The Futility of Faking It
I went downtown today for my first post-axing job interview. It's for a proofreading position. It's funny, because it's a mere stone's throw away from where I worked for my former company. After the interview, I decided to take a stroll through my old stomping grounds and see if things had changed at all. They hadn't, give or take a few different stores here and there.
A friend told me recently that I really need to let go of the past and move on to my future. I know she's right, but it seems like every chance I get, I race back to the past. Whether it's moving back to my old neighbourhood, visiting a former workplace, repeating bad old habits ... it's compulsive for me. I can't get enough of it, reliving the past. Not that it was ever that great. But it's something I know, something I'm familiar with, something that I know won't surprise me.
When I think of all the changes that have taken place in my life recently, I guess it's not surprising that I feel tempted to revisit my past and attempt to gain some sense of security by seeing familiar places and reliving familiar feelings. You'd figure I should know by now the futility of running away from reality. But hey, I never said I was Superwoman. Even she needs a breather sometimes.
I started thinking this morning, Okay, enough bad thoughts. Think only positive thoughts from now on. I proceeded to list everything in my life that is good, and told myself firmly to think of those things only. It worked for a few minutes, but then the bad started creeping in again. That's definitely the old me. Always ruminating on the negative, discounting the positive.
It is so hard to change who you are. Even when you know that some of your actions are self-sabotaging and counterproductive, it isn't enough. What's the answer? A guy who has been emailing me on one of the dating sites I use keeps saying to me, "smile, keep smiling" ... and I think to myself ... Who the fuck are you kidding, pal? What the hell have I got to smile about right now? I'm sorry, but it just seems idiotic to me to go around smiling when I don't feel the least happy or content. I've never been able to fake feeling happy to myself. To others, sure, I'm the greatest actress in the world, but to myself ... forget it.
I also remember thinking, right after my dad died many years ago, and I was walking around looking at all the people on the street going about their business, running errands, laughing and joking with people beside them ... what is wrong with these people? Don't they know what's just happened? It just seemed incomprehensible to me that life could go on when such an enormous event had happened in my life. But it does. Life goes on, with or without you. It doesn't require your participation to make the earth revolve and traffic to stop and go, but you might as well. It's either you jump in and take part or just waste oxygen.
Where am I going with this? I don't know. I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm sitting on my ass with everyone walking around me, not seeing me. I really, really hate this.
A friend told me recently that I really need to let go of the past and move on to my future. I know she's right, but it seems like every chance I get, I race back to the past. Whether it's moving back to my old neighbourhood, visiting a former workplace, repeating bad old habits ... it's compulsive for me. I can't get enough of it, reliving the past. Not that it was ever that great. But it's something I know, something I'm familiar with, something that I know won't surprise me.
When I think of all the changes that have taken place in my life recently, I guess it's not surprising that I feel tempted to revisit my past and attempt to gain some sense of security by seeing familiar places and reliving familiar feelings. You'd figure I should know by now the futility of running away from reality. But hey, I never said I was Superwoman. Even she needs a breather sometimes.
I started thinking this morning, Okay, enough bad thoughts. Think only positive thoughts from now on. I proceeded to list everything in my life that is good, and told myself firmly to think of those things only. It worked for a few minutes, but then the bad started creeping in again. That's definitely the old me. Always ruminating on the negative, discounting the positive.
It is so hard to change who you are. Even when you know that some of your actions are self-sabotaging and counterproductive, it isn't enough. What's the answer? A guy who has been emailing me on one of the dating sites I use keeps saying to me, "smile, keep smiling" ... and I think to myself ... Who the fuck are you kidding, pal? What the hell have I got to smile about right now? I'm sorry, but it just seems idiotic to me to go around smiling when I don't feel the least happy or content. I've never been able to fake feeling happy to myself. To others, sure, I'm the greatest actress in the world, but to myself ... forget it.
I also remember thinking, right after my dad died many years ago, and I was walking around looking at all the people on the street going about their business, running errands, laughing and joking with people beside them ... what is wrong with these people? Don't they know what's just happened? It just seemed incomprehensible to me that life could go on when such an enormous event had happened in my life. But it does. Life goes on, with or without you. It doesn't require your participation to make the earth revolve and traffic to stop and go, but you might as well. It's either you jump in and take part or just waste oxygen.
Where am I going with this? I don't know. I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm sitting on my ass with everyone walking around me, not seeing me. I really, really hate this.
posted by emily pound at 11:06 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Emily:
Part of the solution to your problem is to see it with a sense of perspective. In a way, by looking at what you're doing in this blog and essentially making fun of yourself doing exactly what you know you shouldn't be doing, the problems are defined and limited and can't overwhelm you in the same way. Much in the way that a movie actress will often step to the fore and talk to the audience directly, you have built a small degree of separation from your problems which will make it easier for you to deal with the tough real world situations in which you find yourself. Big problems don't go away immediately in the real world, but they do go away if you chip away at them and make steady progress as you're doing.
Good luck on the job interview.
Also, holding onto some familiar things is not a bad thing. Just be selective about what you hold onto and cherish.
And smiling isn't such a bad thing, even if you don't feel like smiling on the inside. It becomes increasingly difficult to stay as far down if you're smiling. Even if for a short time, treat yourself to a bit of smiling... and then look at your daughter and realize how blessed you are, she's certainly something for you to smile about.
Huge
Thanks to both of you. Who knows, I may end up with a better job out of this. That would be nice. :-)
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