What Are You Going to be Doing This Easter?

I'll be at my mother's place for dinner on Sunday. Dinner includes my two older brothers, my mother's "significant other" (I never know what to call him, since he seems really not that significant in her life other than just being a fixture on her couch and her shopping/coffee buddy), possibly my "ex" husband (not technically an "ex" since we are still married but technically not really a husband either, as we are not living together anymore or having a marital relationship) and his brother. When he came over for his weekly visit with Emily on Tuesday, I asked him if he and his brother would like to join us and he said he didn't know.

We've been getting along, have been civil with each other, but it's a little weird. He comes over to see Emily on Tuesdays and I make dinner and we sit there and talk, but there's a real lid on things. Recently, we've begun to laugh a little together, but not that much. It's getting better, very slowly. In fact, I'm beginning to worry that we're getting along so well he'll start saying, "Look, we're getting along. Why don't we just get back together?" And I don't want to have to go through the whole myriad of reasons why we shouldn't again. It's so fucking painful.

I so wanted to keep things civil between us when we split. I want Emily to see her dad regularly, to have a good relationship with him, but when I told my husband I was leaving, needless to say he wasn't too disposed to doing what I wanted. He neglected her for awhile, until I got on his ass mightily about it, and we agreed on this Tuesday-for-dinner-and-visit-with-Emily thing, but that was only because I insisted he start acting like a father. If I hadn't done that, I know it's very likely he wouldn't be seeing her at all right now.

So, on Sunday, we could be sitting at my mother's dinner table together, and it will be a little surreal. I know my mother will come up to me after and say, "So, it looks you two are getting along. Why don't you just stop this nonsense and go back home?" I'm telling you, I can hear it now.

Oh well. So it goes with a lady on her own. Everyone thinks they know what's best for her. Everyone tries to tell her what to do. They don't seem to hear her screaming, "Um, I'm doing fine, thank you! I really don't need your input here!"

I am going through such an enormous transition in my life right now. It seems like nothing's happening, it seems really boring and dull, and fraught with financial difficulties, etc. It seems like everything is total chaos. Yet I know deep inside myself that it's not. Sooner or later things are going to level off and I am going to find myself feeling very comfortable with where I am, and knowing that I have done absolutely the right thing. It is the first time in my life I have ever called my own shots, and I know a lot of people aren't happy with it. They're used to me doing what they "advise" me, or, more accurately, what they tell me to do. They're not used to this new woman, going against the grain, facing adversity quite calmly. And I know it makes them feel antsy.

Easter is about rebirth. It's about the triumph of the spirit. And I'm certainly not comparing myself to Jesus, but I do feel triumphant in a way. It would have been so easy for me to continue ignoring my unhappiness and just wasting away. Lots of other women do. But I finally decided I had short-changed myself long enough.

Spring is here! And I am blossoming ... :-)