Up North
The arrival of summer came a little bit early today, as this morning Emily and I got in the VW and headed up north to Midland, Ontario, about 90 miles north of Toronto, where we have a trailer. The trailer has been a bit of a controversy so far this year. Even though I asked my ex numerous times about the status of the trailer -- did he pay the fee yet, could he wait a bit longer for me to give him my half of it? -- he would just mumble that we couldn't use it till it was paid for and walk away. Well, I never bought that for a second. So, I decided to take Emily up there today and just hang out, see if he was there, which I was sure he was. And I was right.
So far, my ex and I have been fairly civil (strictly due to me) about our breakup, but today when me and Emily drove up, he started packing up to leave right away. I could tell he was not pleased to see me there, and kept telling Emily not to leave her stuff inside, he was leaving and closing up. I went in and he said, "You're not allowed in here until you give me your half of the fee." Not allowed? I thought. I own half the fucking thing. Anyway, I didn't say anything, I just walked outside and sat on a bench and waited for him to get his stuff together. Emily kept telling him, in her ebullient little voice, "Me and mommy are going to the beach," and he would just say, "That's nice, Emily," and continue to pack up. Anyway, just before he got in the car and drove off in a huff at our presence, I told him I wanted to see the receipt before I paid my half, that I wanted a set of keys made, and I needed more cheques for child support. He told me, "Give me $900 and that's when you'll get the keys and see the receipt." I felt like fucken strangling him.
I feel bad for Emily. I've known for a long time what a cold, selfish, emotionally constipated person my ex is, but she is still a child and is confused by his behaviour. "Why didn't daddy leave the trailer open, mommy? Now we can't go in there." I bit my lip against the million obscenities that just wanted to leap out of my mouth and start enlightening her, but because I love her more than my life, and want to protect her as much as I can from any hurt, I just said, "Don't worry, we'll get our own set of keys and then we can go in when we want."
It was so weird being up there on my own, though ("on my own", meaning, without my ex). Summers up at the trailer have been a tradition with us since 1987, just after we first met. All of us love it up there, especially my daughter. She asked me for the millionth time since we left that morning to take her to the beach, and I took her to Little Lake Park, our old hangout, where there is a pretty beach and a playground, she got into her bathing suit, and she was off. She loves the water. I sat on a bench and watched her. It was overcast but very warm for most of the day today, and despite the unpleasant scene I had been subjected to by my ex earlier, (and basically ever since I left him), I felt amazingly tranquil just sitting there looking out at the lake. I kept thinking what amazing changes my life has gone through and now I'm embarking on my first summer as a single mom. I have to admit, I'm a little wary about being up there alone with my daughter. I'm afraid I'll be depressed seeing all the other couples up there, get yet a million more reminders that I am single, and that the hours will just tick by so slowly and that I will be bored to death without any other adult company (I don't socialize with anybody up there, really, never have.) But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the solitude and seeing my daughter run around with her friends having a ball will be just what I need to restore my soul.
All I know is, I'm getting really sick of my ex's haughty, snubby attitude towards me. I have gone out of my way to be as nice as I can and it has not moved him one fucking bit. It obviously is not going to soften his feeling towards me, for the sake of our child or anything else. And Emily's birthday party is coming up in a few weeks, which we always celebrate at my mother's house. I know my mother will want to include him and previously, up to now, I have said yes, by all means, include him. But now, the thought of sitting at a table with him for a few hours after all his unflinching petulance ... it just sickens me. I really would rather he not be there, and I think the less we see of each other, the better from now on. But then, I don't want to make a big issue out of it if Emily wants him there, which I'm sure she will. So I guess I'll probably just have to face another depressing afternoon faced with The Judge (my mother) and The Jury (my ex) silently charging me and condemning me, at the same time.
Yippee.
So far, my ex and I have been fairly civil (strictly due to me) about our breakup, but today when me and Emily drove up, he started packing up to leave right away. I could tell he was not pleased to see me there, and kept telling Emily not to leave her stuff inside, he was leaving and closing up. I went in and he said, "You're not allowed in here until you give me your half of the fee." Not allowed? I thought. I own half the fucking thing. Anyway, I didn't say anything, I just walked outside and sat on a bench and waited for him to get his stuff together. Emily kept telling him, in her ebullient little voice, "Me and mommy are going to the beach," and he would just say, "That's nice, Emily," and continue to pack up. Anyway, just before he got in the car and drove off in a huff at our presence, I told him I wanted to see the receipt before I paid my half, that I wanted a set of keys made, and I needed more cheques for child support. He told me, "Give me $900 and that's when you'll get the keys and see the receipt." I felt like fucken strangling him.
I feel bad for Emily. I've known for a long time what a cold, selfish, emotionally constipated person my ex is, but she is still a child and is confused by his behaviour. "Why didn't daddy leave the trailer open, mommy? Now we can't go in there." I bit my lip against the million obscenities that just wanted to leap out of my mouth and start enlightening her, but because I love her more than my life, and want to protect her as much as I can from any hurt, I just said, "Don't worry, we'll get our own set of keys and then we can go in when we want."
It was so weird being up there on my own, though ("on my own", meaning, without my ex). Summers up at the trailer have been a tradition with us since 1987, just after we first met. All of us love it up there, especially my daughter. She asked me for the millionth time since we left that morning to take her to the beach, and I took her to Little Lake Park, our old hangout, where there is a pretty beach and a playground, she got into her bathing suit, and she was off. She loves the water. I sat on a bench and watched her. It was overcast but very warm for most of the day today, and despite the unpleasant scene I had been subjected to by my ex earlier, (and basically ever since I left him), I felt amazingly tranquil just sitting there looking out at the lake. I kept thinking what amazing changes my life has gone through and now I'm embarking on my first summer as a single mom. I have to admit, I'm a little wary about being up there alone with my daughter. I'm afraid I'll be depressed seeing all the other couples up there, get yet a million more reminders that I am single, and that the hours will just tick by so slowly and that I will be bored to death without any other adult company (I don't socialize with anybody up there, really, never have.) But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the solitude and seeing my daughter run around with her friends having a ball will be just what I need to restore my soul.
All I know is, I'm getting really sick of my ex's haughty, snubby attitude towards me. I have gone out of my way to be as nice as I can and it has not moved him one fucking bit. It obviously is not going to soften his feeling towards me, for the sake of our child or anything else. And Emily's birthday party is coming up in a few weeks, which we always celebrate at my mother's house. I know my mother will want to include him and previously, up to now, I have said yes, by all means, include him. But now, the thought of sitting at a table with him for a few hours after all his unflinching petulance ... it just sickens me. I really would rather he not be there, and I think the less we see of each other, the better from now on. But then, I don't want to make a big issue out of it if Emily wants him there, which I'm sure she will. So I guess I'll probably just have to face another depressing afternoon faced with The Judge (my mother) and The Jury (my ex) silently charging me and condemning me, at the same time.
Yippee.
posted by emily pound at 1:43 PM
6 Comments:
Must be hard on Emily. Does she know what's going on?
In terms of my husband acting like a child younger than she is? No. She can't figure out why he's acting the way he is. What galls me is having to stay silent while she keeps asking me, "Why did daddy do that?" or "Why won't daddy let us in the trailer?" Oh, if I could only begin to tell her ... but of course I won't. My need to vent is much less important than her childhood. She'll find out all on her own, the older she gets.
"She'll find out all on her own, the older she gets."
Remember that. Always remember that. When that does happen, when she realizes what he is, she'll be heartbroken, angry, devastated. And because you're such a wonderful mom you'll have to pick her back up again.
You are amazing. I am so so happy to hear that you haven't blown up in front of her. That takes so much strength.
Many hugs and well wishes. I know this is going to be really hard, but I have no doubt you're strong enough to handle it.
~Lily
Thanks, Lily. It's comments like yours that help me hold on to my resolve and keep me going. :-)
"I have gone out of my way to be as nice as I can and it has not moved him..."
He might perceive your 'niceness' as weakness? Alternatively, it might confuse & annoy him that you're using "warm words, cool actions".
BJ,
Yeah, you're right. But I can't help but use warm words. I like the guy.
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