Love in the Dark
Over the course of many years of being a large woman (I hate the word "fat", always have, always will), I have encountered many men who have been attracted to me but have been ashamed of their attraction to me. These men, otherwise known as "FAs" (fat admirers) are, in my opinion, not men. They are boys.
A man, in my opinion, is not just defined by the fact that he has a penis and is a fully grown adult male. No -- in my opinion, a man is defined by a lot more than that. A man is someone who is honest, who lives his life honestly, who deeply loves and staunchly defends the honour of the woman he loves. Anything less does not meet the criteria.
I remember many years ago, being at a party with a guy I liked. He was a handsome guy and I was all warm and wet over him. At first, I thought he met the definition of a man because he was open about the fact that he was attracted to me in front of my friends, and I thought, Wow ... this guy is really great. When we left the party that night and started walking home along a main street, we ran into an acquaintance and I sensed a difference in him when this guy saw us together, a subtle sort of tension. I brushed it off and we continued walking home, talking. It was only after we left the main street and turned onto a deserted side street that he finally took my hand and held it. I felt a moment of gratitude and happiness, and then that was quickly replaced by annoyance and fear, at the realization that, yes ... he was ashamed of me, otherwise why would he not have held my hand all the way home?
I have had moments like this, in one form or another, with many men in my life. There is always hope and headiness in the beginning, that he won't be like all the others, but then, more often than not, he turns out to be just like them after all. Whose fault is it, that these men are like this? I know the crux of the matter is that men these days are conditioned to believe that they are not real men unless they have a woman on their arm who can make their friends jealous. If she doesn't meet the criteria of being a hottie, she is vulnerable to ridicule, and, by extension, the ridicule of the man who is with her. He is told he can't get any better, and he must be desperate, and that's why he's with the fat chick. So, in order to prove themselves to be real men, they renounce the women they are probably genuinely attracted to and could probably have a very fulfilling relationship with.
It's very sad. I feel sad that men are under this kind of pressure, but what makes me even sadder is that they don't stand up to it. If they did, they would be such heroes and even more desirable to the large women they love. It also makes me angry. We fat women (ick, I said it!) have so much going against us. We need, more than anyone, to be loved and supported. Yet it's constantly denied us, even by the men who purport to love us.
A man, in my opinion, is not just defined by the fact that he has a penis and is a fully grown adult male. No -- in my opinion, a man is defined by a lot more than that. A man is someone who is honest, who lives his life honestly, who deeply loves and staunchly defends the honour of the woman he loves. Anything less does not meet the criteria.
I remember many years ago, being at a party with a guy I liked. He was a handsome guy and I was all warm and wet over him. At first, I thought he met the definition of a man because he was open about the fact that he was attracted to me in front of my friends, and I thought, Wow ... this guy is really great. When we left the party that night and started walking home along a main street, we ran into an acquaintance and I sensed a difference in him when this guy saw us together, a subtle sort of tension. I brushed it off and we continued walking home, talking. It was only after we left the main street and turned onto a deserted side street that he finally took my hand and held it. I felt a moment of gratitude and happiness, and then that was quickly replaced by annoyance and fear, at the realization that, yes ... he was ashamed of me, otherwise why would he not have held my hand all the way home?
I have had moments like this, in one form or another, with many men in my life. There is always hope and headiness in the beginning, that he won't be like all the others, but then, more often than not, he turns out to be just like them after all. Whose fault is it, that these men are like this? I know the crux of the matter is that men these days are conditioned to believe that they are not real men unless they have a woman on their arm who can make their friends jealous. If she doesn't meet the criteria of being a hottie, she is vulnerable to ridicule, and, by extension, the ridicule of the man who is with her. He is told he can't get any better, and he must be desperate, and that's why he's with the fat chick. So, in order to prove themselves to be real men, they renounce the women they are probably genuinely attracted to and could probably have a very fulfilling relationship with.
It's very sad. I feel sad that men are under this kind of pressure, but what makes me even sadder is that they don't stand up to it. If they did, they would be such heroes and even more desirable to the large women they love. It also makes me angry. We fat women (ick, I said it!) have so much going against us. We need, more than anyone, to be loved and supported. Yet it's constantly denied us, even by the men who purport to love us.
posted by emily pound at 5:06 AM
6 Comments:
I hear your pain coming through your blog entry. As I've noted in my own blog there is no good reason for a FA who is attracted by fat women and a special one fat woman to stay in the closet. However, when you go out with such a tadpole along the spectrum to full blown bullfrog FA, it is your responsibility to prohibit him from not treating you right. You can educate, cajole, beat on, threaten or seduce him to be an in the open FA. If you tolerate having a relationship with him in which you allow him to be embarrassed about being with you in public or with his friends and family, then you're part of the problem by accepting this second class treatment. Yes, he's wrong to act that way. Yes, he's treating you badly. Yes, you're a part of the problem because you allow yourself to be treated that way. Its not YOUR fault, but you buy into the problem and make it one YOU have to suffer with. If you make it clear in your words and actions that you won't tolerate such treatment or will terminate your relationship you will have one of two positive results. Either he shapes up and is proud of you and being with you in public or he doesn't shape up and is sent packing. In my view no relationship is better than one in which you are treated like a second class citizen.
As many wiser folks than I have said much better, no one can force you to accept being treated like a second class citizen unless you grant them the power to do so. Don't give them that power.
I agree with everything you have said here, huge. A lot of larger women will tolerate being treated as a second-class citizen or a dirty secret because they are afraid that they have no other choice, and that is simply not true. I know from my own experience how hard it is to find a decent guy when you are a larger woman, but the answer is not to accept anyone who comes along. I guess it really all comes down to self-esteem. If you truly love yourself, you won't tolerate being treated badly by anyone. It can be very lonely having high standards, but in the end, it spares you unnecessary pain.
They're out there but most are cowards.
I've always liked bigger women rather than smaller women. In my opinion, women ought to be round and curvaceous not boney like a 10-year-old boy.
I think there's a lot more men out there who feel the same way but hestitate to be open with it because of the same reason that some kids won't be seen with the boy with bottlecap glasses at school.
It's juvenile, so you're right, they're boys. I'd like to think that behaviour changes with age though, because sooner or later time provides all of us with our own body issues.
witness, I can tell you from experience in at least one case that age did not make a difference at all. One guy I was with, late 40s, had a beer belly on him that was quite substantial, yet still told me I was too big for him. I was furious at the double standard, but what could I do? Unfortunately, I had already fallen for him and it hurt really badly.
It has always mystified me how there are different standards in physical appearance for men and women. I still can't make sense of it, no matter how hard I try. I fall in love with the guy because of who he is (or seems to be). Are men really that much different?
I can't speak for all men because I like to think I'm somewhat unique, even if I'm just being idealistic in that sense. In a way though, I think women also do it to themselves a bit. You get a group of women together for example, one of them exclaims they've lost two pounds and the group go nuts congratulating her like she just got a job promotion or something. It doesn't even have to do with health, it has to do with fitting into a smaller pair of jeans and I think women breed that smaller is better mentality amongst themselves just as much as men propagate it, if not more.
On the other hand, I know about the double standard from my own end. I put on some weight about a year ago and people began joking about it and literally said I looked better (I disagree) and a woman would never get that reaction.
You are absolutely right, witness, about womens' asinine obsession with diets. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a woman say, "I need to lose two pounds" or "I put on five pounds, I have to get rid of it!", well ... you know how the rest of that goes. In some ways women are much harder on their appearances than men are, but it has been methodically drilled into us that we HAVE to be that way. It really is a sad situation that we just can't relax in our own bodies.
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