It's Not All I Am
Yesterday afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school, the doors opened and she came rushing towards me with a distressed look on her face. "Mommy, Sonia said you were fat!" was the first thing she said to me. Sonia is one of her classmates.
Strangely enough, the first reaction I thought I would have (anger) was not the one. The first thing I felt was embarrassment, for her, and then sadness, for me. It brought back memories of my own hellish school days, when a trio of assholes who sat behind me in 7th grade used to get their kicks demeaning me and laughing at me. But only for a second. After all, I'm 41 years old now, that was a long time ago, and I've acquired enough distance and maturity to realize that all that stuff I went through was the same stuff a lot of other kids go through, and the knowledge that kids who do that to other kids have something missing in themselves and in their lives, and that's why they're so aggressive and cruel to other kids. It isn't about being fat, or short, or pimply, or wearing nerdy clothes. Not really. That's just the excuse for the harassment, when it's really about someone outwardly aggressive who really feels powerless, or flawed, or victimized by someone or something, and chooses to relieve those feelings by inflicting their own aggression on someone vulnerable. (I know, it sounds very psychological and complicated and deep.) For example, how many bullies did you know in school who probably went home and got the shit kicked out of them by one of their parents, or older siblings?
Anyway, I'm getting a little off track here. The point is, when my daughter told me that, I felt worse for her than I did for myself. It was strange. Rather than teasing my daughter about something specific about her, this kid chose to tease her or hurt her by telling her her mother was fat. I could see this really bothered my daughter, and that hurt me. Being fat is the ultimate sin. If you're fortunate enough not to be fat yourself, you still don't get off, because if you have a fat parent or sibling or whatever, you're still liable for singling out and teasing.
And I know kids can be cruel, kids are immature, kids are self-centred, etc. The problem is, there are probably just as many adults with the same attitude. It made me wonder how many other mothers out there on the playground waiting to pick up their kids stood around in their little packs and talked about me. "Look, there's Emily's mother. God, she's fat, isn't she? Why doesn't she do something about it?" I can hear their jabbering now.
The most important thing, I think, that people just don't GET, and I don't understand why, is that fat is not all I am. I am so many other things. I'm a writer, an editor, a mom, a woman, a music and movie lover ... and about ten million other things. But people see me standing there in my oversized jeans and my coat and their mind stops right there. I am simply fat. That is all I am, to them.
Strangely enough, the first reaction I thought I would have (anger) was not the one. The first thing I felt was embarrassment, for her, and then sadness, for me. It brought back memories of my own hellish school days, when a trio of assholes who sat behind me in 7th grade used to get their kicks demeaning me and laughing at me. But only for a second. After all, I'm 41 years old now, that was a long time ago, and I've acquired enough distance and maturity to realize that all that stuff I went through was the same stuff a lot of other kids go through, and the knowledge that kids who do that to other kids have something missing in themselves and in their lives, and that's why they're so aggressive and cruel to other kids. It isn't about being fat, or short, or pimply, or wearing nerdy clothes. Not really. That's just the excuse for the harassment, when it's really about someone outwardly aggressive who really feels powerless, or flawed, or victimized by someone or something, and chooses to relieve those feelings by inflicting their own aggression on someone vulnerable. (I know, it sounds very psychological and complicated and deep.) For example, how many bullies did you know in school who probably went home and got the shit kicked out of them by one of their parents, or older siblings?
Anyway, I'm getting a little off track here. The point is, when my daughter told me that, I felt worse for her than I did for myself. It was strange. Rather than teasing my daughter about something specific about her, this kid chose to tease her or hurt her by telling her her mother was fat. I could see this really bothered my daughter, and that hurt me. Being fat is the ultimate sin. If you're fortunate enough not to be fat yourself, you still don't get off, because if you have a fat parent or sibling or whatever, you're still liable for singling out and teasing.
And I know kids can be cruel, kids are immature, kids are self-centred, etc. The problem is, there are probably just as many adults with the same attitude. It made me wonder how many other mothers out there on the playground waiting to pick up their kids stood around in their little packs and talked about me. "Look, there's Emily's mother. God, she's fat, isn't she? Why doesn't she do something about it?" I can hear their jabbering now.
The most important thing, I think, that people just don't GET, and I don't understand why, is that fat is not all I am. I am so many other things. I'm a writer, an editor, a mom, a woman, a music and movie lover ... and about ten million other things. But people see me standing there in my oversized jeans and my coat and their mind stops right there. I am simply fat. That is all I am, to them.
posted by emily pound at 7:32 AM
5 Comments:
Hi Jennie,
I was never one of the cruel ones either. How could I be, when I knew how awful it felt to be picked on? I have to say, though, and this doesn't make me feel great, although I can understand it ... but when I saw other kids being picked on, I never stepped in to defend them and really honestly ... I was just glad the focus was off me for a change, which is really cruelty of another kind. We all do what we can to survive.
Emily:
I feel your pain, all of us fat folks have suffered the pain of being made fun of in some way directly. But as a parent there is nothing more painful than visiting something about the parent on the child.
But, and its a huge but(as compared to the sexy not quite so huge butt you have), the statement that Emily's mom is fat only has power over you and your daughter because you allow it to. Yes, you are fat. As you point out you are also bright, informed, a mother, a writer..... but, you are definitely fat. Last I checked, fat is not a four letter word, and it only carries negative meanings because we empower it to do so.
Are you ashamed that you're fat, if so shame on you. Fat is a part of you. Perhaps it won't be at some point in the future, but that won't change who you are inside one iota. I've acknowledged that I'm fat and changed it from a emotionally charged term to a purely descriptive one. My kids know I'm fat and that I'm okay with that. They may not be okay with being fat or even with me being fat, but they understand and have for a long time that if someone says.. gee your dad is fat, they go.. yeah.. so?
or .... I'm glad that you're not blind anymore.. did you just have eye surgery?
You have to pick your stance, but is your daughter embarrassed by you being fat? If so, you haven't taught her properly. While the little kid who made the comment is mean and nasty and otherwise impolite... the harm only resulted because of the tenderness about the term fat that you passed on to your daughter because of your own sensitivity and discomfort with that word and state of being.
Free yourself and your daughter from the chains that you, yourself have created.
Huge
Huge,
I have suffered so much in my life because I am fat, so naturally I am not in love with that part of myself. I am in love with the part of myself that is strong and proud despite what I have been through, but I can't help but feel resentful at my fat for bringing a lot of unpleasant experience into my life, even though I know it's not my fat that is to blame for it, it's the assholes who made it an issue that's the problem.
I think I'm getting better at not judging myself so harshly and treating myself kindly, and even seeing my fat as something heroic, considering my experiences. I can't help it though, I am embarrassed by it at times, I wish I wasn't fat. It is such an important part of me but there is no doubt in my mind that if I were offered a magic pill that could get it off me in one second, I would disown that part of me immediately. It is sad, and unfair to treat that part of myself that way.
But also, there is a huge difference in the teasing that occurs to girls as opposed to boys. I'm sure you had plenty of your own experiences growing up, and afterward, but with girls I think it strikes a little deeper to the core. What we look like is so all-important, so vital to the outside world, that when people single us out and call us names and tell us we're not good enough, it really damages you deep inside. I still feel like that sweet, vulnerable, 12-year-old girl in a lot of ways. I don't think it's possible for me to ever resolve what was done to me back then, not totally. I've just done my best to forget about it and be philosophical about it.
I know my daughter is embarrassed by my weight, and I know she knows I am embarrassed about it. I want to make sure and teach her how important it is to treat all people with respect and not focus so much on what they look like. But I guess I haven't done a good enough job. Maybe as she gets older and if she hears people say stuff about me she'll get mad and tell them off. I know she loves me, but like all kids, she just wants to fit in and have a thin mom like all her friends do.
The saga continues ...
You hit the nail on the head when you said that "I know my daughter is embarrassed by my weight, and she knows I am embarrassed about it". The only thing that you missed was the connector, it's not an "and" its a "BECAUSE". she's embarrassed by your weight because you've told her that you're embarrassed about it. You may not have told her in words that, but you did tell her by your actions. She's a bright kid and picked up on the signals you're sending. If I was being cruel I'd suggest shame on you for visiting your feelings about being fat on her, but because I'm not, I say its a pity that you haven't been able to break free of your pain from being fat and are passing along how unpleasant you find it to be fat.
While I understand that girls are much meaner than guys in many ways and girls are more "looks" oriented, guys who are fat come in for at least as many knocks as the gals. Greater wisdom and acceptance changes the sensitivity about being fat into acknowledgement and acceptance which robs those who seek to mock and make fun of the power to do so.
It really does work.
Huge
Huge,
I don't think you can put all the blame on me for my daughter's embarrassment at my being fat. I think the major reason she is embarrassed about it is not because of me, but because at 6 years old, she has already become well aware of society's non-acceptance of fat people. How? I guess from hearing her friends call other kids names on the playground, in the classroom, and at the park. There is one child in her class who is chubby, and I'm sure she gets teased about it all the time. I'd say this is by far the more likely reason she is aware of it, and embarrassed by it. She knows it's not accepted, it's something to be mocked.
I'm not denying that she is aware of my own embarrassment about it, but she is far too young let that be the primary reason it affects her attitude towards it. So please don't be so quick to blast me. There are plenty of other messages out there that she is getting about being fat, not just from me. Her biggest influences other than me are her peers.
None of us are immune to criticism, no matter how old or enlightened we get. How many times have been in a meeting at work or on the train or shopping somewhere and you hear someone make a comment and can honestly say it doesn't affect you? You might be able to dismiss it after awhile, but those first few seconds after you hear a cruel remark you can actually feel a physical reaction. I know I definitely do.
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