Man or Myth?
Men are always saying they can't figure women out. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em ... you know the old cliches. Yet, I feel the same way about men. They are truly becoming enigmas to me. Have I just been out of the dating scene too long, and things have changed so much that the old mating rituals are unrecognizable to me? I don't think so, because I've felt this way before.
A couple of things have happened to me recently involving men, and I'd like to tell you about them. If you would like to weigh in with your observations, please do ... I would appreciate an objective viewpoint. So, pull up a chair ...
I was feeling rather shitty about myself yesterday. While driving home from work in the Zen of my little VW, which is where I tend to do my most introspective thinking these days, I realized that this was directly caused by a couple of things, although it took me awhile to realize it. When I get upset these days, I tend to just try and brush it away as fast as possible, because I have so many other things on my mind, I don't need a lot of miscellaneous shit cluttering it up. So when people do something that bothers me, I tell myself it's really just inconsequential and move on. Of course, it is far from out of my mind, just kind of brushed away to a dusty corner, where it festers and eats away at me anyway.
Some guy emailed me on a dating site the other day. It had been the first email I had received there in a long time, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive one. I read it and the guy sounded totally inappropriate for me, the main reason being, this guy was a dancer, and I don't mean grooving to Gnarls Barkley or the Bee Gees. He was into serious dancing, like tango, salsa, ballroom, et al. Nobody has two left feet bigger than mine. I hate dancing. But I answered him anyway, said thanks for emailing me, maybe we can get to know each other better.
He sends me an email back saying, by the way, I happen to be a professional astrologer, I've been doing it for 30 years, would you mind sending me your birthdate and birthplace and I'll do a chart for us and see if we're compatible. This really appealed to me. I thought it was pretty cool and I love astrology and anything occult, so I gladly sent him my info and waited with curiosity to see what he would say.
He emailed me back the next day, very briefly ... can you guess where this is going? ... and said, "I did our charts, and although we have some similar interests, in the long term romantically and communication-wise, we are not compatible and it would be a waste of our time. Thanks very much, I hope you meet your "twin flame" and please wish me the same." I was totally astonished. It is the first time I have been dumped before I have even met a person! I thought, Shit, this guy really takes this crap seriously. So, I told myself, No big deal, the guy's a little weird, and kind of rude too ... I mean, not to even give the person the benefit of the doubt, to at least meet them once. So, that was that.
The bigger thing is, I've mentioned this guy I like at work before. I have a crush on him, I admit it. He's Welsh with an adorable accent to match, cute, charming, smart, sexy. We had been flirting like crazy for about the past two or three weeks. One thing I've noticed, though, is that he would flirt with me, then retreat to his office and shut the door as if he was closing himself off entirely and then he'd come back occasionally and flirt again, etc. etc. This went on for awhile. I would catch him looking at me while he thought I wasn't, we would talk about our various interests, etc. But there was always this wall he put up all of a sudden, as if he was saying, I like you, but stay away from me for awhile. So I played it cool and just let him have his distance.
This Monday, when I came in to work, he came in my office to say hello and chat a bit and I happened to ask him how his weekend was. Now, our conversations have been pretty casual, nothing really personal or anything, just chatty kind of stuff. He says, "Well, I went out for brunch with a woman I've been in love with for 15 years ..." (I'm sitting there going, what the fuck, where did this come from? at first I thought he was going to make a joke out of it and say it was his mother, because that's his sense of humour, but then he continued ...) "She just broke up with her boyfriend and I'm hoping I may have a chance, but I don't think I make enough money for her." And he smiled snidely at that, and I was just totally amazed. This woman came out of nowhere. He had made comments, jokes really, about being lonely before, and I knew he was definitely single. I assumed that meant available. Then he pulls this woman out of a hat and ever since then, he's been having as little to do with me as possible. What started out as this really warm, flirtatious thing going on has turned into a really awkward, uncomfortable situation. I really hate it when he comes into my office now (I work in it with one other guy and he comes in and talks to him all the time) because I don't know what to expect from this guy anymore. Now I'm pissed off but wondering if I have the right to be, and just feeling like I don't understand men at all and really never have and I keep seeming to find myself in these situations where I like guys who turn out to want nothing to do with me. Why else would he mention this woman all of a sudden, and in such an open way, when we really don't know each other that well? It was as if he was saying, "I can see you really like me, and I've been thinking you may have been a possibility, but I've decided no, so let me nip this in the bud right now, before it goes any further. " Well, it sure worked. I got the message loud and clear.
Every time he goes into his office now, which is across from mine but out of sight, I hear his door click shut, and every time I hear that door click, I feel like crap. That sound is just another reminder to me that another man I thought I liked has closed himself off to me and put up the walls. And I hear that fucking door click about 30 times a day.
I've heard it said many times that there are men out there who are not superficial, who really do appreciate women for who they are, and who will love me for who I am. To me, these supposed men are nothing more than mythical creatures, like the phoenix, griffin, or Hydra. They don't exist, but people talk about them as if they do.
I can't help but feel that if I were thin, this guy would not only not have mentioned this woman, but he certainly wouldn't be closing his door on me every day.
A couple of things have happened to me recently involving men, and I'd like to tell you about them. If you would like to weigh in with your observations, please do ... I would appreciate an objective viewpoint. So, pull up a chair ...
I was feeling rather shitty about myself yesterday. While driving home from work in the Zen of my little VW, which is where I tend to do my most introspective thinking these days, I realized that this was directly caused by a couple of things, although it took me awhile to realize it. When I get upset these days, I tend to just try and brush it away as fast as possible, because I have so many other things on my mind, I don't need a lot of miscellaneous shit cluttering it up. So when people do something that bothers me, I tell myself it's really just inconsequential and move on. Of course, it is far from out of my mind, just kind of brushed away to a dusty corner, where it festers and eats away at me anyway.
Some guy emailed me on a dating site the other day. It had been the first email I had received there in a long time, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive one. I read it and the guy sounded totally inappropriate for me, the main reason being, this guy was a dancer, and I don't mean grooving to Gnarls Barkley or the Bee Gees. He was into serious dancing, like tango, salsa, ballroom, et al. Nobody has two left feet bigger than mine. I hate dancing. But I answered him anyway, said thanks for emailing me, maybe we can get to know each other better.
He sends me an email back saying, by the way, I happen to be a professional astrologer, I've been doing it for 30 years, would you mind sending me your birthdate and birthplace and I'll do a chart for us and see if we're compatible. This really appealed to me. I thought it was pretty cool and I love astrology and anything occult, so I gladly sent him my info and waited with curiosity to see what he would say.
He emailed me back the next day, very briefly ... can you guess where this is going? ... and said, "I did our charts, and although we have some similar interests, in the long term romantically and communication-wise, we are not compatible and it would be a waste of our time. Thanks very much, I hope you meet your "twin flame" and please wish me the same." I was totally astonished. It is the first time I have been dumped before I have even met a person! I thought, Shit, this guy really takes this crap seriously. So, I told myself, No big deal, the guy's a little weird, and kind of rude too ... I mean, not to even give the person the benefit of the doubt, to at least meet them once. So, that was that.
The bigger thing is, I've mentioned this guy I like at work before. I have a crush on him, I admit it. He's Welsh with an adorable accent to match, cute, charming, smart, sexy. We had been flirting like crazy for about the past two or three weeks. One thing I've noticed, though, is that he would flirt with me, then retreat to his office and shut the door as if he was closing himself off entirely and then he'd come back occasionally and flirt again, etc. etc. This went on for awhile. I would catch him looking at me while he thought I wasn't, we would talk about our various interests, etc. But there was always this wall he put up all of a sudden, as if he was saying, I like you, but stay away from me for awhile. So I played it cool and just let him have his distance.
This Monday, when I came in to work, he came in my office to say hello and chat a bit and I happened to ask him how his weekend was. Now, our conversations have been pretty casual, nothing really personal or anything, just chatty kind of stuff. He says, "Well, I went out for brunch with a woman I've been in love with for 15 years ..." (I'm sitting there going, what the fuck, where did this come from? at first I thought he was going to make a joke out of it and say it was his mother, because that's his sense of humour, but then he continued ...) "She just broke up with her boyfriend and I'm hoping I may have a chance, but I don't think I make enough money for her." And he smiled snidely at that, and I was just totally amazed. This woman came out of nowhere. He had made comments, jokes really, about being lonely before, and I knew he was definitely single. I assumed that meant available. Then he pulls this woman out of a hat and ever since then, he's been having as little to do with me as possible. What started out as this really warm, flirtatious thing going on has turned into a really awkward, uncomfortable situation. I really hate it when he comes into my office now (I work in it with one other guy and he comes in and talks to him all the time) because I don't know what to expect from this guy anymore. Now I'm pissed off but wondering if I have the right to be, and just feeling like I don't understand men at all and really never have and I keep seeming to find myself in these situations where I like guys who turn out to want nothing to do with me. Why else would he mention this woman all of a sudden, and in such an open way, when we really don't know each other that well? It was as if he was saying, "I can see you really like me, and I've been thinking you may have been a possibility, but I've decided no, so let me nip this in the bud right now, before it goes any further. " Well, it sure worked. I got the message loud and clear.
Every time he goes into his office now, which is across from mine but out of sight, I hear his door click shut, and every time I hear that door click, I feel like crap. That sound is just another reminder to me that another man I thought I liked has closed himself off to me and put up the walls. And I hear that fucking door click about 30 times a day.
I've heard it said many times that there are men out there who are not superficial, who really do appreciate women for who they are, and who will love me for who I am. To me, these supposed men are nothing more than mythical creatures, like the phoenix, griffin, or Hydra. They don't exist, but people talk about them as if they do.
I can't help but feel that if I were thin, this guy would not only not have mentioned this woman, but he certainly wouldn't be closing his door on me every day.
posted by emily pound at 2:13 PM
16 Comments:
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with co-workers. If you think the current situation with Welshie is awkward, could you imagine what it would be like if you two dated, then broke-up but still worked across the hall from one another? However, I know how you feel. I had a similar thing happen with one of our company's consultants. I told a friend all the things he had said to me and she's like "oh yeah, he's totally into you." He lived out of state and we would exchange phone calls. Finally I became confused by the mixed messages and confronted him. I was shocked when he said there was "no love connection." I told him not to call me again. Your co-worker could be toying with you because he's insecure about himself. He may use you to feed his ego. Don't blame your weight, he's the one with issues!
Hi Misti,
Thanks for your comment. You're right, it would be even worse if we had gone out with each other and nothing came of it, or we broke up. Still, it pisses me off, the games men play. And they say WE are the game-players! What a joke. I think with this guy, it was an ego thing. He could see I liked the flirtation and he liked what he was getting from it, and then when he reconnected with this "unrequited love", he didn't need it anymore. A jerk.
Dear Emily:
I don't think your weight has anything to do with the two situations you've mentioned and are as likely to have been identical with women who are skinny(or too skinny, depending on your frame of reference). I'm not sure what the guy is doing when he closes the door? is he chatting with his other woman, masturbating, looking at naked pics of women.... or maybe... working?
I also agree that work romances are a bad idea all around and are more likely than not to result in someone getting hurt, either romantically, professionally or work wise. On the other hand, its tough to ignore the place you meet more people at and spend more time with than anywhere else
Dear Gabriella,
Im so sorry! :0(
I guess it is true that an inter-office relationship could get very sticky.
As for his behavior, who knows? I often blame stupid male behavior on the "Y" chromosome.
I hope you meet a nice normal man who appreciates you for who you are. You are a wonderful person! As for the astrology guy, consider it in the way that you dodged a bullet. He sounds like a really weird guy.
Hugs, Jennie
I just felt the need to chime in here on something that Jenn said. She said she hopes "you meat a nice normal man...". Not to pick on Jenn, but I have heard this sort of comment all the time from many women who have been disappointed with men's behavior. I'm not making any bones about the quality or acceptability of the behavior in question. However, I do take umbrage with the notion that what you're seeing in the wild is not a "normal man". What you see is what you get. What you want is most definitely NOT a normal man. This doesn't mean that what you're looking for isn't available in the wild, or even in the wild and not married, or even in the wild, not married and not gay, BUT, it's definitely not an easy find.
Guys are guys. We have different orientation and interests than gals do. So, if you're looking for a guy figure out what you want, but don't rue that there are no "normal" guys out there with whatever it is that you want.
Just so you know, I consider normal to be a very low and boring standard which I strenuously avoid wherever possible.
Huge
I can let you know that I have been in a successful relationship for five and a half years now. My other previous relationship lasted nearly fifteen. I know a little about men. The reason I said that guy was weird, is not because of the astrology thing, as I am also into some strange stuff. The reason I said that was because he dissed her before even getting to know her, based on a ridiculous reason.
What I meant by a "normal" guy, is someone who treats a woman the way she wants to be treated. Someone who works and is financially independent. Someone who has a good moral base. He doesn't have to be rich, but he has to have a good heart.
A guy with a great sense of humor and makes his woman laugh.
Im talking about a man who treats a woman like a "lady" with respect. Is that too much to ask for?
Over the years I have taken a lot of crap from men. The fifteen year relationship ended because that man used to hit me and humiliate me. I was mentally sick, so I didn't have the emotional strength to leave him until nearly fifteen years of him farting in my face, calling me ugly and choking and hitting me.
Getting drunk at his friends and coming home at three in the morning demanding I get out of bed and make him something to eat.
I also think a woman should treat her man with love and respect.
I have learned a lot in my "old age". One thing I learned is that I have higher standards now than when I was younger. That is a GOOD thing! If that means that I narrow my chances of meeting someone, then so be it. My partner and I don't have a perfect relationship, but we are working seriously hard on it. He is a good man, and I am happy with him.
Hi Emily,
I understand!! It is so very frustrating to figure out what the "rules" seem to be anymore. My suggestion is for you to quit looking for awhile - enjoy your new found freedom and things will fall into place. You are an awesome person - he will be there when the time is right.
Good luck :)
Julie
Jen, I understood what you said the first time and have/had no problem with it. Your further explanation shows you understand how critical it is that we find a partner who is good to and for us. My comment was merely related to the use of the term "normal" for a guy who meets your requirements(global your, not Jen's requirements). I don't think the characteristics you identified and those that most women would looking for in a man are found that normally among the male tribe. Now this doesn't mean that all men are knuckledraggers, but some of what women find critical to their happiness is not on guy's radars(it isn't that they're anathema to acting as women want, but that it never occurs to them to act that way-exhibit one, the toilet seat).
Huge
Julie: Thanks for your comment and encouragement. I agree with you. Time to STOP looking. I have come to believe that the harder we try to "get" or "find" something, the more impossible it is to achieve. BREATHE. RELAX ... That's what I'm going to try from now on.
Huge: Your comments are discouraging. Are you saying it's virtually impossible to find a "normal" (I think basically what Jen means is nice, considerate) guy?
Actually, believe it or not, he does put the seat down for me. That is one of the reasons I love him. ;0)
Hugs, Jennie
I don't think you should be discouraged, but more realistic in your expectations. What you're looking for isn't a "normal" guy, but a guy who meets your needs. This doesn't mean this is a fictional creature, but one who has to be searched for diligently...
Huge
IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS GUY IS THE MALE VERSION OF A "COCK TEASER" SHOULD WE CALL HIM A PUSS TEASE??
Im sure I could have worded my post better. Instead of saying "normal" I should have said "decent" or "respectful". Using the word "normal" was just my reference to the guy who didn't want to meet because of the astrology thing. To me, and believe me, I know strange when I see it (Im a MH patient) that seemed creepy. Over a decade of medication and therapy has taught me about appropriate behavior.
Is it too much for a woman to ask for a man who will be good to her? and believe me...I think they are out there. We just sometimes fall for the man who isn't always able to meet our own personal needs. Often times we are more attracted to people who aren't good for us (case in point, my ex boyfriend)
There really is no such thing as the mythical "normal" person. We all have quirks and strangeness about us.
I hope that clears it up.
I think you (Gabriella) deserve a man who will treat you like a Queen.
Hugs, Jennie
anonymous 12:38,
hehe ... you're right on there. You know what's weird, though? As more time has gone by, I'm REALLY starting to dislike this guy a LOT. I pretty much can't stand him coming in my and this other guy's office any more. From what I have seen, I think this guy is addicted to attention, can't get enough of it. The world revolves around him, type of thing.
Jenn: Thanks for saying that, sweetie. :-) Now, you men out there ... where the hell is my crown!!!!!!!
I don't have an answer for you, other than to say that it would probably be easier if we were all gay.
outburst: you're probably right! :-)
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