Weightless
The "real" me, the "invisible" me, the combination of my thoughts, experiences, impressions, is weightless. You can't see her, but she is so much more "me" than my body. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see her. The person I see in the mirror is not the person I see in my mind's eye when I think of myself.
Sometimes she is ... there are times I feel very pretty and sexy and look at myself in the mirror and I feel that she has materialized, and I feel "unified" and happy. But more often than not, I am disappointed and irritated. I feel outwitted by my own body.
They say that our outward appearances are a reflection of our inner selves. I say "bullshit" to that. No way is my outer appearance a reflection of my inner self. It might be the result of past experiences, past hurts, past traumas, but it is definitely not a reflection of my basic, inner self.
The real me is funny, vulgar, cultured, deeply intelligent, kind, innocent, generous, vulnerable, sexy, erotic, sensual, irresistible. She can also be vengeful, immature, selfish, but only out of a reaction to someone's mistreatment of her.
I remember going to a palm reader once and he looked at my palm and told me, among other things, that I was a very loving person. "What do you see?" I asked him. "I see ... an ocean of love," he said.
I just want the inside and the outside to match. I feel like Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, inside, but when I look in the mirror I don't see her. And I wonder why she keeps resisting being there, no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes she is ... there are times I feel very pretty and sexy and look at myself in the mirror and I feel that she has materialized, and I feel "unified" and happy. But more often than not, I am disappointed and irritated. I feel outwitted by my own body.
They say that our outward appearances are a reflection of our inner selves. I say "bullshit" to that. No way is my outer appearance a reflection of my inner self. It might be the result of past experiences, past hurts, past traumas, but it is definitely not a reflection of my basic, inner self.
The real me is funny, vulgar, cultured, deeply intelligent, kind, innocent, generous, vulnerable, sexy, erotic, sensual, irresistible. She can also be vengeful, immature, selfish, but only out of a reaction to someone's mistreatment of her.
I remember going to a palm reader once and he looked at my palm and told me, among other things, that I was a very loving person. "What do you see?" I asked him. "I see ... an ocean of love," he said.
I just want the inside and the outside to match. I feel like Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, inside, but when I look in the mirror I don't see her. And I wonder why she keeps resisting being there, no matter how hard I try.
posted by emily pound at 6:53 AM
3 Comments:
I found your post somewhat sad. Its a weird thing, but as a guy I don't believe I've ever gone through the sense of dislocation from your body that you and many women go through. This is even though I'm a fat man. I've accepted that title and actually enjoy my status. I understand that there are many who will not find my physical shape attractive, but its me and I know that whatever I might do to change it won't magically cause me to morph into a Gap or Abercrombie male model. But I can live with that since my internal value is not related to being a pretty boy. Also, I've earned every roll, bulge and wrinkle and muscle through the way I've led my life, which is kinda neat to me.
Having seen pics of you I know you are a very physically attractive woman who happens to include a few curves of some distinction. But your inner beauty is not hidden away, but easily visible in your eyes and smiles, unless you chose to hide it.
Your friend and admirer
Huge
Hi Jennie,
As you'll see in the comment by Huge, this phenomenon is something that only us women seem to go through and can truly understand. If only we were brought up and raised with the same kind of acceptance of ourselves as men. Why is it so much harder for us? I don't think we can only blame it on the media, although of course that is a huge part of the problem. I honestly think women have always been raised to think of themselves as "lesser" than men, going way back to medieval times when women were thought of as evil and kept sequestered from men. I'm going way off topic here and perhaps a little off base, but I honestly think women are not "supposed" to feel good about themselves. And the lucky few who do are somehow suspect or branded as bitches or whatever.
Huge,
What a sweetheart you are. Thank you for your nice comments. How I wish I was gifted with the self love and self esteem that you have. We women have such a tough time these days. Even thin, "perfect" women feel bad about themselves, like some vital quality they are supposed to have is just not there. Multiply that feeling exponentially by about 1,000,000 for larger women and you'll get an idea just how awful it is sometimes.
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