The Grass Isn't Always Greener

In my case, it's actually been more like a big brown patch of dog-piss delight. And believe me, that is no exaggeration.

My husband and I have been to see a counsellor a few times. To my surprise, it has been somewhat helpful. Whereas before, I always went halfheartedly, this time I went with an open mind, and an actual willingness to get something positive out of it.

Altogether, me and my husband have been separated for a little over 10 months. It has been an amazingly difficult, frustrating, educational experience. When I left -- don't ask me why -- I thought it would be easy. Maybe it was all those fucking self-help books that warp my bookshelves and weigh them down with platitudes like, "If there's a will, there's a way", and "If you can dream it, be it." I have nothing against positive thinking. As a matter of fact, I believe that positive thinking is essential for a happy life. However, there is a big difference between positive thinking and delusion. I think I deluded myself in a lot of ways when I left. I thought I would not have that much trouble meeting someone else -- I'm talking just meeting someone else, never mind having a relationship! Even meeting someone seemed impossible to me. Everyone I connected with was either a total loser or just ... trifling. Perhaps if I stuck it out another five years, out of the law of averages I would finally connect with someone who I believe is "meant for me". But you know what? I'm not willing to take that risk anymore.

My husband told me from the beginning he didn't want me to leave. He told me he loved me. He told me that even though I had hurt him beyond his ability to explain it, he still wanted to be married to me. This, in spite of the fact that he found out I was cheating. This, in spite of the fact we spent half our time screaming at each other either in person or over the phone. The coup de grace came one night after work, after I told him I wanted a divorce, and had stopped by the house to try and temporarily settle a couple of things. Despite the fact we had spent about half an hour screaming at each other on the phone that afternoon, when I walked in I could tell he was just glad to see me, and when I sat down on the couch, I saw a copy of the Holy Bible on the coffee table. I realized then that this man had reached the end of his tether, and I realized I had too. Leaving, I thought, would give me a new lease on life. I would finally be happy after I got a few glitches out of the way. What a crock.

The counsellor we went to see ended up making me realize a lot of things, one of which is that I have blamed my husband for a lot of things that are not his fault at all. I realized this once I lived on my own, but I tried to keep that realization at bay as long as I could. When an unpleasant reality begins to sink in, you tend to try and crawl away from it as much as you can. Well, I can't crawl anymore.

I realize now that I have been blessed to have a husband who has never gone away, no matter how much I tried to push him away. I have decided that instead of whining and moaning about the differences between us, and expecting him to compensate for every single one of them while not compensating for my own faults, I am going to be grateful. This guy has never gone away. He has never told me I'm too fat. He has never told me I'm not young enough or hot enough for him. As a matter of fact, he has told me time and again how much he loves me and how much I turn him on.

Yours truly has woken up from her deep slumber. The hard realities of life have been this Sleeping Beauty's princely kiss.

LIFE IS NOT PERFECT. IT NEVER WILL BE.

Time to start recognizing this, and making up for lost time, instead of chasing some futile fairy tale.