True Confessions

I spend a hell of a lot of time on the Internet. Probably way too much time. I surf when I'm bored, which is often, and nowadays it's usually at work. When I was unemployed, I spent a lot of time on the computer at home. The point is, I look at God-knows-how-many websites per day and there aren't too many that keep me coming back. There are the blogs of my regular readers, of course :-) I always pop in and see what they have been up to. And, there are a couple of others.

The one I've chosen to write about today is called Not Proud (www.notproud.com).

I have never been one for small talk. I have always felt awkward and uncomfortable with socially-acceptable behaviour like office gossiping. I'm sure you know the verbal quagmires I'm talking about. I've always been a "big" thinker, or a "deep" thinker, if you will, and the kinds of conversations I hear around me on a daily basis do not exactly facilitate discussing the kind of things I find myself thinking about. It stands to reason, then, that the kind of websites I frequent on a regular basis are not going to be stupid, silly, juvenile stuff (unless I'm REALLY bored).

Notproud.com is a place where people can go and anonymously post "confessions" about their lives. There are topics like Lust, Greed, Pride, Envy (as a matter of fact, they are the seven deadly sins) to help you sort out exactly what you want to confess. I can spend hours there. It is really captivating reading. People literally spill their guts out in this website, and I have read things that made me really stop and think about human nature.

We are all alike, and we hide so much from each other. How much of ourselves do we really show other people -- even those closest to us, like our spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, children, parents, siblings? I think people are very much like icebergs, in the sense that 90% of them are hidden or invisible, and it is only the surface that we allow people to see. Some people might go to this website and say they are shocked, or disgusted, by what they read. But they are kidding themselves. The very same people could scroll through the confessions and see many things that apply just as well to them.

Here are a few examples so you can see what I'm talking about (I guess I should say here that the italicized material is the property of NotProud.com):

My mother's boyfriend shot and killed himself while on the phone with her. Sometimes I think about doing the same to you, except in my thoughts, I show up on your doorstep and do it right in front of you. I would never, could never do it, but for once, I'd like someone to feel as much pain as I do, and since you're the source of a good part of that pain right now, I want that someone to be you.

I've been there. Haven't you?

When I'm taking a crap in a public restroom and someone comes in, I make loud straining noises and cough and hack up phlegm and try and provoke a reaction from them. I always fuck it up because I start laughing my ass off.

And I laughed my ass off reading that. :-)

I hate my wife. She is so stupid. Why did I marry her? The baby she was carrying, who I love so much, is the reason. I wish I could just have my baby and find a new wife. I wish she would die so a better wife could be mine.

Can't you just picture this guy going home and saying, "Hi, honey. How are you?" I can.

When I eat potatos I secretly imagine that they are feet.

Hmmmm. :-)

As you can see, the material on this website ranges from the whimsical to the devastatingly painful and raw. There is anger and hostility:

All my friends know that I am a communist. But recently, I have realized that I might actually be a facist. Oh god, I can't decide. There's just a part of me that really wants to be a stormtrooper and wander around in jackboots beating people. Not good.

Before you say, Oh my God, what a sicko, be honest with yourself ... haven't there been times in your life when you wanted to pound and stomp and beat someone into oblivion? Or bludgeon or stab them to death? We all have.

This next one was so painfully lonely and sad I wanted to cry:

For many years I drank and took drugs. Friday will be 13 years clean and sober. I want to drink myself to death. Nobody cares about me nor am I loved. Never have been held and told that I'm important to anyone. My mom tells me she does, after I tried to kill myself once. After I got out of the hospital. I told her she never told me. So now she does out of fear I may do something again. I've never wanted to be rich or famous. Just accepted and loved. I see girls holding and kissing their bf. No girl ever did that to me. It hurts when I see them doing that. Everyone always talks about how angry I am. I'm not angry at them. I'm angry at life for giving me a ugly face and teeth. I posted an ad on yahoo personals 4 months ago. No replys. I emailed girls and was turned down. I am a grown man. 47. Looks like I will go through life alone. Nobody wants a piece of ugly shit like me. I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out some time this year. I'm setting a date. I think even god has just about washed his hands with me. Maybe the bugs will come see me when I'm buried. I want to put a stop to the pain. I'm crying as I type this. I'm so lonely. I'm not a sissy or gay. Just sad and I wish I had the balls to do it tonight. All womon look for is money and good looks. Never whats in a mans heart.

This whole post made me squirm, but the "bugs" line really got to me. There are people who go through life every day having thoughts like these and never being able to talk to anyone about it because no one cares. I hope this man found the strength to go on.

I saved the saddest one for last:

I yell a lot at my dad and say "I hate you!" but I don't really mean it. I kissed a stranger and when he put tongue in I didn't stop him until a few seconds had passed. I wish it never happened. I stole a hairclip a few years ago and wanted to return it but I lost it and won't be going back to the place. Do I still have a chance of going to heaven? I need to because my mom is there.

Can't you just see this girl standing by the side of the road with her thumb out, and then later on standing on a street corner hooking to support her crack habit? I sure can.

This is the real humanity that surrounds us every day. Not the starched, primped, perfectly coiffed people we see on so-called "reality t.v." and in magazines.

NotProud is not taking any new confessions. When you have some time, go and check it out. I'm sure you'll recognize yourself in the words of other people.