Sabotage!
I always feel a little anxious between posts, especially if a lot of time has passed since the last one. It reminds me of my teens and early 20s, when I used to keep a diary and did my best to write in it every day regardless of whether anything noteworthy had happened or not. If I were to write only on days when something monumental happens, chances are this blog would be updated very, very seldom.
But I think I've been putting off posting for awhile because I'm afraid of writing what is happening to me. What started off 8 months ago as a very optimistic, courageous, self-loving decision has turned into a depressing swirl of apathy and surrender.
I am seriously considering moving back in with my husband mostly because of my finances. They are dreadful. I am in debt up to my ass -- actually, more like up to my neck -- and I am beginning to think it is impossible for me to survive if I don't. Unless, of course, I get a divorce, but that will take time, and it's something I dread even thinking about, regardless of whether it's the best thing for me or not.
What makes my indecision worse is that lately I feel I made a really bad decision job-wise. This job has not been getting much better, and I am really second-guessing my decision-making abilities because of it. Am I really as intuitive as I thought? And even if I am, who says intuition always steers you the right way? It certainly hasn't seemed to in the job respect. Perhaps in my personal life, and my finances, if I stick to my guns and be a little more patient, things would improve. But they are abysmal.
Needless to say, I'm depressed, I'm afraid, I feel like I have been beaten. And that I am about to betray myself, and, as a friend said to me when I told her I was considering moving back in with my husband, "What are you doing? Why are you sabotaging yourself?"
Is it just fear? Depite all my setbacks, is it fear on my part that I am going in the right direction and I'm desperately trying to steer myself away, because I'm just not used to doing what is best for me? I don't know. All I know is, I am lost. In a deep, dark wood, and I cannot find my way out this time.
But I think I've been putting off posting for awhile because I'm afraid of writing what is happening to me. What started off 8 months ago as a very optimistic, courageous, self-loving decision has turned into a depressing swirl of apathy and surrender.
I am seriously considering moving back in with my husband mostly because of my finances. They are dreadful. I am in debt up to my ass -- actually, more like up to my neck -- and I am beginning to think it is impossible for me to survive if I don't. Unless, of course, I get a divorce, but that will take time, and it's something I dread even thinking about, regardless of whether it's the best thing for me or not.
What makes my indecision worse is that lately I feel I made a really bad decision job-wise. This job has not been getting much better, and I am really second-guessing my decision-making abilities because of it. Am I really as intuitive as I thought? And even if I am, who says intuition always steers you the right way? It certainly hasn't seemed to in the job respect. Perhaps in my personal life, and my finances, if I stick to my guns and be a little more patient, things would improve. But they are abysmal.
Needless to say, I'm depressed, I'm afraid, I feel like I have been beaten. And that I am about to betray myself, and, as a friend said to me when I told her I was considering moving back in with my husband, "What are you doing? Why are you sabotaging yourself?"
Is it just fear? Depite all my setbacks, is it fear on my part that I am going in the right direction and I'm desperately trying to steer myself away, because I'm just not used to doing what is best for me? I don't know. All I know is, I am lost. In a deep, dark wood, and I cannot find my way out this time.
posted by emily pound at 2:17 PM
7 Comments:
I wish I had some profound words of wisdom to help give you the strength you need to find your way. Just know that whatever you decide, it has to be what is best for you and your little girl, even if that mean going back to your husband.
It was the hardest thing I ever did when I left my ex husband with my 3 kids. I hadn't worked in 8 years, didn't have any education or skills to even find a good job. He was pretty much a deadbeat dad while we were married so I knew he wasn't going to improve once we divorced. I have had to support them almost entirely on my own for the last 6 years. It's still a struggle. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
No matter what you decide, I'll still come here every day looking for a new post and something witty to make me Laugh Out Loud. Good luck to you! Things will work out in the end, have faith in yourself.
Thanks, Andrea. Life really sucks for me right now, and seeing your comment gave me a little lift.
Thanks, Andrea. Life really sucks for me right now, and seeing your comment gave me a little lift.
It sounds to me that you made a couple decisions you knew had to be made and that created some uncertainties in your life. I hate to say it but I think those examples of turbulence are usually a part of the transition. It's my belief that generally, if you stick with the main goal, and change the little things that aren't working, you'll get through it eventually and out to the other side where the sun is shining.
I have a lot more to say on the subject but I'll stop myself from monopolizing your space.
I think it's important that you reach out to supportive friends if they're available to you because those people can really help you keep your back and shoulders up straight when you start to slouch.
If you happen to need another supportive friend to talk to, you can let me know by email where to apply.
witness,
thank you. please do email me, I would like that. I certainly need friends right now, and it would be very nice to make a new one. You can contact me by clicking on "View profile" and then click "email me", I believe. till then.
Dear Gabriella,
Everything in life goes in steps. Sometimes we take small steps forward, sometimes it seems like we're stepping back. I can assure you that you have been through such a transition, that you feel you have to take some steps back. That won't be permanent though.
I have been like this my whole life. I feel like I've made some progress, and then suddenly I feel like Im going backwards. Once you get a better job, you can move away from your husband, and start a new life. Everything comes in its time, and I promise you it will all end up working out the best. Trust in yourself.
Hugs, Jennie
Change is always the hardest part of life.Whether it's growing up, growing old, getting married, getting divorced, birth or death, getting fired, or getting hired. Change can be good, and it can be bad. It can start bad and turn out good or visa versa.
You just have to follow your head more than your heart this time. But that's my opinion.
Don't let the fear overcome you. You're a strong woman.
~Lily
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