My Top 10 Scariest

It's that time of year again, Halloween, when all those great scary movies start coming on t.v. I love horror films. My daughter does too. I'm sure a lot of parents would be horrified by the fact that although she is only six, she is already well acquainted with Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, and various other crazed killers. She always hides her eyes at the scariest parts anyway, and asks me to tell her what's happening. I don't think they'll warp her. She's the child of my loins, after all, and a love of gory horror movies and books is just part of her genetics.

I thought I would list my top 10 scary movie scenes. You may or may not agree, or want to chip in with some of your own. Feel free. These are in no particular order, because that would take just too much damn effort.

1. From "Alien", when Tom Skerritt, who plays the captain of the ship, is in one of the air vents trying to trap the creature and kill it. The other crew members are watching his progress on a monitor, and he is seen as a blip on the screen. It's dark and scary in this vent, and all he has to guide him is a flamethrower and the voice of one of his crew members telling him which way to go. All of a sudden, another blip appears on the screen out of nowhere and they start telling him, "Hurry up, get out of there, it's coming right at you!" He tries, but forget it. He turns and all of a sudden the flamethrower shines light on the alien, with mouth wide open and arms open to grab him. Fucken awesome.

2. From the same film (one of my all-time favourites, not only for horror or sci-fi, but just in general) - the John Hurt "chest-burster" scene. I'm sure most of you have seen this, and my description of it could never do it justice. If you haven't seen it, rent it. You will fucking freak.

3. "Psycho" - Unlike the famous shower scene, which is, of course, a classic, my favourite scene from this movie is when Vera Miles, who plays Janet Leigh's sister, is snooping around Mr. Bates' house and sees him coming through the window. She hides near the basement door and then when she hears him go upstairs she goes into the basement where she sees an old woman, with her back towards her, sitting in a chair. This must be the mysterious Mrs. Bates. "Mrs Bates?" she says, and goes towards her, touches her shoulder, swings her around, and it turns out to be the skeletal remains of Mrs. Bates, complete with empty eye sockets. She screams and so did I. Shiver.

4. From "Body Double" by Brian DePalma, a Hitchcock wanna-be. I hate most of his films and think he is a pretentious asshole, but he has made two or three good ones. This is one of them. The scene is when (I forget the name of the actor) is looking out the window of an apartment he is staying in with a high-powered telescope at his sexy neighbour's place and sees a dark, big hulk of a man breaking in and stealing stuff from a safe in the wall. The sexy neighbour comes home and has no idea this guy is in the house. Of course the guy is freaking out now, and watches as she goes upstairs. The intruder is hiding and looks really really mean. (This is a direct imitation of "Rear Window", another Hitchcock movie). He tries to phone her and tell her to get out of there but then the guy grabs her from behind and they start struggling. The guy takes off running to try and help her but her house is too far away. Then you see this big hulk of a guy raise up the power drill he used to break into the safe and threaten her with it. He ends up power drilling her to the floor and blood gushes through the ceiling. Fuck.

5. From "Halloween", another one of my all-time favourite horror movies, when one of the girls, who has just finished fucking her boyfriend, is filing her nails in bed waiting for him to bring her a beer (sorry, hon, he's just been pinned to the wall by a butcher knife), the bedroom door creaks open and she sees a figure standing there with a white bedsheet on and glasses over the face. She thinks it's her boyfriend and laughs a bit, but is clearly uncomfortable. I would be too. Man! It's Michael Myers baby.

6. From a movie called "Don't Look Now", an older film with Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie. They play a couple who has recently lost their daughter to a drowning accident. They are living in Venice while he is working on a project (he's an architect). All these weird things start happening. Julie Christie meets these twin sisters. One of them is blind and psychic and they have a seance and she starts telling her about her daughter. In the meantime there is a serial killer roaming the city. One night Donald Sutherland sees this little figure in a red coat and he thinks it's his daughter. He chases it and corners her in an abandoned building and sees it only from the back. It's whimpering and afraid. He tells it to turn around and all of a sudden, it does, and it's a dwarf with a butcher knife and she gets him right in the neck with a butcher knife and blood spills all over the place. Really fucking creepy and very effective.

7. "The Exorcist" - what an excellent movie. There are so many great scary scenes in this, but I think my favourite is when her mother and the doctors are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. They are all in her mother's bedroom and Regan is sitting in a chair, being hypnotized. The psychiatrist hypnotizing her says, "Whoever you are who is hearing my voice, you too are now hypnotized. Come forward. Show yourself." Suddenly a picture falls off the mantelpiece, the whole atmosphere and temperature in the room changes, and they all stare flabbergasted as Regan's face starts to change and contort into this demon's face, and she starts growling like an animal. He asks her, "Who are you?" She says nothing but looks up at him ominously and then grabs him by the balls and attacks him. Woowee.

8. "Rosemary's Baby" - another movie with so many great, creepy moments. The ultimate is the climax of the movie, at the very end, when Rosemary has made her way into her scheming neighbours' apartment, where all the Satanists are gathered, and her baby is there in a cradle hung with black draperies. She has a butcher knife with her for insurance, and she convinces them that she is going to see her baby once and for all. She goes over to the cradle, looks in and at first her expression is tender and soft, the face of a mother seeing her baby for the first time, but all of a sudden this look of horror comes across her face and she puts her hand over her mouth as if she is going to scream or be sick. The fact that we never see what the baby actually looks like only makes this more terrifying. We are left to picture it for ourselves.

9. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (the '70s version of course, not that fucken crappy piece of shit "remake") - One of the victims is in the bizarre house, taking in all the bones and birdcages and generally weird atmosphere. There's a steel door in the hallway and all of a sudden it just fucken blasts open and one of the killers is there with a butcher's apron on and that really fucked up mask on his face. She screams and runs out the door but he catches her and drags her back inside. Then he hangs her on a meathook. Fuck!

10. "Ringu" - please note this the JAPANESE version, which was remade with Naomi Watts and was okay but nowhere NEAR as good and creepy as the real thing. The scene is where the heroine's ex-husband is in his apartment. All of a sudden the t.v. turns on by itself and we see the black and white shot of the well. Then, the hands appear, and the girl comes climbing out of the well and starts walking toward the screen. He's just staring at it, knowing something really fucked up is going on. Then she gets to the screen and starts spilling out of it, onto the floor, with her long black hair. He gasps and falls back, and she comes and gets him.

There you have it, my personal favourites. Check them out if you haven't seen them. They are WELL worth it.

Boo!

Joey Ramone's Bangs

I grew up in the late '70s and early '80s, so the music that surrounded me was the long-winded type of stuff perpetuated by groups like Pink Floyd, Yes, Rush, and Styx. It was great, and I loved it, but then punk came along. My older brother got into it before I did. While I was still listening to stuff like 2112 and The Dark Side of The Moon he was telling me it sucked, that the Sex Pistols and The Clash were the coolest bands ever. I stood my ground and told him to take a hike. I stayed loyal to my old rock dinosaurs. Then new wave began to creep in, with groups like The Police, The Pretenders, The Cars, Cheap Trick ... and my perspective began to change. Suddenly the glorious long locks of my heroes looked lame compared to the brush cuts, mohawks and black leather jackets of these new guys.

One of the groups who ushered me into this new realm was The Ramones. The absolute best concert I have ever seen in my life was by these guys. I actually ended up going as an afterthought. A couple of high school friends of mine had scored tickets to a show they were doing at the Danforth Music Hall. Then one of them got grounded by her parents because they found out she'd skipped school and raided their liquor cabinet (I was one of the ones who assisted her in this endeavour). So, her ticket became mine, and me and my other friend proceeded to this concert.

It was general admission and as soon as the doors opened, everyone just ran in and went for what they could get. It was the first concert I had ever been to where the seats were not pre-sold, and I thought this was the coolest thing. Me and my friend ended up in the balcony, but it was just fine because the place was pretty small, an old movie theatre. The whole atmosphere was party party party. I remember seeing a girl dive headfirst into a seat and her fishnet stockinged legs were sticking straight up. The opening act blared away, but of course everyone was just waiting for THEM. Then they came on and they fucking ROCKED. I was officially a total convert. I was now convinced that punk rock was the greatest music that had ever been spawned by any musicians ever.

These memories came flooding back to me as I went on my nightly stroll yesterday. I had my Walkman on, listening to a bunch of music from my formative years. The Ramones came on, doing "Chinese Rock". All of a sudden I was sixteen again, totally stoned from the huge joint I had just smoked single-handedly, my ears ringing from guitar feedback. Then I realized: I had never actually seen Joey Ramone's eyes, EVER. He always had those long black bangs covering them, and he always wore shades anyway. I will always think of him with that long black hair in his eyes. And remember that concert as one of the greatest moments of my youth.

Shopping

I love to shop. I am a typical woman in that sense. It can be for anything: clothes, bags/purses (my personal favourite), shoes, home furnishings, groceries, cosmetics, shampoo ... I am an ideal consumer. Any flashy displays mesmerize me, dramatic billboards catch my eye ... I'm a sucker for it.

Depending on the size of my body, which has fluctuated since I was about 12 years old, clothes are the ultimate shopping experience though. When I lost a ton of weight a few years ago, it was positively orgasmic: the variety and styles that were available was mind-boggling. But even now that I'm back to being "plus size" (God, that's a lame euphemism, but I have to admit it's fitting, pardon the pun), it's still fun. The plus size stores do have a larger variety of stuff available, although of course there is still the awful polyester-looking, old-lady profusion of prints as well. I could just spend hours going through rack after rack, searching item by item, looking for just the right top, or skirt, or pair of jeans. It never ceases to entertain me. Even when I go in the dressing room and try something on and it looks just horrible, I don't lose heart. I just go right back out there and keep looking. I know I'll find something eventually.

Shampoo shopping is fun too. I love all the different colours and smells. I'll never forget though, a teacher of mine in high school saying once, that all shampoo is basically just detergent. You might as well be using Palmolive or something on your hair. Hmmm. Now, there's a woman who probably hated shopping. I actually read the backs of the bottles and take all the propaganda seriously, about it gently cleansing and wrapping a thread of protein around each strand of hair, thus creating lustre and body. Sure, what the heck. I believe it. It makes me feel better, anyway.

I just cannot get into this internet shopping though. I love looking at the stuff online, but actually buying something? You can't try it on, so you'll never really know if it fits or looks good until it gets to you, and by then, if it doesn't, you'd just have to return it, wait another six to eight weeks for the refund ... fuck that. And I wouldn't have the patience to wait for the thing to arrive. When I see something I want to buy, I have fallen in love with it, and I can't wait an indeterminate amount of time to be united with it. I have to be able to touch it and handle it.

My credit card winces every time I walk into a store. But I have made a solemn pact with it not to get too carried away from now on. Really.

Just Scenery

Every morning on my way to work, I see a homeless guy sitting on a bench at Bathurst and St. Clair. He's a big guy, with dirty, matted long hair and a beard, and he always wears a filthy long coat. All his possessions, it seems, are piled high in a cart in front of him. I see him on the way home, too, on the same bench, with the cart in front of him.

Homeless people are hardly rare anymore. They're everywhere and we see them all the time. What freaks me out is how we are able to mentally block them from our vision. I guess it's kind of similar to how doctors distance themselves from their patients by taking a purely clinical approach. I guess we have learned to see them but not see them at the same time, so that we don't have to think about why they don't have a place to live, what it must be like to have to sleep outside in the winter, and wonder where your next meal is coming from.

One morning when I was on the subway going to work, a scrawny black woman got on the train. She looked really wired, like she was either on, or in need of, a big dose of crack. She strode to the other end of the car and then she shut her eyes really tight, as if she were in pain, and started shouting, "I'm hungry! Can somebody help me out?" Then she started stalking her way up the car, stopping at each person and holding her hand out. Everyone just shook their heads and averted their eyes. I did too, when she passed me. I just kept thinking that if I gave her money, the first thing she would do is go out and use it to buy some crack. It was really awful. I could have sworn I was in Brooklyn or something.

It's pretty sobering to think that sometimes our biggest problems are paying our bills, finding the right hairdresser, finding just the pair of shoes to go with an outfit. At least we have jobs that enable us to pay those bills, even if we are living from paycheque to paycheque. Meanwhile there are all these people out there living on benches, trying to figure out how to get from day to day. How do they do it? It's a mystery to me.

I Wuv My Wittle Bug :-)

As you may have noticed, I have been absent for a few days. That's because my VW and I have been engaged in an extremely passionate, wonderful affair. We are spending our days together in bliss, enjoying being united, travelling together, as one. Oh man. I cannot begin to tell you how great this feels. I never thought I would ever be a driver. And now, all of a sudden, I am. Just the idea that I can simply walk to my car, get in, and drive wherever the hell I want astounds me. I'm not used to that kind of freedom, that kind of independence. I always used to be the passenger. Not anymore.

I've bought my baby a couple of little tokens of admiration. I've hung an air freshener that's really nice, not one of those awful tree-shaped pine-scented thingies, but an air freshener that actually looks good and is decorative. It's shaped like a sun and has a smiley face and it's really neat-looking, a kind of transparent amber colour. Then, the key chain I bought broke off, so I attached the decorative part, a purple flower, to a silver chain I found and hung that off the rearview mirror too. It looks great. I want to buy jewellery for my baby. Damn, I want to buy her a diamond ring.

Today was my third ride in to work. I love driving in the morning. I work way north of Toronto, and most people are going the other way, towards downtown, so there's not that much traffic. Most of the way I just sail along, catching every green light. And of course I have my music on. The stereo in my Bug is awesome. It has Dolby sound and is really choice. I have a whole box of tapes I made back in the 80s and early 90s and I'm getting all these bursts of nostalgia listening to them. It is fabulous.

Oh VW, I love you. I will take such good care of you and enjoy you. In return I know you will keep me safe and get me to my destinations on time. We are such a great couple. And I'm so glad I found you. :-)

I'm in love!

:-) I'm Legal! :-)

Oh my God oh my God I did it I did it I did it ... I passed! Oh man what a relief. And the thing I dreaded the most, backing into a parking space, I ended up having to do, but it turned out great. I executed a perfect backing-into-a-parking space maneuver. Somebody up there must have been with me. :-)

I picked a good driver examination centre. It was in Mississauga, for those of you who don't know, a suburb of Toronto, and it wasn't a very busy area. And it was cool because a bunch of us were all leaving the centre at the same time, and I could tell what I'd have to do by the person in front of me. If they put their left signal on, the instructor in the car with me would tell me, "Turn left," so I had fair warning. But he had me make a right on one street and do a three-point turn, which went well. I actually like doing those, they're easy. Then he asked me to pull over on another street and do a downhill park. I paused for a second, trying to remember which way to turn the wheels, and I'm pretty sure I got it right (to the right). I remembered to put the parking brake on. Then that was pretty much it. He had me drive back to the centre and back in. Wooooohoooooo!!!! :-)

When he first came out, I was a little worried, because he knocked on my window and mumbled something about trying my brake lights and signals and I wasn't sure I understood him and he had this pissed off look on his face. I was like, uh oh, this guy's in a bad mood, he's going to take it out on me. But then when he got in the car, he just told me, "Just follow the rules of the road, watch the speed limit, unless I tell you to make a turn just follow the road. Any questions?" Nope! And we were off!

Oh this is SO SO cool. I'll be driving to work Tuesday morning. No more begging people to give me a ride somewhere! I'm beholden to no one!

Yay!!!! I'm SO happy right now. :-)

Tomorrow's the Day

Well, it's sink or swim. Tomorrow is the driving test and I am going nuts. I cannot back into a fucking parking space without maneuvering and re-maneuvering about 10 times. Parallel parking isn't so bad, but I'm either right on, snuggled up perfectly to the curb, or way off, a mile away from it. There's no in-between with me.

A couple of my colleagues took their road tests recently and both of them told me their tests lasted like, 15 or 20 minutes, tops. I pray that this is the case with me. I also pray my tester doesn't ask me to back into a parking space. Anything else I feel relatively confident about, but that -- I just KNOW I'll fuck up terribly, with the pressure and everything. I'm rusty enough at it when I'm in a no-pressure situation.

I am either going to be high as a kite by this time tomorrow or as low as the most heart-rending blues song you've ever heard. But if I do fail, I'll try not to beat myself up too badly about it. Another colleague here told me it took her 3 tries to get her licence. My mother was the same.

Wish me luck, people. You know what the subject of tomorrow's post will be. :-)

Secrets and Lies

One of my favourite movies was on last night -- "Secrets and Lies", by director Mike Leigh. It's a British film, a few years old now, and I have probably seen it about 10 times by now, but I could probably see it another 50 and still not get bored of it. It's about a downtrodden, blue-collar single mother in her late 40s, named Cynthia. Her life is just filled to the brim with sadness, but she is still this very loving, sweet woman. She has a 21 year old daughter who is sullen and hostile and works as a street-sweeper. She also insults her at every opportunity, no matter how hard Cynthia tries to get along with her. Cynthia's brother loves her dearly but is a little afraid of her desperation and his inability to help her. He's married to a woman who hates Cynthia and is obviously jealous of Cynthia's close relationship with her brother. Cynthia's life is nothing but monotony and sadness. All she does is work in a factory and get verbally abused by her daughter and live in a dismal house packed to the rafters with junk. The only solace she has is when her brother comes to visit her. But Cynthia had given up a baby for adoption many years earlier, and the film starts with this baby, now a grown woman named Hortense, deciding to try and find her mother. The kicker is, the "baby" is black and Cynthia is white.

Hortense tracks Cynthia down through the adoption agency, gets her phone number and calls her. At first Cynthia is terrified and hangs up, but when Hortense phones back she agrees to meet with her. When they do meet, and she sees that she is black, at first she tells her, "I'm sorry sweetheart, but they've made a mistake down at the offices." Hortense shows her her birth certificate, her name and address on it, but Cynthia still insists this has to be a mistake. They go have tea and talk a little more and Cynthia says, "No offense, darling, but I've never been with a black man in my life." Then, as she's sitting there staring into space, her expression starts to change and then she looks at Hortense in shock and goes, "Oh, Mary Mother of God!" and obviously remembers something she has tried to forget for many years. She never reveals who the father was, or what happened, but it's obviously nothing she relishes remembering.

Anyway, from that moment on, their relationship starts to build and grow, and it is so beautiful seeing how reconnecting with the daughter she had given up so many years ago starts to transform her and change her life. Hortense is an optometrist, an educated, successful young woman with her own apartment and car, totally different from the kind of life Cynthia has been used to. Seeing her daughter turn out so well starts to make Cynthia realize maybe her life has not been a vast waste after all, and she starts to get the first glimmers of pride and happiness she has had, maybe, ever. She had never told her daughter anything about her giving up a child for adoption, and it all comes to a head at a birthday party where everything is revealed.

As far as I am concerned, this movie is a masterpiece. Mike Leigh is known for letting his actors improvise their dialogue, there are no scripts. The whole movie is just so real and so heart-rending. It's all about how the secrets that we keep and the lies that we tell damage us, but in the end, if we make peace with them, they can actually transform us and lead us to whatever happiness life decides to dole out to us. It may not be what we had imagined; but it is there, all the same, if we know where to look for it.

Countdown to D-Day

Okay. It's almost here. Friday, October 7th, 8:40 a.m. The date and time of my triumph or demise. My road test.

I've been practicing like crazy. I've done my parallel parking, backing into a parking space, the dreaded hill park (still can't get the hang of it, which way do you turn the wheels again?), 3-point turns (a snap!), left-hand turns, right-hand turns, and cutting people off. That, apparently, is my major faux pas, as my husband always hastens to inform me. But it's not malicious, honestly. Just lack of experience. "USE YOUR MIRRORS!" he's always telling me. Especially the one on the driver's side. Check it before you change lanes, don't forget the blind spot, and speed up, not slow down, for Chrissake, before you pass someone. I've pissed off about a dozen people in the last month or so by not doing one or the other of those things. Thankfully I haven't encountered any road rage but lots of honking horns and pissed off looks.

Have mercy on me. The insurance company sure as hell doesn't.

Two of my colleagues did their road tests recently, and both of them passed ON THE FIRST TRY. If I flunk, I am going to be so depressed. I will also feel like such a dork. My main reason for wanting to drive now is because of where I work. It's an hour and a half commute from where I live by train/bus, and it really really sucks. If I flunk my test and have to go back to taking public transit until I pass, I will be completely, sorely, ashamed and abashed.

Anyway, I still have a couple of days to practice. I'm sure I won't sleep much on Thursday night, and I'll be nervous as hell on Friday morning. Afterward, I'll either be completely elated or completely bummed out. I think my chances are pretty good. I'm a fairly good driver. I think I can do this.

I can I can I can.

When Bad is Good

I rented the crappiest dvd the other day. Few things piss me off more than spending money on a movie you think is going to be great and it turns out to be a piece of crap. In this particular case, I got double-screwed, because I actually rented two dvd's that turned out to be crap. The two culprits were both Asian horror films, which I figured was a no-brainer, since every other Japanese horror film I've seen has been fantastic, but I found out the Japanese can be just as adept at making crappy sequels as Americans. I rented "Ringu2" (sequel to "Ringu" or as commonly known in the U.S., "The Ring") and a real piece of shit called "Phone". All the characters were totally unlikable and the plot was absolutely unfollowable.

But there are bad movies that are dear to my heart, that are so bad they are actually good. One of my favourites in this genre is a gem from the '70s, I believe, called "Moment by Moment" starring Lily Tomlin and John Travolta. Some Hollywood hotshot actually had the lunacy to think he could match these two romantically. I love Lily Tomlin, I think she's a good actress and very funny but let's face it, she's not going to win any beauty contests. And John Travolta was at a very hot point in his career at the time, having just finished doing "Saturday Night Fever", I believe. He had the hot bod, the "Welcome Back Kotter" cuteness at that point. So, not exactly a credible pairing. But that's what made it so great. Lily played this rich divorcee who had just been dumped by her mid-life crisis asshole husband. He left her the Malibu beachhouse but took off with the sports car and the bimbo. Lily was absolutely crushed by this, and spent most of her time trying to gain solace by reading at the beach, or crying into her toy poodle's fur. But then along came John, a hunky little piece of a beach boy, strolling along the beach seeing her and he starts hitting on her. At first she just thinks he's nuts but then she gradually comes to acknowledge her attraction to him and begins a very idyllic, carefree relationship with him. Of course the only problem is, he's 20-something and makes like $2.00 an hour delivering groceries and she's this rich 40-something divorcee, so they can never really mesh. But as in all totally implausible, bad Hollywood movies, they end up living happily ever after together at the end. The movie is just chock full of ridiculous dialogue and hilarious, mismatched, bad acting. You've got to see it if they ever re-run it on t.v., or even rent it if you can. You won't regret it.

Like I did with those crappy horror films.