Diary of a Depressive Binge Eater
I had a really bad day yesterday. Actually, it's been a pretty bad few days, since Friday. I've been feeling really down, really alone, really beaten down. Most of the time, thanks to a wonderful psychotropic medication called Paxil, I can just kind of coast along, because these things are all kind of constants in my life right now. But every once in awhile I'm feeling so "okay" or even "good" that I decide to skip a pill or two, and sure enough, the fucking blackness descends.
I've suffered from depression all my life, but only started taking medication for it a few years ago, after I had my daughter. I finally decided I had had enough feeling like every day was another battle to get through and thank God I made that decision, because the medication truly changed my life. It enabled me to live a normal life, with mostly benign ups and downs that are manageable.
One of the ways I deal with depression, or depressing feelings, is to eat. And eat. And eat. And eat, and eat, and eat. That's what I've been doing for the past couple of days. Usually I eat pretty healthily and I'm pretty good with exercise too. I love walking and get out and walk every day, sometimes really long distances. I've also been doing yoga every day for the past two or three weeks, and feeling really great. But then this depression descended on me, and I just fucking stuffed my face. And you know what the worst part of it is? I don't even enjoy it anymore. There used to be a time when I was totally happy just chowing down on potato chips or chocolate or whatever. Now, I'm just like a zombie, sitting there and shoving it in out of some automatic memory of what I used to do. It doesn't even appeal to my tastebuds anymore. But I do it anyway, because that's what I do. And afterward, when I sit there and look at what I've eaten, I feel even more depressed, and disgusted with myself to boot. I try not to be. I try to be gentle with myself, and not beat myself up about it. I realize I am doing it because it is the only way I know how to cope. But I am so sick of it. I am sick of living like this, that the only way I can cope with stress or boredom or loneliness is to eat myself sick and then hate myself afterward.
I believe that the ratio of happiness or contentment in my life has been a lot lower than the average person, due to a lot of factors: my genetic predisposition to depression, my less than ideal family life (my mother and I have never gotten along), my weight problem (totally a side effect of the depression, I believe), my lifelong pursuit of fulfilling romantic love which has never really been found ... and most recently, with the breakup of my marriage, being a single mom, losing my job ... honestly, I don't know how the fuck I hold on sometimes. I am a very strong person but sometimes even I wonder when I'm just going to fucking self-destruct. But I'm not so self-pitying that I'm grandiose about it. I know that I am not the only person who has had a lot of adversity or gotten a "raw deal" in life. There are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way and have had lots of unhappiness to deal with too. Sometimes the knowledge of that helps when I'm feeling totally alone.
Anyway, yesterday was one of those days. I just felt numb, I was so depressed, I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and I knew there was nothing I could do to get rid of those feelings, I would just have to ride them out. The only way I could withstand those feelings was to eat and distract myself from them.
I'm feeling a little better today, more back to normal. But I know this will probably not be the last of these episodes and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in this cycle and I have been trying for so many years to get out of it. I've done the counselling, I've done the self-exploration, I've done fucking everything.
How much introspection do you have to do before you truly find the answer? How much suffering do you have to endure? It's been over 40 years and I haven't found the answer yet.
I've suffered from depression all my life, but only started taking medication for it a few years ago, after I had my daughter. I finally decided I had had enough feeling like every day was another battle to get through and thank God I made that decision, because the medication truly changed my life. It enabled me to live a normal life, with mostly benign ups and downs that are manageable.
One of the ways I deal with depression, or depressing feelings, is to eat. And eat. And eat. And eat, and eat, and eat. That's what I've been doing for the past couple of days. Usually I eat pretty healthily and I'm pretty good with exercise too. I love walking and get out and walk every day, sometimes really long distances. I've also been doing yoga every day for the past two or three weeks, and feeling really great. But then this depression descended on me, and I just fucking stuffed my face. And you know what the worst part of it is? I don't even enjoy it anymore. There used to be a time when I was totally happy just chowing down on potato chips or chocolate or whatever. Now, I'm just like a zombie, sitting there and shoving it in out of some automatic memory of what I used to do. It doesn't even appeal to my tastebuds anymore. But I do it anyway, because that's what I do. And afterward, when I sit there and look at what I've eaten, I feel even more depressed, and disgusted with myself to boot. I try not to be. I try to be gentle with myself, and not beat myself up about it. I realize I am doing it because it is the only way I know how to cope. But I am so sick of it. I am sick of living like this, that the only way I can cope with stress or boredom or loneliness is to eat myself sick and then hate myself afterward.
I believe that the ratio of happiness or contentment in my life has been a lot lower than the average person, due to a lot of factors: my genetic predisposition to depression, my less than ideal family life (my mother and I have never gotten along), my weight problem (totally a side effect of the depression, I believe), my lifelong pursuit of fulfilling romantic love which has never really been found ... and most recently, with the breakup of my marriage, being a single mom, losing my job ... honestly, I don't know how the fuck I hold on sometimes. I am a very strong person but sometimes even I wonder when I'm just going to fucking self-destruct. But I'm not so self-pitying that I'm grandiose about it. I know that I am not the only person who has had a lot of adversity or gotten a "raw deal" in life. There are plenty of other people out there who feel the same way and have had lots of unhappiness to deal with too. Sometimes the knowledge of that helps when I'm feeling totally alone.
Anyway, yesterday was one of those days. I just felt numb, I was so depressed, I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and I knew there was nothing I could do to get rid of those feelings, I would just have to ride them out. The only way I could withstand those feelings was to eat and distract myself from them.
I'm feeling a little better today, more back to normal. But I know this will probably not be the last of these episodes and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in this cycle and I have been trying for so many years to get out of it. I've done the counselling, I've done the self-exploration, I've done fucking everything.
How much introspection do you have to do before you truly find the answer? How much suffering do you have to endure? It's been over 40 years and I haven't found the answer yet.
posted by emily pound at 8:08 AM
6 Comments:
Hi Jennie,
I've done the counselling/psychologist thing, and it hasn't helped all that much. The only good it did was being able to talk to someone honestly about the way I was feeling, but as far as resolving those feelings ... zero. I think when it comes to things like this, basically it comes from deep inside. It either does, or it doesn't. I dunno ... I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, as they say in all the 12-step programs. I believe my binging is just as big an addiction for me as heroin is to another person. Seriously. It's that destructive, and that pointless.
I understand some what you're saying. The unfortunate thing is that generally people know the answers, and can convince themselves through whatever means to have self control. But that strength is so brittle that the slightest little thing can snap it in two, and they run back to the only comfort they know - whether that's food, alcohol, whatever. And that is totally understandable.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up for having slips. Everyone does. The point you should focus on is that you are aware of it, and that in itself is a step back towards the better way you are trying for :)
I wrote a long reply, then blogger crashed and I lost it. Grrr. So I'm just going to say, stay strong. All us bloggers are here to cheer things up if we can :)
Thanks Ian. :-) I love going to your site because you have such a fantastic sense of humour. It always cheers me up.
What you said about the strength being so brittle that sometimes it snaps in two ... that was so true. Sometimes I feel like nothing can break me, and then all of a sudden, a whole bunch of negativity converges and ... gonzo. I think I am becoming more aware of what triggers me. Knowing how to deal with those triggers is I have real trouble with.
Thanks for your kind words. :-)
Dear Emily:
I'm saddened to hear about your continuing battles with depression and the way in which you have compensated for it with binge eating. As a real foodie who adores great food and the eating process, I find binge eating to be as bad as not eating at all. You're eating but taking no pleasure in it when its happening and are obviously unhappy about what you've eaten when you're done.
I'm not a psychiatrist or medical type, but it sounds like your condition needs tighter medical control to narrow the emotional swings. Of course you know this, but wonder if perhaps you just need a new professional to try different medications.
On the other side of it, where I am more knowledgeable, lol, you can't beat yourself up for something that, despite your best efforts, you're unable to control. If your body will binge eat, perhaps its passing along a message to you that you're denying yourself in ways which are building up to the body's explosive override. While I know that you're interested in dieting and losing weight, perhaps your dieting is too severe and your body is desperately trying to tell you this. Either way, once you've gone through a binge period, don't take that as a sign that you have to crack down harder on your eating, but as a sign that you need to get to a better style of sustainable eating, whether that causes you to stay the same size or slowly lose weight.
Hope you're feeling better now.
Huge
Huge, huge! :-) I've missed you! Where have you been??? :-)
Glad you're back. Thank you for your supportive words and, as usual, your words of wisdom. I don't severely diet anymore, that phase of my life is definitely over. I've been focusing now on just eating healthier and exercising more, and have been doing pretty well until this past weekend. I think everything just kind of accumulated until I reached the burnout stage and all I could think to do was eat (and eat and eat). Emotional eating is definitely my problem. I know a lot of overweight people vehemently deny that emotional factors are the reason they are overweight, but I don't deny it at all, I'll scream it from the rooftops. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to solve the problem.
I am feeling better now, thanks.
:-) I missed you!!!
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