, my heart thumping in my chest, my panties wet. Then again, I also don't want to be depressed, lonely, pining for someone who will never appear and regretting the loss of someone who desperately wanted me.
My friend said my husband is being on his best behaviour because he wants me to come home. "Did it ever occur to you that you are getting along so well because you're not living together?" Hmmmmm ... good point.
Good, bad, or neutral? Most of us want good. None of us want bad. But how many of us want neutral? How many of us would choose it? I don't know ... but I suspect that most of us would prefer spending our lives at either extreme, just so that we could feel emotionally alive.
posted by emily pound at 11:00 AM
3 Comments:
Thank you, Jennie. You're right, I shouldn't rush back into being officially "back" with my husband, and, there may very well be someone out there who could rock my world. Maybe it's just the whole internet dating thing that has me so cynical. Let me tell you, if that dating scene is anything to go by, I will not hold my breath. It's really, really superficial and sad.
Slow, gentle, accepting, wary. That's what you need to be. You can't forget what he did that hurt you. You have to accept that there is no perfection and no matter who you meet, there's going to be a quirk that you hate. Everyone has one. Don't go rushing back to him because you'd rather be with him than be alone. And be gentle with your daughter, it'll be hard for her to understand what's going on. Mommy and daddy fighting meanly to each other and then suddenly, they're getting along. Confusing to a little girl. Nothing wrong with being friends, that's wonderful, really it is. But you definitely need to be gentle around her.
You're a great woman. Being happy is about choosing to be so. Accepting what you have, and what you don't. I'm a major hypocrite there too lol
What I think you need to ask yourself most, is when you're 70, and your sex life (let's face it) is pretty much dead, what/who do you want with you? What's the most important thing at that point?
Just giving some food for thought. I'm not entirely right lol But I do like to provoke some thought.
~Lily
Hi Lily,
That is excellent advice. Slow, gentle, accepting, and WARY, big time. My daughter loves the fact that my husband and I are getting along so well again, and she keeps asking me when we're going to move back in. I keep telling her I'm not sure if that's going to happen, but I don't want to out and out say that either. The chance of us getting back together, at least temporarily, looks pretty good at this point ... but that's just it. If we get back together, I don't want it to be temporary, for my sake as much as my daughter's. I do not to subject her through another moving-out scenario. And that's why wariness is SO important.
I liked your point about, think who you want to be with at 70, when the sex is pretty much over. You're so right. When all is said and done, what's really important? That's what we all have to ask ourselves.
Thanks for your support and your wisdom.
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