Argument
Remember the friend I wrote about last week, the one who has never worked, who lives at home with her mother and who I believe is chronically depressed? I had it out with her yesterday.
We went to the Lakeshore with my daughter. I was feeling tense all morning leading up to when I saw her, because thoughts I've had about her since I last saw her have really been bugging me. I am a compassionate person, a kind person. But I also have my limits. I'm really sick of giving her pep talks and offering her my opinions/experience, whatever, because she never does anything about them. How much can you give before you just finally run out? I cannot give this girl any more than I already have, and she seems to have no interest in what I have to offer.
Anyway, when we got to the park and sat down, my daughter took her sand buckets and started playing (even though it was way too cold, rather brisk yesterday) and I just said, "... I'm just going to say this, because it's been bugging me and I have to get it off my chest ..." Lord knows I can be a big mouth and blurt out things that may sound rather harsh, but I swear, it's only in what I believe are the person's best interests. Basically, I just told her, "When are you gonna get your shit together? I can't even have a normal conversation with you, you never answer questions, or if you pretend to, you just start giving me this unintelligible kind of muttering and I have to ask you three or four times to repeat yourself, and you never come up with anything lucid." She keeps saying she is going to move out of her mother's house, which drives me absolutely crazy, and I said, "How the fuck are you going to do that WITHOUT ANY MONEY? Without a job? Or some kind of income?" And she just sits there. I told her, "You're not serious, because if you were, you'd have some kind of plan, you'd be taking action."
I told her, "You are wasting your life. It's as if one day you just decided, I am going to go into my mother's house, shove a rock in front of it, and not come out of it, ever." She might as well have done that. The last time she had a boyfriend was over 20 YEARS AGO ... she has never had a job ... she has never had what you would call a "normal" life, and this is what makes me so angry. Everyone is entitled to a normal, happy life. It is everyone's birthright. If life throws you some kicks in the ass, like it does to all of us, you fucking get up and move on, not lie down and fucking die!!! I'm really sick of seeing her act so weak and fragile and helpless. Everybody has the tools inside them to survive, you just have to use them. But she just assumes she can't do things.
"You have to get ANGRY," I told her. "You have to get angry enough to start changing things."
The only thing she was clear about in our conversation was: "It's really none of your business."
THAT'S what really made me fume. I have known this girl since grade 2. We used to be inseparable when we were teenagers. I made her the godmother to my daughter. Do you know how many people have told me I should cut her loose, forget about her, over and over again, when I've told them what she's like? I didn't listen to them, I coddled her instead, I stayed her friend. And that's what she fucking says to me.
So I told her, "It's none of my business? Okay then, don't tell me any more about the bullshit your mother puts you through, or your sister, because I'm sick of hearing it."
And as far as I'm concerned, she can roll that rock in front of her mother's door and stay there forever if she wants. I just cannot handle being around her anymore. I'm sick of enabling her and pretending for her sake that she really is normal and is just a little slower than most people. If she doesn't think enough of me to confide in me after all these years, after all the things I've done for her and how I've been there for her ... then she can fuck off. That's the way I look at it.
What is the point of hanging out with her anymore? If we can't converse about things that really matter, then what the fuck are we going to talk about?
It's beyond me. But I think I have finally given up on her.
We went to the Lakeshore with my daughter. I was feeling tense all morning leading up to when I saw her, because thoughts I've had about her since I last saw her have really been bugging me. I am a compassionate person, a kind person. But I also have my limits. I'm really sick of giving her pep talks and offering her my opinions/experience, whatever, because she never does anything about them. How much can you give before you just finally run out? I cannot give this girl any more than I already have, and she seems to have no interest in what I have to offer.
Anyway, when we got to the park and sat down, my daughter took her sand buckets and started playing (even though it was way too cold, rather brisk yesterday) and I just said, "... I'm just going to say this, because it's been bugging me and I have to get it off my chest ..." Lord knows I can be a big mouth and blurt out things that may sound rather harsh, but I swear, it's only in what I believe are the person's best interests. Basically, I just told her, "When are you gonna get your shit together? I can't even have a normal conversation with you, you never answer questions, or if you pretend to, you just start giving me this unintelligible kind of muttering and I have to ask you three or four times to repeat yourself, and you never come up with anything lucid." She keeps saying she is going to move out of her mother's house, which drives me absolutely crazy, and I said, "How the fuck are you going to do that WITHOUT ANY MONEY? Without a job? Or some kind of income?" And she just sits there. I told her, "You're not serious, because if you were, you'd have some kind of plan, you'd be taking action."
I told her, "You are wasting your life. It's as if one day you just decided, I am going to go into my mother's house, shove a rock in front of it, and not come out of it, ever." She might as well have done that. The last time she had a boyfriend was over 20 YEARS AGO ... she has never had a job ... she has never had what you would call a "normal" life, and this is what makes me so angry. Everyone is entitled to a normal, happy life. It is everyone's birthright. If life throws you some kicks in the ass, like it does to all of us, you fucking get up and move on, not lie down and fucking die!!! I'm really sick of seeing her act so weak and fragile and helpless. Everybody has the tools inside them to survive, you just have to use them. But she just assumes she can't do things.
"You have to get ANGRY," I told her. "You have to get angry enough to start changing things."
The only thing she was clear about in our conversation was: "It's really none of your business."
THAT'S what really made me fume. I have known this girl since grade 2. We used to be inseparable when we were teenagers. I made her the godmother to my daughter. Do you know how many people have told me I should cut her loose, forget about her, over and over again, when I've told them what she's like? I didn't listen to them, I coddled her instead, I stayed her friend. And that's what she fucking says to me.
So I told her, "It's none of my business? Okay then, don't tell me any more about the bullshit your mother puts you through, or your sister, because I'm sick of hearing it."
And as far as I'm concerned, she can roll that rock in front of her mother's door and stay there forever if she wants. I just cannot handle being around her anymore. I'm sick of enabling her and pretending for her sake that she really is normal and is just a little slower than most people. If she doesn't think enough of me to confide in me after all these years, after all the things I've done for her and how I've been there for her ... then she can fuck off. That's the way I look at it.
What is the point of hanging out with her anymore? If we can't converse about things that really matter, then what the fuck are we going to talk about?
It's beyond me. But I think I have finally given up on her.
posted by emily pound at 4:19 PM
5 Comments:
I think there comes a point like that in any relationship, whether it's a friendship or a love-relationship. You finally realise that no matter what they tell you, they are never going to change. When you realise that, you also realise there's no point in going on with it any more.
You're so right. I've gotten to that point with her.
Thanks Jennie,
How long can you feel sorry for someone before you just start to realize they are wallowing in their own misery? I think that's what I finally realized about her. Enough is enough.
Good for you for finally saying something to her, it's been eating away at you for a long time...someone needed to obviously. You never know, maybe after she has some time to think about what you said, it just might start to make sense to her. Hopefully she takes your advice and either a) seeks some help for her depression or b)gets out and gets a job and out from under her mothers roof. or c) both of the above.
You know, strangely enough, in a way I think I put up with more shit from her than from my husband!!! Weird. I'm really glad I finally told her what was on my mind.
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