Me & Mom
My mother and I have never had an easy relationship. As far back as I can remember, she was doing or saying things that annoyed me, I was doing or saying things that annoyed her ... it was the classic "oil and water" thing, tomato/tomahto. Now that I'm 41, I'm surprised to see that she can still evoke the same feelings in me that she did when I was a child.
I'm separating from my husband, am due to move out this weekend, actually, and from the first moment I told her this was the decision I had made, she has made it clear she does not agree with me, that I'm making a huge mistake, that I will regret it, that I will end up alone and broke, and that my daughter will suffer terribly. Fair enough. This is her opinion, and I know that no matter what I say to her, nothing will change her opinion. So I can live with that. But it's the little things that get to me ... that got to me this morning. I'll give you an example.
Since I'm due to move this weekend, I've asked for a couple of days off from work. I told her this and she says to me, "For God's sake, be nice about it. Don't jeopardize your job. Explain the situation to them and make sure they understand. The last thing you need right now is to be out of work." Now, ordinarily this is the kind of comment that I am so used to that it would just roll right off my back and disappear. But this morning, with my separation pending, and most everyone's sympathy and concern focused on my husband, I guess I just had no room left for tolerance or levity. This is the way she has talked to me my entire life. Like I am a complete and utter moron who would not be able to breathe if she did not tell me to inhale and exhale. God knows I can be blunt at times, and this morning after she said this to me, I said, "You know, mom, I don't mean to be nasty, but it surprises me sometimes that you don't tell me to wipe my own ass when I go to the bathroom." She gave me that look, the one that says, you ungrateful thing, why do I even bother talking to you, and then she started shaking her head and saying, "Okay, I'm fed up, all I'm trying to do is help and all you do is insult me," blah blah blah. Then I realized I probably shouldn't have said anything, just swallowed her condescension like I have done a billion times before, but I just finished my coffee, got up and got ready to leave.
I know there is a lot of complexity involved in mother-daughter relationships. From the womb to the grave, it is probably the most intimate relationship we will ever have. I know that in her own way, she was just trying to help. What constantly flummoxes me, baffles me, is how she can think that such a comment is helpful. All I know is, if my daughter were separating from her husband (she's only six and I'm just speculating of course), even if I disagreed with her decision, I would realize that she must be very unhappy to be making this decision, and that emotional support would be crucial to her at that time. I would say, "You know, I think you might be making a mistake, but obviously you're very unhappy or you wouldn't be doing this." It doesn't mean I would be taking sides with her husband against her. If I liked her husband I would support him too. But I would know that my daughter's well-being is the most important thing, and the last thing I needed to be doing was talking to her like she was an idiot.
There is something about me being assertive, about defending myself, about being independent and strong that just rubs my mother (and a lot of other people too) the wrong way, and she does everything she can to reverse it and undermine my strength and intelligence, make me feel like that helpless little child again. Thank God I am an adult now and know that I am not at anyone's mercy anymore, unless I choose to be.
I'm separating from my husband, am due to move out this weekend, actually, and from the first moment I told her this was the decision I had made, she has made it clear she does not agree with me, that I'm making a huge mistake, that I will regret it, that I will end up alone and broke, and that my daughter will suffer terribly. Fair enough. This is her opinion, and I know that no matter what I say to her, nothing will change her opinion. So I can live with that. But it's the little things that get to me ... that got to me this morning. I'll give you an example.
Since I'm due to move this weekend, I've asked for a couple of days off from work. I told her this and she says to me, "For God's sake, be nice about it. Don't jeopardize your job. Explain the situation to them and make sure they understand. The last thing you need right now is to be out of work." Now, ordinarily this is the kind of comment that I am so used to that it would just roll right off my back and disappear. But this morning, with my separation pending, and most everyone's sympathy and concern focused on my husband, I guess I just had no room left for tolerance or levity. This is the way she has talked to me my entire life. Like I am a complete and utter moron who would not be able to breathe if she did not tell me to inhale and exhale. God knows I can be blunt at times, and this morning after she said this to me, I said, "You know, mom, I don't mean to be nasty, but it surprises me sometimes that you don't tell me to wipe my own ass when I go to the bathroom." She gave me that look, the one that says, you ungrateful thing, why do I even bother talking to you, and then she started shaking her head and saying, "Okay, I'm fed up, all I'm trying to do is help and all you do is insult me," blah blah blah. Then I realized I probably shouldn't have said anything, just swallowed her condescension like I have done a billion times before, but I just finished my coffee, got up and got ready to leave.
I know there is a lot of complexity involved in mother-daughter relationships. From the womb to the grave, it is probably the most intimate relationship we will ever have. I know that in her own way, she was just trying to help. What constantly flummoxes me, baffles me, is how she can think that such a comment is helpful. All I know is, if my daughter were separating from her husband (she's only six and I'm just speculating of course), even if I disagreed with her decision, I would realize that she must be very unhappy to be making this decision, and that emotional support would be crucial to her at that time. I would say, "You know, I think you might be making a mistake, but obviously you're very unhappy or you wouldn't be doing this." It doesn't mean I would be taking sides with her husband against her. If I liked her husband I would support him too. But I would know that my daughter's well-being is the most important thing, and the last thing I needed to be doing was talking to her like she was an idiot.
There is something about me being assertive, about defending myself, about being independent and strong that just rubs my mother (and a lot of other people too) the wrong way, and she does everything she can to reverse it and undermine my strength and intelligence, make me feel like that helpless little child again. Thank God I am an adult now and know that I am not at anyone's mercy anymore, unless I choose to be.
posted by emily pound at 5:01 AM
4 Comments:
We all have issues with our mothers. Not being a daughter, but a son doesn't change everything. Of course there are differences and some intimacies that only two women can share. However, in pushing buttons that make us jump, growl, pull out our hair or want to scream, mothers are the champs. And the artful way in which they can be saying words which mean I'm on your side, I'm helping you, and I'm supporting you, but the message coming across is: you're obviously an incompetent, bungling idiot who wouldn't be able to accomplish anything if it weren't for my help, guidance and advice and whatever you were thinking discard it and substitute my ideas. As an adult with my own children I work very hard not to extend the same neuroses to my kids or make them feel bad for my own satisfaction or piece of mind. I've learned that one must not be rude, but implacably firm in repeating, like a mantra, "thank you for your support and advice. I've already considered the ideas and suggestions you've made and have reached my own conclusions as you've taught me to do". And, that's it. I've applied this approach on a number of occasions. Usually, I then find some way to end the conversation or shift the conversation immediately to some other non-controversial topic, like what's new with Aunt Betty's bunions or some such.
As a parent I practice the concept of unconditional love. No matter what my children do I continue to love and support them. I may be incredibly angry, upset, crazy with grief or embarrassment, but they know that doesn't affect the central, underlying love I have for them. I may punish them for inappropriate speech, actions or inactions, but that is a punishment of what they've done or not done, not a lowering of my love and affection for them by any number of notches. My love is not for sale, non-negotiable and not hostage to them doing something I want them to do or to prevent them from doing something they want to do but I don't want them to do. Its never a bargaining chip. How much money they get, the clothing they can buy, the places they can visit, whose music we will listen to are all subjects which are open to negotiation. We often get angry at each other, butting heads and saying angry words. But at the core of it is that my love is undiminished and unaffected whether I'm feeling angry or happy with them, embarrassed or proud.
Boy, did you ever sum this up perfectly. No one but my mother could ever make me feel quite as inept, dumb, immature, selfish, guilty, whatever negative thing you can think of. Usually I can kind of grit my teeth and ignore the comments that make me want to scream, but this morning, I just couldn't do it. I am under such stress right now that I guess my tolerance for that kind of thing is zero. But again, right after I made that retort, I immediately regretted it. In my relationship with my mother, short-term victory is quickly replaced with long-term misery, and it is just not worth it to demand to be treated as an equal. My mother is just not capable of treating me as one. Forever in her eyes, I will be the bungling, incompetent idiot who cannot survive without her generous, wise help. I'm probably making her out to sound like an awful person, and I want to make it clear that I do love my mother, and I am grateful for her presence, despite our constant sparring. To say that we have vastly different personalities would be a monumental understatement. She is actually much more like my husband in personality than she is like me. Most women unconsciously marry their fathers; I married my mother.
You sound like a model parent. I have striven to be the kind of mother I did not have when I was growing up, which is very affectionate, touchy-feely, fun, indulgent. I probably tend to go overboard and spoil my daughter more often than give her the discipline that is healthy and that she needs. But I know how bereft I felt growing up, of having those comforting arms around me, those words assuring me I was wonderful and smart and pretty. I too love my daughter unconditionally. No matter what she did, how she disappointed me, I could never withhold the love I have for her. Maybe it's a generational thing? My parents grew up in the WWII era, in Europe, they were always talking about how "soft" we kids were and how we had it so good compared to them. That's definitely got a lot to do with the way they were raised, and how they raised me and my brothers.
My parents also came from the old country and their values and experiences are different in many ways from what I've had as a child, young man and now 40 something. But they passed along a number of their core values. Those I took. The things I hated about what my parents did to me and always considered unfair and irrational I've tried to change. Parenting isn't easy and you never get it right. You keep plugging along and do the best you can with what you've got. I'm sure you're doing exactly that now. Its never easy, but I can tell you that there is nothing so gratifying as you child spreading her or his wings and flying on their own. The satisfaction available to a parent when a child shines is beyond priceless.
You sound like such a proud father. :-) Congratulations! I strive to be a good role model for my daughter and as far as I'm concerned, one of the important parts of that is not staying in a situation that makes me miserable. I look forward to the day she is a young woman and makes her own choices, hopefully good ones. It's my job to teach her what those are. Parenting is not easy. But the biggest compliment for me is when my daughter tries to be like me, or looks at me with those big eyes all full of questions. She is definitely the most important person in my life.
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