Progress ... Even If It Doesn't Exactly Feel Like It
Sometimes, I really, really miss having a man in my life. Not enough to go back to a bad situation, but bad enough to feel an ache inside my soul and just feel like crying all day.
I usually feel it the worst when I'm out walking around a busy street, and see all kinds of men pushing baby carriages or holding hands with their wives ... in other words, men that are taken.
When I think about it though, I've never really had the kind of man I want. Maybe temporarily, and even then, my relationships with them were never what I thought they were. I always thought it was more than it was, and they were just chillin'.
They say that what you give, you get. I have found out, so far in my life, that that is complete bullshit. Granted, my life isn't over, and I may still yet find the love to equal the love I have given out ... but sometimes I just get really tired of waiting. Sometimes I just get so angry I want to kick someone's door in, or trash a hotel room. It just isn't fair. I'm not ugly, I'm not unlovable, I'm not unsexy ... God, I'm definitely not unsexy. Every guy I've been with has told me I'm incredible in bed. Yet, night after night, I go to bed alone. Even when I was married, I was existentially alone. I might as well have been sleeping by myself.
People tell me things all the time when I express sentiments like the ones in this post. They say things like, "You will find someone", and "Hold your head up, go get him, he's out there", and "You're fabulous, just be patient." And I'm sure I'll probably get another bunch of the same kind of comments after people read this post. I know they're being very sweet and kind and just trying to make me feel better and I do appreciate that. But honestly ... those words really don't help. It's not within other people's power to bring me the love I want. If it was, I'm sure I probably would have gotten it by now.
Today in my car I was listening to one of my tapes and one of the songs was "Old Man" by Neil Young. I love that song. And there's a line in it that goes: Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you. That is the story, to a tee, of my love life. Every man I have loved has not had the same feelings for me. At the most, they might have been flattered by it, and the realization of that is very demoralizing ... as if the only benefit that came out of my deep feelings for another person was to boost their ego.
There is a guy in my past I have not been able to forget, I loved him so. It has taken every ounce of my strength and fortitude not to get in contact with him again because I know he will hurt me again, and again, and again, if I do. And I start to wonder ... why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep falling for men who do not have any feelings for me? Is it just coincidence? Even me ... the professional hand-wringer ... knows enough to say that it is no coincidence. But I haven't figured out why yet.
At least I am progressing. I have been able to hold off on contacting Mr. Wrong. Believe me, it has been very difficult at times. The old Me would not have been able to stop myself.
Maybe I'm starting to love myself more, and give myself that love freely, the same way I have given it to other people. Maybe that love is showing itself by steadfastly sparing myself certain pain.
That is definitely a good thing, no matter how lonely I feel sometimes.
I usually feel it the worst when I'm out walking around a busy street, and see all kinds of men pushing baby carriages or holding hands with their wives ... in other words, men that are taken.
When I think about it though, I've never really had the kind of man I want. Maybe temporarily, and even then, my relationships with them were never what I thought they were. I always thought it was more than it was, and they were just chillin'.
They say that what you give, you get. I have found out, so far in my life, that that is complete bullshit. Granted, my life isn't over, and I may still yet find the love to equal the love I have given out ... but sometimes I just get really tired of waiting. Sometimes I just get so angry I want to kick someone's door in, or trash a hotel room. It just isn't fair. I'm not ugly, I'm not unlovable, I'm not unsexy ... God, I'm definitely not unsexy. Every guy I've been with has told me I'm incredible in bed. Yet, night after night, I go to bed alone. Even when I was married, I was existentially alone. I might as well have been sleeping by myself.
People tell me things all the time when I express sentiments like the ones in this post. They say things like, "You will find someone", and "Hold your head up, go get him, he's out there", and "You're fabulous, just be patient." And I'm sure I'll probably get another bunch of the same kind of comments after people read this post. I know they're being very sweet and kind and just trying to make me feel better and I do appreciate that. But honestly ... those words really don't help. It's not within other people's power to bring me the love I want. If it was, I'm sure I probably would have gotten it by now.
Today in my car I was listening to one of my tapes and one of the songs was "Old Man" by Neil Young. I love that song. And there's a line in it that goes: Doesn't mean that much to me, to mean that much to you. That is the story, to a tee, of my love life. Every man I have loved has not had the same feelings for me. At the most, they might have been flattered by it, and the realization of that is very demoralizing ... as if the only benefit that came out of my deep feelings for another person was to boost their ego.
There is a guy in my past I have not been able to forget, I loved him so. It has taken every ounce of my strength and fortitude not to get in contact with him again because I know he will hurt me again, and again, and again, if I do. And I start to wonder ... why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep falling for men who do not have any feelings for me? Is it just coincidence? Even me ... the professional hand-wringer ... knows enough to say that it is no coincidence. But I haven't figured out why yet.
At least I am progressing. I have been able to hold off on contacting Mr. Wrong. Believe me, it has been very difficult at times. The old Me would not have been able to stop myself.
Maybe I'm starting to love myself more, and give myself that love freely, the same way I have given it to other people. Maybe that love is showing itself by steadfastly sparing myself certain pain.
That is definitely a good thing, no matter how lonely I feel sometimes.
posted by emily pound at 3:23 PM
4 Comments:
Okay, here's my first tip: Chocolate. What? lol It induces the exact same feeling as "after sex glow" so it helps cheer you up. I recommend Unconditional Chocolate ice cream made by Dove. It's heaven.
Second, no matter how stupid this sounds, read "He's Just Not That Into You" Weird as it may feel and sound, it's a really good book. And funny. Who can't use funny?
Third... Well, third involves questionable material and items. Kidding lol ;op
Men suck, that's obvious. Even if you find a good one, most men suck because they have no idea what it's like to be female. Consider right now a break, a time to enjoy and LOVE yourself. It's time for YOU to grow. I won't say you don't need a man to feel whole, but you don't need a man to be happy.
~Lily
Hi Lily,
Ice cream and chocolate are two of my personal favourites, and they do cheer me up ... but unfortunately, they also pack on the pounds which makes it even harder for me to find someone.
I have read "He's Just Not That Into You" and I did find it enjoyable and funny. There was a lot of wisdom in it. But it wears off so quickly! You read a book like that and you think, "Okay, now I know what the deal is. I will NEVER do that again ..." and then, a week or two later, you're back to square one.
What I say next may sound really horrifying and so unfeminist, but I'm not so sure you don't need a man to be happy (unless you swing the other way). It's not so much the man, but the ability to give romantic love and receive that romantic love back. I have a lot of love with my daughter, but of course it's not the same as a man. It's a totally different kind of love.
I don't know how women can be alone and happy. Unless they've been abused by men all their lives and just want nothing more to do with them.
Dear Jennie,
I knew you would be one of the first to jump in and send me a supportive message, because that's the kind of person you are. You are a such a compassionate person, and I thank you so much.
Your story of your blossoming love with Len was really beautiful. :-) I am so happy for you. I think the things that mean the most in our lives are the things that take us by surprise, that we aren't expecting, and develop without us knowing it. That's my problem, I have such a problem with patience! :-) It's just that I feel things so intensely that it's unbearable at times. I guess yesterday was one of those times.
I know, deep down, that it's really out of my hands. I can't "make" it happen. I can't wave a magic wand and say, "Okay, here he is." If he shows up, he'll do it on his own time and I'll recognize him when I see him.
Hi Jennie,
Thank you. You are absolutely right, surrounding yourself with loving and positive people is always the best thing ... even when things are going great.
He is a cutie pie, isn't he? :-) I should be so lucky!!!
Post a Comment
<< Home