What Mine Would Say

A couple or more years ago, a woman named Eve Ensler wrote a book called "The Vagina Monologues". It was enormously popular and sold like hotcakes. I believe it was inspired by a one-woman show she did where she sat on stage and read "monologues" that either she or other women had written about their vaginas. I bought the book and read it, and found it quite fascinating. We women simply have not been encouraged to either think or say much about our vaginas. That doesn't seem right, does it, considering what an intrinsic part of all of our vagina is. It is our core, our centre, our essence. It was what makes us women. Surely it has a lot to say, but all too often it goes unexpressed.

For some reason I've been thinking about that book sitting there on my bookshelf for the last few days, and yesterday I took it down and browsed through it again. It inspired me to do this post today. So, without further ado, here is what I think my vagina would say, if she had the chance. Which she now does:

Thanks, babe. It took you long enough, but you finally did it. Now all you have to do is find the right guy to appreciate me. That shouldn't be too hard, should it? (pardon the pun)

Easy for you to say. You just get to sit there and wait to lubricate. I have to go out and get the actual guy.

You know, you've always been way too tough on yourself. Why don't you just relax for once? This isn't a race. This is about finding the guy who can rock our world. Rome wasn't built in a day, remember?

Yeah, yeah, I remember. Don't remind me. I've never been good with patience. You know that.

Do I ever. If the female equivalent of blue balls was blue ovaries, you've given it to me. But I love you for it. You let me express myself. You let me tell you what I need. And that one guy ... holy crap, what happened to him?

You know what happened. He was an asshole.

Yeah, but mama mia ... all you have to do is find someone who is as good as he was but has the personality and character qualities to match and we're all set. I'm telling you sweetie, once you've done that, you'll be one happy camper.

Right. IF I find him.

Stop comparing yourself to other women. That's your big failing. You really have the knack of minimizing your own beauty. You really buy into all the brainwashing that's out there. Tap into my energy and say fuck it. Don't let it influence you. Just let yourself be yourself. Don't be afraid to show who you really are.

Whenever I do that, though, it seems I alienate people. Either I'm too sexy, too intelligent, too sarcastic, too brash, whatever ...

You've just been hanging out with the wrong crowd, honey. Find your niche. I guarantee, you'll find him there. Then we can spend hours in bed with him, doing all the things we've dreamed of doing, and feeling all the things we've dreamed of feeling. Won't that be wonderful?

Sure. If it actually happens.

Don't "if" yourself. There ARE no ifs where I'm concerned. I won't take no for an answer.

Okay. I'll keep that in mind.

Close your eyes whenever you want to tap into my energy. Feel me there, urging you on. I believe in you, baby. I AM you. I'm pissed off that I haven't gotten what I wanted and I'm not going to wait anymore. You're going to have to go out and get it for me, since you have the legs and I don't. But once you do, just let me take over. I can handle it from there.

I like your style.

I like yours too, dollface. Now go out and get him. Hurry. I'm sick of these goddam blue ovaries. They're killing me.