Thought Provoking
I saw the greatest quote today. It is from Nikos Kazantzakis, the author of The Last Temptation of Christ. It went like this: "The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
I read this, stared at it, and just absorbed it for a minute. Then I thought, Wow. That probably is completely true, if you really think about it. Think about all the things you've wanted, or still want, in your life. Why don't you have them? Be completely honest with yourself. I think when it comes down to it, Mr. Kazantazakis is absolutely right. Sure, obstacles get in your way sometimes. Sometimes things are really difficult. But if you truly, truly, deep in your heart and soul want something, nothing will stop you from getting it.
Let's apply this to a few instances in my own life. I am more than willing to be the guinea pig to prove this theory true. Here are some things I really, really want:
1. To be at a healthy weight, and look the way I want to.
Now ... let's put this theory to the test. This situation is non-existent for me right now. Why? Have I sufficiently desired it? The answer is, I have desired it, but not sufficiently. If I really, truly, completely, utterly wanted this to be the case, it would be a reality. I have done it before. Yes, the way I have gone about losing weight was not healthy, and not maintainable, but when I lost the most weight I have ever lost and got to a size where I looked really, really good, I desperately, passionately wanted it. I let nothing get in my way. I was determined. Now ... yes, of course I want these things, but when things get rough or I feel depressed or bored or whatever, I have gone for my old standby, food. I have not exercised the way I used to (thankfully, I'm starting to again). I have not desired it sufficiently. No way.
2. To have a mutually satisfying love relationship, complete with lots of sex.
Non-existent, to say the least. Why? Because I have been procrastinating. My husband desperately wants to get back together and we have been seeing a lot of each other up at the trailer every weekend, which has led to a lot of companionable time together, which leads him to believe we will get back together, while I have no intention of doing so. So, in essence, I am leading him on because I don't want to go through the whole rigamarole of telling him that over and over. Consequently, I feel guilt for even getting emails from other men, looking at other men on dating websites, and am really not pursuing a viable relationship because my marriage is still very much a presence in my life right now. I have even considered giving it another chance (albeit with much counselling). Therefore, is the above the kind of relationship I truly desire? It sure feels that way to me. Then why am I being so wishy-washy with my husband and keep delaying the inevitable? And why? For the safety, the security of having someone, even though the relationship doesn't make me feel the woman I truly am? Very possible. So, I guess it's fair to say I haven't desired this sufficiently.
Those are just a couple of examples from my own life. Think about circumstances in your own life and ask yourself the same questions. Why don't you have what you want? Be really honest. It will open your eyes.
We are so quick to blame other people or outside circumstances as the reasons for why we don't have what we want. We say we don't have a good relationship because all men/women are jerks ... we don't have enough money because the company we work for pays us shit ... etc. etc. etc. The truth is, there always options.
Everything we want is out there. It is within our grasp. We just have to have the guts and the determination to go about getting it. Before anything becomes a reality, it has to exist in your mind first. Any physicist will tell you that. Picture what you want, imagine feeling the way you would feel if you had what you wanted. Then, go and get it. It is yours.
I read this, stared at it, and just absorbed it for a minute. Then I thought, Wow. That probably is completely true, if you really think about it. Think about all the things you've wanted, or still want, in your life. Why don't you have them? Be completely honest with yourself. I think when it comes down to it, Mr. Kazantazakis is absolutely right. Sure, obstacles get in your way sometimes. Sometimes things are really difficult. But if you truly, truly, deep in your heart and soul want something, nothing will stop you from getting it.
Let's apply this to a few instances in my own life. I am more than willing to be the guinea pig to prove this theory true. Here are some things I really, really want:
1. To be at a healthy weight, and look the way I want to.
Now ... let's put this theory to the test. This situation is non-existent for me right now. Why? Have I sufficiently desired it? The answer is, I have desired it, but not sufficiently. If I really, truly, completely, utterly wanted this to be the case, it would be a reality. I have done it before. Yes, the way I have gone about losing weight was not healthy, and not maintainable, but when I lost the most weight I have ever lost and got to a size where I looked really, really good, I desperately, passionately wanted it. I let nothing get in my way. I was determined. Now ... yes, of course I want these things, but when things get rough or I feel depressed or bored or whatever, I have gone for my old standby, food. I have not exercised the way I used to (thankfully, I'm starting to again). I have not desired it sufficiently. No way.
2. To have a mutually satisfying love relationship, complete with lots of sex.
Non-existent, to say the least. Why? Because I have been procrastinating. My husband desperately wants to get back together and we have been seeing a lot of each other up at the trailer every weekend, which has led to a lot of companionable time together, which leads him to believe we will get back together, while I have no intention of doing so. So, in essence, I am leading him on because I don't want to go through the whole rigamarole of telling him that over and over. Consequently, I feel guilt for even getting emails from other men, looking at other men on dating websites, and am really not pursuing a viable relationship because my marriage is still very much a presence in my life right now. I have even considered giving it another chance (albeit with much counselling). Therefore, is the above the kind of relationship I truly desire? It sure feels that way to me. Then why am I being so wishy-washy with my husband and keep delaying the inevitable? And why? For the safety, the security of having someone, even though the relationship doesn't make me feel the woman I truly am? Very possible. So, I guess it's fair to say I haven't desired this sufficiently.
Those are just a couple of examples from my own life. Think about circumstances in your own life and ask yourself the same questions. Why don't you have what you want? Be really honest. It will open your eyes.
We are so quick to blame other people or outside circumstances as the reasons for why we don't have what we want. We say we don't have a good relationship because all men/women are jerks ... we don't have enough money because the company we work for pays us shit ... etc. etc. etc. The truth is, there always options.
Everything we want is out there. It is within our grasp. We just have to have the guts and the determination to go about getting it. Before anything becomes a reality, it has to exist in your mind first. Any physicist will tell you that. Picture what you want, imagine feeling the way you would feel if you had what you wanted. Then, go and get it. It is yours.
posted by emily pound at 10:22 AM
3 Comments:
Dear Emily:
Sweet sweet Quixote tilting against windmills. Your belief that anything is possible if one wants it desperately enough is fool's gold. It has the look, glitter and sparkle of truth, but is a poor imitation. The examples you provided are really examples of something very different than what you think. They are examples of how through radical single mindedness one can achieve a single result, but throw the rest of your existence into disarray and out of balance.
Many of the most successful people in any walk of life are those who are driven to the point of excluding everything else to achieve their singular goal. If you look at great athletes you see that in many cases they are totally one dimensional, having sacrificed all the other elements in their lives for that one goal. Think about the lovely female gymnasts, like Olga Korbut and Nadia Comanechi, who looked like pixies. These wonderful athletes we learn later did all sorts of terrible things to their bodies to keep their weight down, had essentially no education, took drugs and products which clearly were not good for them, were so thin that they didn't menstruate and now years later after their brief turns in front of the world are prematurely old, fat, fragile healthed women without any real skills to market. By your definition they wanted it enough and succeeded, by mine they are a perfect example of the awful price that one pays by being so single minded in achieving a single goal.
Just as a note, both of your numbered points with respect to yourself are actually two goals, not one. The first is to be at a healthy weight and the second is to look the way you want. What makes you think that the two goals are not mutually incompatible. You have a fat body which is too big. That's what you say about your body. Perhaps, if you asked your body where it's most healthy it would say that the current shape and size is a healthy spot for it and any thinner would be less healthy. If the real goal is to be a healthy weight then you have to allow your body to be at a weight at which you feel most healthy. If you want to look the way you want then you have to ignore what your body may be telling you. If the two goals are incompatible you are destined to fail no matter how hard you work at your goals.
Perhaps the better answer is to avoid heroic pronouncements and make yourself happy with your present situation, working to improve your fitness and reveling in the resultant endorphin highs without worrying about what the scale says or what size clothing you wear.
On the mutually satisfying love relationship and lots of sex there are again two goals. Different folks have different sex drives. And love and sex are two entirely different things which can coexist, but don't have to. If your needs for sex are much greater than your partners then at least one of you will have to compromise. In that case do you find a new love interest with a more compatible sex drive(which certainly can change over time and from time to time depending on life's vagaries), or do you work to satisfy your own stronger sex drive's needs(perhaps building up resentment in your partner who might feel like a stallion in stud forced to perform even if not in the mood or tired or merely wanting to watch a ball game or movie).
Life is rarely as perfect as you would have it. When we set our expectations to perfection we are destined to fall short. If we take our current situation and look for realistic meaningful goals which can be incorporated within the fabrics of our whole lives and relationships we can make significant improvements in our happiness and reduce the persistent odor of failure which can be toxic to our mental, emotional and physical well being.
Huge
Dear Huge,
Whoa! As usual, you have no shortage of strong viewpoints and as I am just recovering from them to formulate a response, here is what comes to mind:
I wasn't trying to make heroic pronouncements. I was trying to encourage people to get what they want and will make them the happiest, and also examine the subconscious factors that may be preventing them from getting what they want. Of course, if getting what you want comes at a price of making the rest of your life a disaster and ignoring every other aspect of your life, this is not what I meant. I believe it is possible to get what you want without sacrificing health, education, earning power, whatever. The key is balance.
You are right about splitting my two goals into four, actually.
I will have more to say, I'm still thinking. You always get me thinking. :-)
Dear Huge,
Okay, I have gathered myself enough to respond to your very valid comments. Here goes.
As far as the "radical singlemindedness" goes, no, I am not proposing that everyone become obsessive robots in order to meet their goals. Obviously that is not a healthy way to live your life. But you can put more energy into getting something you want, rather than just assuming you won't ever have it and thus, put NO energy into it. There is a big difference.
The athletes you mentioned may not be as one-dimensional as you think. Do you know them personally? Do you know what else is going on in their lives? yes, they sacrificed a lot of their lives to have their moment of glory, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are completely washed up. As far as I know they are both married and living quiet lives. Perhaps they are happy. Who knows? And who is anyone to say what a "good" goal is, and what a "bad" goal is? How do you decide what to go after with a singleminded purpose?
For example, as Jennie said in her comment above,she has a dream about running her own bed and breakfast. She said she didn't put much effort towards that before, but now she is thinking about it more and more. I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like the kind of goal that could definitely benefit from some singlemindedness and some sacrifices. Wouldn't it be worth it afterward, if she achieved that? I'm sure you would agree that that is something worth striving toward. And obviously something like that takes a lot of energy and planning. How is losing weight or getting your perfect love partner any different? It all depends on what your priorities are. Everyone has different ones. That doesn't make them good or bad.
Now, if making money is all someone cares about and walks all over people and works 24/7, that's a different story.
I guess you really have to ask yourself, Will this thing I want in my life benefit me and other people around me? Will it be a positive thing, or will it be a negative thing? If the answer is that is a positive thing that will make you happier and improve your life, then what's wrong with going after it?
By the same token, what about a woman who keeps ending up with physically abusive men? Don't you think she should examine herself and ask herself why she keeps ending up in the same situations? And then do something to change it? I'm sure you'd also agree that something like that could definitely benefit from some singleminded effort to the exclusion of all else (for the time being).
The point is, to GET what you want, not to give up. Then you don't have to keep frantically chasing it anymore. You have it.
I think that covers it. I hope. :-)
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