I Have This Friend ...
... we'll call her "Jill". I've known her since the second grade. She hasn't changed much since then. Back then, she was extremely shy, quiet, and fragile. She still is. She's a year or two older than me, so she's about 42 or 43. She has never worked, believe it or not, other than a 1- or 2-day stint at a telemarketing company or a very short-term temp job. She went to college, very briefly, right after she finished high school, but left without completing the program she had enrolled for.
I believe that she has been chronically depressed for most of her life, but she has never been diagnosed or taken medication for her problem. When we were in our teens, she was fairly normal ... meaning, she used to party with me and the rest of our friends, and meet people, have fun, get together with guys, the whole bit. But since her early 20's, she withdrew drastically, even more than she was normally. People who met her back then, when she was still "fairly normal", even then they thought she was a little "off" or odd because she was so shy and quiet. After her brief stint at college, she withdrew into her parents' house and has remained there ever since. It's really as if she went into a cave and rolled a boulder in front of it, that's how removed she has been from much of society. Oh, she goes out and does her grocery shopping and goes for walks and stuff like that, but as far as going out and socializing and working ... forget it.
Her quiet nature actually drew me to her. It fascinated me when I was younger. I knew there was probably a fascinating person under that depth, and there is. She's a very sweet, gentle person. But very early in her life, her spirit was broken. And she never got it back.
I've tried as much as I can to help her. I've stayed in touch with her. She is the godmother to my daughter. I've tried to talk to her about going and getting help, and she listens, and nods, and says, "Yes, I know I should", but that's where it ends. I can't grab her by the hand and drag her where she needs to go. She needs to do it for herself. But she won't.
Sometimes, when my phone rings, and I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I kind of groan inwardly and think, Oh no. Because sometimes the depression in her voice is so palpable that it ends up making me feel down. I know it sounds bad, but I just can't be around that all the time. I used to be like that, although never at that level. But I was always a fighter. I refused to let it rule me, and I got help. Sometimes I find it really annoying that she is so helpless and needy. Sometimes I want to shake her and say, "Come on already! Be strong! Be a woman and do what you have to do!" But of course I don't. I can relate to her suffering. I can remember vividly what it felt like to be living on the fringe of society, not really participating in it, just wasting away.
And it's not like she doesn't know what she has to do. She's constantly saying, "I know it would be best for me to move out, to get my own place." What bugs the shit out of me is she knows how preposterous that statement is, considering the fact that she doesn't have a job or any form of income to do so. I have to bite my lip sometimes to keep from screaming, "Duh! You don't have a fucking job! Don't you think you should get one before you start pondering the future?" And I have said that, in a much watered down version. Then she just mutters, "Yeah ...", stirs her coffee dreamily, and after a few seconds of silence, changes the subject.
Sometimes she just drives me crazy, and I occasionally wonder why I bother keeping in touch with her. Then I remember how it was when we were growing up together, the fun we had, the secrets we shared. And that always wins out.
I believe that she has been chronically depressed for most of her life, but she has never been diagnosed or taken medication for her problem. When we were in our teens, she was fairly normal ... meaning, she used to party with me and the rest of our friends, and meet people, have fun, get together with guys, the whole bit. But since her early 20's, she withdrew drastically, even more than she was normally. People who met her back then, when she was still "fairly normal", even then they thought she was a little "off" or odd because she was so shy and quiet. After her brief stint at college, she withdrew into her parents' house and has remained there ever since. It's really as if she went into a cave and rolled a boulder in front of it, that's how removed she has been from much of society. Oh, she goes out and does her grocery shopping and goes for walks and stuff like that, but as far as going out and socializing and working ... forget it.
Her quiet nature actually drew me to her. It fascinated me when I was younger. I knew there was probably a fascinating person under that depth, and there is. She's a very sweet, gentle person. But very early in her life, her spirit was broken. And she never got it back.
I've tried as much as I can to help her. I've stayed in touch with her. She is the godmother to my daughter. I've tried to talk to her about going and getting help, and she listens, and nods, and says, "Yes, I know I should", but that's where it ends. I can't grab her by the hand and drag her where she needs to go. She needs to do it for herself. But she won't.
Sometimes, when my phone rings, and I hear her voice on the other end of the line, I kind of groan inwardly and think, Oh no. Because sometimes the depression in her voice is so palpable that it ends up making me feel down. I know it sounds bad, but I just can't be around that all the time. I used to be like that, although never at that level. But I was always a fighter. I refused to let it rule me, and I got help. Sometimes I find it really annoying that she is so helpless and needy. Sometimes I want to shake her and say, "Come on already! Be strong! Be a woman and do what you have to do!" But of course I don't. I can relate to her suffering. I can remember vividly what it felt like to be living on the fringe of society, not really participating in it, just wasting away.
And it's not like she doesn't know what she has to do. She's constantly saying, "I know it would be best for me to move out, to get my own place." What bugs the shit out of me is she knows how preposterous that statement is, considering the fact that she doesn't have a job or any form of income to do so. I have to bite my lip sometimes to keep from screaming, "Duh! You don't have a fucking job! Don't you think you should get one before you start pondering the future?" And I have said that, in a much watered down version. Then she just mutters, "Yeah ...", stirs her coffee dreamily, and after a few seconds of silence, changes the subject.
Sometimes she just drives me crazy, and I occasionally wonder why I bother keeping in touch with her. Then I remember how it was when we were growing up together, the fun we had, the secrets we shared. And that always wins out.
posted by emily pound at 1:54 PM
7 Comments:
It's hard in these situations to know what to do. Sometimes you can only do so much for someone - if they don't take the advice, like you say, you can't force them to.
Hey guys,
It is so frustrating. I care about her and I want to see her happy but she is almost catatonic about doing anything with her life. It is such a waste. She definitely needs help, but she is too afraid of people to go out and get it.
What broke her spirit, do you know? What are the parents like? I would suspect some sort of sexual abuse by someone close enough to keep her 'down'...., you know, 'you're worthless, no one would want you if they knew how you really are, blah, blah...,' Mental & emotional abuse growing up can also make a person 'shutter' themselves (my hand waving wildly in the air here!!)
You might encourage her to get into blogging. Let's face it..., it's a lot like talk therapy anyway. If she interacts at all with others, it would be a great first step. Does she go to church? Sometimes that type of 'belonging' can be very helpful.
The biggest thing I would try to encourage would be for her to start helping others who are needful. Volunteer at a nursing home to read or talk to patients, help at the 'soup kitchen' or food pantry locally. The best for a quiet personality might be something with kids. Read to kids at the library. Sometimes hospitals need people to just hold babies, esp. since it's hard to have enough hands to get them all fed, etc., It might be possible to candy stripe in the kids ward. Any small success is something to build on, and when you are helping someone else, you automatically get outside yourself. Plus volunteer work can be used on a resume in the future.
Sometimes being useful is the only thing that holds me together.
Well... from the sounds of it... something really bad happened to her, for that sudden and complete withdraw...
I wish I could tell you what would help. But I have no idea. I've been where she's at before, just not to that degree. Hope I never get to that degree...
Definitely have given me something to think about...
~Lily
Not: What broke her spirit? It's been a culmination of things, I think, but when she was very young, like kindergarten-grade 1 age ... her parents are Polish and from the old country and never spoke English, so when she went to school, of course she didn't speak English either. I think she told me once that the teachers thought she was retarded or something, because they didn't know about the situation at home ... and she went through quite a trauma about that.
After that, she was always extremely shy, to the point of breaking down in tears if a teacher asked her a question in front of the class, for the majority of her school life. It would be a regular thing to see her cry, she just was so terrified of speaking in class.
I think it's highly unlikely that she was sexually abused, but of course I can't say for sure. I think her terrible lack of self-esteem and fear of people all stems from the experiences she had in school.
You made some great suggestions about her volunteering ... I suggested to her once that she try that and she just gave me one of those "Yeah, I will" and then never followed through. She knows what she has to do but she just can't bring herself to do it.
As far as blogging goes, she doesn't have a computer, and she's not much of a writer anyway.
She just doesn't seem to have the drive and the curiosity about life to get out there and do things. She's just so afraid. I feel so sorry for her, and I understand her pain, but at the same time I get really frustrated. We all have hardships that we have to overcome. You know the phrase, "God helps those who help themselves"? I truly believe that. Your life is not going to improve by hiding away and just hoping things will happen and go your way.
The trick for me was, I got pissed. I said to myself, "I am really fucking sick of living like this. I am going to do something. I am a fighter." And with that attitude, my life changed.
Dear Emily:
What a sad tale. But, it goes to show how there are choices that we can make that change our lives for better or worse. You are making choices that are good for you and your daughter. Difficult, painful and stressful choices. The unwillingness to make the choices that you decide you have to make has consequences. One, it gets more difficult in the future to make other choices and act on them. Two, you regress in many important ways.
You've done what you've could for your friend in terms of making her life more "normal" and mainstream. To the extent that you enjoy her company there's no reason why you can't or shouldn't continue with your current relationship with her. But you know that there is nothing you can do to help her if she doesn't take the lead and start the ball rolling.
Its very sad, and we all have friends, relatives, associates that have clearly lost their ways. But, we can't force them to change and beyond a certain point we have to stop beating our heads against the wall trying to make them do what we know they need, and even they acknowledge they need, if they don't act. I think you have to take the posture that I'm your friend whatever you do. If you want some help in changing the way you live, fine. Otherwise, I've stopped trying to change you.
Ending on a positive note, you can use her as a mirror to hold up your own choices and decisions to. I can either get off my ass and do..... or I can sit in my house and let the world leave me behind like Jane. You're clearly out there in the real world, taking it on and fighting the good fight. But, isn't that what life is about?
Huge
Hi Huge,
I think you summed it up extremely well when you said that I have to take the approach that she's my friend whatever she does. If she wants help, fine. But I've given up trying to change her. That's the only way I could still be her friend.
I have used her as a "mirror" on several occasions and it frightens me. I could so easily have gone down much the same road, and when I think about that, I'm just grateful that I didn't.
People get what they think they deserve. Obviously, I guess she think she doesn't deserve much of anything. That's the saddest thing.
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