T.G.I.M.?
You know there's got to be something wrong when you look forward to Monday rather than Friday. That's the way my life has been going lately. Things are so shitty at home I dread the weekends and look forward to getting back to work on Monday.
When I got married almost six years ago, I knew it wouldn't last. I knew I was doing it for the wrong reasons. But I went ahead and did it anyway, which is what kills me the most. I'm an intelligent woman. I have a lot of psychological insight, due to my love of psychology and extensive reading on the subject. It's not like I went into it with no knowledge, or foresight, or even intuition that I would regret it later.
But, like a lot of intelligent people, I did a stupid thing. And I'm paying for it now. Not only that ... a person I genuinely love, my husband, is suffering now too. He's not a bad guy. In fact, he's a wonderful, sweet person. How screwed up is that? He's a great guy but the feelings are just not there. I tried to explain to him that you can love someone without being in love with them but he doesn't get it. I'm not sure I get it either. All I know is, for the past six years (and a lot longer than that, in truth), I have felt no excitement, no passion, no fun ... none of the things I need, and any woman needs, to feel truly alive.
What makes it worse is that all the people I'm closest to -- my husband, members of my family -- all think I'm making a big mistake by leaving and that I will regret it. Yet, whenever I explain my situation to total strangers -- people I've met on the internet, therapists, acquaintances -- their opinion of it is totally different and they encourage me and tell me I'm doing the right thing. They tell me it takes a lot of guts to bring the truth out in the open, to want to start a new life, with no dishonesties, no compromises, nothing but what is best for me. It's so confusing. Who's right, the people who know me or the people who don't? And why do I even need anyone's seal of approval, anyway? I know in my heart what is right for me.
There are two primary emotions I'm facing right now: guilt and frustration. Guilt for wanting to leave, for hurting someone unnecessarily, and frustration for feeling that guilt because it's getting in the way of what I really want to do.
I've been the good girl all my life, doing what other people want me to do for them. I'm 41 years old. I figure it's time I started doing what I want to do for myself.
Is that really so wrong?
When I got married almost six years ago, I knew it wouldn't last. I knew I was doing it for the wrong reasons. But I went ahead and did it anyway, which is what kills me the most. I'm an intelligent woman. I have a lot of psychological insight, due to my love of psychology and extensive reading on the subject. It's not like I went into it with no knowledge, or foresight, or even intuition that I would regret it later.
But, like a lot of intelligent people, I did a stupid thing. And I'm paying for it now. Not only that ... a person I genuinely love, my husband, is suffering now too. He's not a bad guy. In fact, he's a wonderful, sweet person. How screwed up is that? He's a great guy but the feelings are just not there. I tried to explain to him that you can love someone without being in love with them but he doesn't get it. I'm not sure I get it either. All I know is, for the past six years (and a lot longer than that, in truth), I have felt no excitement, no passion, no fun ... none of the things I need, and any woman needs, to feel truly alive.
What makes it worse is that all the people I'm closest to -- my husband, members of my family -- all think I'm making a big mistake by leaving and that I will regret it. Yet, whenever I explain my situation to total strangers -- people I've met on the internet, therapists, acquaintances -- their opinion of it is totally different and they encourage me and tell me I'm doing the right thing. They tell me it takes a lot of guts to bring the truth out in the open, to want to start a new life, with no dishonesties, no compromises, nothing but what is best for me. It's so confusing. Who's right, the people who know me or the people who don't? And why do I even need anyone's seal of approval, anyway? I know in my heart what is right for me.
There are two primary emotions I'm facing right now: guilt and frustration. Guilt for wanting to leave, for hurting someone unnecessarily, and frustration for feeling that guilt because it's getting in the way of what I really want to do.
I've been the good girl all my life, doing what other people want me to do for them. I'm 41 years old. I figure it's time I started doing what I want to do for myself.
Is that really so wrong?
posted by emily pound at 6:54 AM
6 Comments:
What a wonderful cry for help. Of course, its not clear whether you want the help from without or from within.
I also see the same sort of dichotomy between the advice given by those who know me and those who don't, over the internet. In a sense its like the old cartoons with the angel character on one shoulder and the devil character on the other talking to you. Ultimately, its a good thing to get different opinions, but a bad thing to rely on any one of the opinions solely because of who provides them. You can't outsource decisions which affect you and the the ones you love and care about to anyone else. Doing so is intellectually and emotionally dishonest.
Gee, I guess I've said.. you're on your own when you need to make the big choices affecting your life.
Sort of like the political process, where you're bombarded with all candidates ads and other input, but on election day, its just you in a little booth, with a flimsy curtain separating you from the outside world.. your choices laid out there and up to you to flip the levers or push the buttons or hit the touch screen.
So... who'd you vote for?
Big decisions are reserved for the person making them, and no one else. It would be nice to absolved of the responsibility, but unfortunately, it can't be done. The true meaning of "adult" is definitely tested at moments like the one I'm facing now: Are you prepared to do what you want to do, knowing that you will face all sorts of opposition and disapproval, and not let that sway you?
That's the big question.
Bravo. You've got it. Once you've made your decision, validated it completely in your mind, have the strength of character and gumption to implement it. This doesn't, however, mean you can't change your mind and should like many of our politicians believe that steadfastness of purpose and a refusal to change in midstream are virtues in all cases. Smart people always re-evaluate their courses, just like sea captains do.. not just relying on the fact that they set the right heading when they left port.
I've been the Queen of Procrastination so far in my life. I've validated things completely in my mind a million times, and still failed to follow through. It's a constant struggle against my basic nature to just sit back and hope things will get better on their own. I am at a real crossroads right now, a very important point in my life. It's now or never, I know that. If I don't follow through with this, I never will, and I know it's going to end up costing me a lot emotionally and affect me big-time as far as self-respect is concerned.
What a selfish, self-centered decision. If you leave him, yes, perhaps your family and friends will be right. Your decision to leave your husband is immature though. Doing this would be a characteristic of society today that only cares about themselves and no one else. However, the decision is yours. Go ahead and think that what your doing is the right thing, perhaps you will regret it or perhaps you will not. One thing though you should really consider the consequences of your actions before making a big decision such as this. If you have already made this decision, then well I hope the best for you.
you know what ... I agree that society today is very self-centred and people tend to only think about themselves rather than others. We have become very narcissistic. However, there is a big difference between narcissism and survival. I don't know where the hell you get off thinking you have the right to lecture me and be all sanctimonious. You don't know me, you don't know my situation, you don't know my situation. In other words, you know nothing. I get all the self-righteousness from the people around me, you just gave me a little extra. What I do, in the end, is none of your concern anyway.
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