The Leaver vs. The Leavee
When a relationship ends, someone is always blamed for it. Usually it's the person who does the leaving. Whether it's the woman or the man -- the stereotypical leaver is usually the man, who has been having an affair -- they are usually branded as a no-good, dirty, lousy, jerk. That's the situation I'm in now.
I understand that the person who gets left is hurt, scared, angry, upset. I understand that people rally around them and try to make them feel better, and one of the ways they try to make the "leavee" feel better is by verbally assaulting and ripping apart the "leaver". The focus is rightly on the person who is being left, because they need emotional support and comfort. But the "leavee" goes through their own emotional pain. Granted, it's a different sort of pain, but it's pain all the same. A lot of people have the misconception that the person who is leaving is on cloud nine, is ecstatic and happy. While there might be some element of excitement and anticipation at what lies ahead, I certainly wouldn't call what I'm feeling right now happiness or elation.
Perhaps my situation is harder because it's not your typical, "I met someone else and had an affair" deal. I did end up having an affair during my marriage, which I'm not exactly proud of, but that's not why I'm leaving. My marriage was over years before I had the affair. I'm leaving because my husband and I don't have what it takes to last 40, or 50, or 60 years. We've already known each other for almost 20, and it's amazing to me that we lasted this long.
No, I'm taking a real chance here. There's a lot of fear, a lot of uneasiness, a lot of sadness on my part. My husband is a great guy but he is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I believe we both stayed together this long strictly out of a fear of being alone, and I have finally come to the realization that that is a lousy reason to be married. It may turn out, and I know this in my soul, that I never meet the man who I believe is right for me, who makes me happy, who gives me what I need (no, I don't mean materially). That's where the fear and uncertainty comes in to plague me. I have asked myself this question a billion times and will probably ask it a billion more: Should I leave a situation that is not-bad for a situation that may never occur? My answer, obviously, is yes. I realize that the "sin" of staying in a marriage where the only glue holding it together is fear of being alone is a worse sin than breaking the vow I made seven years ago. I may end up alone. I know that. But I guess I can live with myself if that happens. At least I'll know I had the guts to try to get the life I want.
I'm leaving behind a lot. My husband and I had a lot of great times together. I will miss him terribly. When I'm in my apartment at night, in bed alone, I'm sure I'll think about him and ache for him the way an amputee aches for a phantom limb. I have felt enormous guilt and shame for the decision I have made, but I know that those are the results of other people's judgments on me. I know there was no malice or evil intent involved in my decision. I am doing it purely because I know it is best, and healthiest, for me, and by extension, my daughter.
The leavees are not the only ones who hurt. It might be a different pain, but I can assure you unequivocally, I hurt too.
I understand that the person who gets left is hurt, scared, angry, upset. I understand that people rally around them and try to make them feel better, and one of the ways they try to make the "leavee" feel better is by verbally assaulting and ripping apart the "leaver". The focus is rightly on the person who is being left, because they need emotional support and comfort. But the "leavee" goes through their own emotional pain. Granted, it's a different sort of pain, but it's pain all the same. A lot of people have the misconception that the person who is leaving is on cloud nine, is ecstatic and happy. While there might be some element of excitement and anticipation at what lies ahead, I certainly wouldn't call what I'm feeling right now happiness or elation.
Perhaps my situation is harder because it's not your typical, "I met someone else and had an affair" deal. I did end up having an affair during my marriage, which I'm not exactly proud of, but that's not why I'm leaving. My marriage was over years before I had the affair. I'm leaving because my husband and I don't have what it takes to last 40, or 50, or 60 years. We've already known each other for almost 20, and it's amazing to me that we lasted this long.
No, I'm taking a real chance here. There's a lot of fear, a lot of uneasiness, a lot of sadness on my part. My husband is a great guy but he is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I believe we both stayed together this long strictly out of a fear of being alone, and I have finally come to the realization that that is a lousy reason to be married. It may turn out, and I know this in my soul, that I never meet the man who I believe is right for me, who makes me happy, who gives me what I need (no, I don't mean materially). That's where the fear and uncertainty comes in to plague me. I have asked myself this question a billion times and will probably ask it a billion more: Should I leave a situation that is not-bad for a situation that may never occur? My answer, obviously, is yes. I realize that the "sin" of staying in a marriage where the only glue holding it together is fear of being alone is a worse sin than breaking the vow I made seven years ago. I may end up alone. I know that. But I guess I can live with myself if that happens. At least I'll know I had the guts to try to get the life I want.
I'm leaving behind a lot. My husband and I had a lot of great times together. I will miss him terribly. When I'm in my apartment at night, in bed alone, I'm sure I'll think about him and ache for him the way an amputee aches for a phantom limb. I have felt enormous guilt and shame for the decision I have made, but I know that those are the results of other people's judgments on me. I know there was no malice or evil intent involved in my decision. I am doing it purely because I know it is best, and healthiest, for me, and by extension, my daughter.
The leavees are not the only ones who hurt. It might be a different pain, but I can assure you unequivocally, I hurt too.
posted by emily pound at 5:11 AM
6 Comments:
Dear Emily:
What a wonderful pathos filled cry for affirmation. I stand by your side and say huzzah. Okay, not really sure what huzzah means.. but I can visualize some old movie and the good guy says something deep, scary and righteous and the old guard grand poombah ponderously rises to his feet(always a guy in the old movies) and says Huzzah!! as he lifts his hand to the sky.. and all the little folk start cheering.. perhaps even jumping in the river to celebrate.. no that was the old El Exigente commercial for Maxwell House coffee.. well whatever. I take your soul bearing seriously and believe that your decision to leave is more difficult in many ways than the role of the abandoned partner. The abandoned partner can count on the empathy and support of all(and the continuing comfort of the shared abode to mope in). To take the step of moving out into a brave new existence is a very frightening and difficult step even if it is the best move for all involved.
Thank you sweetheart. I know I can always count on you for empathy and encouragement. I'm in the midst of moving right now, have just sat down to take a break for the first time in about 6 hours. (I will be posting on this topic when I get the chance, which might not be today, probably tomorrow). Anyway ... the amount of stuff I have accumulated over seven years is absolutely unbelievable. And I'm getting quite a workout going up and down those stairs, toting boxes and bags. Whew.
Doubtless, I will be blogging on my new single life extensively. I know you will be there to give me your insight and support. You are the coolest, baby! :-)
Lata
I'm not there, I'm not you, I'm not him, so I can't say if what you're doing is right, if it can't be fixed, it's no one's place but yours... But I wish you so much luck. I hope that you both can remain at least civil to each other. It's so important that it can be that way, at least for your daughter. My aunt and uncle divorced last year and it quickly turned bitter and angry. I pray, oh do I pray, that this doesn't happen to you. I hope you both get through this with as little scarring as possible, and end up in happy relationships.
All the luck in the world to you,
~Lily
Thank you, Lily. I am striving to try and keep at least a friendship between me and my husband, but understandably, he has been up and down with that. He's angry with me, and very hurt, and all I can do is keep telling him that I do care about him and want to keep things civil between us. It's an awful situation, really, but one that I could not see being avoided, unless I wanted to be very unhappy for the rest of my life. I will do my best to see that things are as civil as possible. Thanks again for your kind comments.
Thank you, Jennie! :-) You are the first person (with the exception of a therapist and a very close friend) who have told me unequivocally that I'm doing the right thing. Not that I need anyone else's approval to do what I know is best for me, but it certainly helps. Everyone else has either been maddeningly neutral or outright opposed. Thanks for your comments. I hope to meet the man of my dreams just like you did yours. :-)
hugs
Dear Jennie,
Thank you so much. I hope you're right. I'm waiting, looking, searching ... where IS he???? :-)
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