That Sinking Feeling
I was feeling so good yesterday. I was planning to go up north, but the weather here was terrible. It was raining all day, from moderately to hard, and I decided to stay in town instead. I took Emily to Blockbuster to get her a couple of videos and Dora, from Dora the Explorer was there. It was so cute. Emily went absolutely nutso, a couple of other little kids were there and they all hugged her and they played hide and seek with her for awhile. I just felt so wonderful seeing her so happy and having so much fun. I got her a few videos and we left.
I came home, went on the computer, checked email as usual. There is this sort-of strange guy but very handsome, who has been contacting me recently. I have a feeling he might be a religious zealot of some sort because one of the first things he said to me was, "hope you're a good Christian." :-) What a laugh. Yeah, I'm a good Christian, and in my spare time I masturbate to porn and fantasize about fucking every man I see! :-) But I didn't take it too seriously, I'm just chatting with this guy, and if he turns out to be some religious freak, well ... have fun burning heretics, buddy!
In a nutshell, yesterday I just felt like my life was just fine ... not ideal, but fine. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't stressed, I wasn't anxious. I was cool with everything.
Then, first thing this morning my ex calls me. Says he's coming over. Okay. I could feel the tension rising in myself as I waited for him to show up, because every time we see each other now, he talks to me like a drill sergeant and starts listing all my faults, especially financial ones, and demanding I explain myself. I said to myself, if he starts fucking with me, I'll just tell him to leave.
Anyway, he comes in, tells me to sit down (yes, tells, he still thinks he can do that) and starts waving around some paper in his hand. Then he starts asking me, how has your internet been doing, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, turns out he's been reading my emails and he started asking me about these guys I've been talking with. He says, "you told me you wanted a year to think things over, it's been 4 months, I just want to know if things are going to change or stay the same between us." Meaning, are we going to get back together. yes, this is my ex's way of expressing emotion. I told him, why the fuck would we get back together? Absolutely nothing has changed, you basically ignore me whenever we see each other, you have made no attempt to reconcile or let me know you want to reconcile ... why would anything change? Then he starts saying, then I want a divorce, I want all my stuff back, the computer, you have to pay me for half the t.v., blah blah blah.
My peaceful weekend has gone right down the toilet.
Despite all my ex's failings, of which he has so many, and God knows I have mine, I still felt bad seeing him sit there defeated. I just cannot figure out why this man chooses to communicate the way he does. How the hell could he think that it would be effective, that anything good would come of it? And this is what makes me feel so sad for him, and so guilty. He's so misguided in so many ways and so lost and so alone. Part of me wants to put my arms around him and make it better, but then the part of me that is healthy and wants to survive and be happy wants to just keep as far away from him as I can and then run further. I have known since I left and even before that the best thing for us to do, in the long run, is to divorce and completely cut all ties (except Emily), just not see each other, let him hate me and blame me for everything like he wishes and live with that. It is NEVER EVER going to fucking work.
Anyway, I felt so bad seeing him sitting there that I told him, Look, do you want to have an honest, heart-to-heart talk, no ranting and raving, no judgmentalism ... let's do that, we owe it to each other for as long as we have been together, our marriage, our child . I immediately regretted it because I know that no amount of discussion will fix the situation. He is just so black-and-white and egocentric and stubborn about his points of view that I know he will not listen and keep telling me what an awful person I have been, etc. etc.
Fuck. I am not looking forward to this. Why do I always have to cave in to that "nice girl" inside me who wants to make everyone feel better, when it makes me feel worse?
I came home, went on the computer, checked email as usual. There is this sort-of strange guy but very handsome, who has been contacting me recently. I have a feeling he might be a religious zealot of some sort because one of the first things he said to me was, "hope you're a good Christian." :-) What a laugh. Yeah, I'm a good Christian, and in my spare time I masturbate to porn and fantasize about fucking every man I see! :-) But I didn't take it too seriously, I'm just chatting with this guy, and if he turns out to be some religious freak, well ... have fun burning heretics, buddy!
In a nutshell, yesterday I just felt like my life was just fine ... not ideal, but fine. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't stressed, I wasn't anxious. I was cool with everything.
Then, first thing this morning my ex calls me. Says he's coming over. Okay. I could feel the tension rising in myself as I waited for him to show up, because every time we see each other now, he talks to me like a drill sergeant and starts listing all my faults, especially financial ones, and demanding I explain myself. I said to myself, if he starts fucking with me, I'll just tell him to leave.
Anyway, he comes in, tells me to sit down (yes, tells, he still thinks he can do that) and starts waving around some paper in his hand. Then he starts asking me, how has your internet been doing, blah blah blah. In a nutshell, turns out he's been reading my emails and he started asking me about these guys I've been talking with. He says, "you told me you wanted a year to think things over, it's been 4 months, I just want to know if things are going to change or stay the same between us." Meaning, are we going to get back together. yes, this is my ex's way of expressing emotion. I told him, why the fuck would we get back together? Absolutely nothing has changed, you basically ignore me whenever we see each other, you have made no attempt to reconcile or let me know you want to reconcile ... why would anything change? Then he starts saying, then I want a divorce, I want all my stuff back, the computer, you have to pay me for half the t.v., blah blah blah.
My peaceful weekend has gone right down the toilet.
Despite all my ex's failings, of which he has so many, and God knows I have mine, I still felt bad seeing him sit there defeated. I just cannot figure out why this man chooses to communicate the way he does. How the hell could he think that it would be effective, that anything good would come of it? And this is what makes me feel so sad for him, and so guilty. He's so misguided in so many ways and so lost and so alone. Part of me wants to put my arms around him and make it better, but then the part of me that is healthy and wants to survive and be happy wants to just keep as far away from him as I can and then run further. I have known since I left and even before that the best thing for us to do, in the long run, is to divorce and completely cut all ties (except Emily), just not see each other, let him hate me and blame me for everything like he wishes and live with that. It is NEVER EVER going to fucking work.
Anyway, I felt so bad seeing him sitting there that I told him, Look, do you want to have an honest, heart-to-heart talk, no ranting and raving, no judgmentalism ... let's do that, we owe it to each other for as long as we have been together, our marriage, our child . I immediately regretted it because I know that no amount of discussion will fix the situation. He is just so black-and-white and egocentric and stubborn about his points of view that I know he will not listen and keep telling me what an awful person I have been, etc. etc.
Fuck. I am not looking forward to this. Why do I always have to cave in to that "nice girl" inside me who wants to make everyone feel better, when it makes me feel worse?
posted by emily pound at 8:48 AM
2 Comments:
Sounds like a hard situation. You are right though, sometimes it will just never work. That's what you have to keep in mind, no matter how upset he gets, or defeated he looks. Because if you go back into this to make him better, you will regret it forever. The only reason for going back into it is if you want it as well.
Emily
While you may have a desire to make people feel better you have added another arrow to your quiver... an understanding that your own good feelings and well being can not be sacrificed for someone else.
There's no question that the time you're going through is a tough one, but you seem to be making a real effort to work through it and headway in that effort. The conversation you're going to have with the husband is a critical step in making him your ex. You can't delegate that conversation, and delaying it won't make it any easier.
Steel yourself for it, make your points and listen to his points with a critical analysts viewpoint. If its more of the same that has been toxic to you in the past calmy tell him that you disagree and continue with him because of what he expects of you and your relationship.
You can do it. You have to do it. It will be unpleasant and difficult and make you feel lousy before hand. But, afterwards you will see that things will improve, like they do when you lance a boil that has been filling and putting more and more pressure on the skin.
Good luck and I know you'll let us know in your blog how its going.
As a side note.. if he's been reading your email you need to change your password. That's your private information and under the circumstances he has no right to be intruding into your private communications. If you need a gmail invite to start a separate email, let me know.
Huge
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