The Blair Bitch Project

Throughout my life, I have been subject to much bitchery. Therefore I consider myself something of an authority on it. I have encountered bitches in school, at work, at home, on the street, in the subway, in stores ... they are everywhere. There are all kinds of bitchery. There is jealous bitchery, bitchery just because, petty bitchery, catty bitchery, PMS bitchery (this is partially excusable, but only if I'm not suffering from PMS myself), cruel bitchery, gang bitchery ... in short, there is a bitchery for every occasion. Now, being female, I can say this and not be accused of being a woman-hater because I am a woman myself. And men can definitely be bitches too, or practice "male bitchery". But there is a particular venom, a very subtle and nuanced attack that only women are capable of, and expert at, practicing. Men are just not capable of it because men, in general, are too in love with themselves to sit there and think of ways to really get at someone. Whereas women sometimes revel in scheming about how to "get" someone good. And women can be worse than men when it comes to other women. I know in school, whenever a new girl appeared, if she was really pretty, a lot of girls who I had considered good friends dumped me and flocked to girls like this, ingratiating themselves with her, trying to get her to be their friend. That kind of betrayal is worse than the betrayal of a man for dumping you after sleeping with you. After all, men are men, we all know that most men are morons when it comes to sex. They'll use you and move on without a second thought. But when someone of your own sex dumps you as a FRIEND for someone prettier or "cooler" or whatever, that's really nasty.

The following are a few minor examples of bitchery I have encountered in my life.

Subway Bitchery
One morning I was going to work and the train was packed. Every seat was taken, except two bench seats with a person on either side and a space in the middle. One of them had two women on it, one old and one young, and a large shopping bag in between. I moved to this one and said to the older woman, to whom it seemed the bag belonged, "Excuse me, could you move your bag?" She ignored me. Thinking perhaps her age had made her hard of hearing, I said, louder this time, "Excuse me, could you please move your bag?" She still ignored me, stared straight ahead, wouldn't even look at me. Okay, I thought, and started to move the bag myself, intending to put it on the floor at her feet. Immediately she reached over and grabbed the bag, pulled it to her side, and pointed sharply across the aisle at the other bench seat. I stood there, incredulous. This fucking bitch wouldn't move her bag so I could sit there. "Bitch!" I hissed, and went to the other seat. I felt like pounding her. She glared at me and I glared back at her.

Work Bitchery/Jealous Bitchery
At the company I work for, the big boss bitch who used to run my department was a fifty-ish woman with a face like a frog. She was, however, a lawyer, obviously considered herself extremely sophisticated and educated, and never let you forget it. One afternoon we had a lunch for a colleague who was leaving. I had recently lost a lot of weight and enjoyed wearing clothes that proudly displayed my new body. On that particular day I was wearing a navy blue wool mini-dress (pretty short, I admit, but a couple of inches past my ass) and knee-high tan high-heeled boots. I looked good. That day as we were leaving, we crossed paths with her as she came out of the bathroom. We all said goodnight and immediately I could see the sour look on her face as she looked at me and I knew she was thinking: "Slut!" The next Monday morning when we got in to work, we all got a memo setting out the company dress code: No short skirts, low-cut tops, etc. Right.

I was subject to all kinds of bitchery from this woman. Yet another example: she took a leave of absence shortly after our company went through a merger and there were a lot of changes going on. Personally I think her ego couldn't handle the fact that she had been relegated to a lesser status, so she was inexplicably gone. Then it was announced she had formally resigned, and she sent us an email saying, "I'll miss you all, blah blah blah" yeah sure "and if you want to email me, here's my address." I don't know what possessed me, because I couldn't stand her, but I did email her and asked her, "So what are you going to be doing, do you have another job or are you taking an early retirement?" She sent me back a curt response: "In answer to your questions, no." Fuck, man. What a bitch.

Friend Bitchery
I used to hang out with my best friend in high school every day. We'd see each other at school, go to each other's houses and hang out, smoking and talking. Every weekend we'd party together. After high school, she started going to college. I was still in high school (I was a year behind her) and she met some new friends there. One night I was at her place and the phone rang. It was a friend of hers from college, and as I sat there I could see they were having this really intense conversation. She was saying, "Yeah, yeah, no I'm not busy" and that got my antenna up because the next day was a Friday when we habitually went out and partied. When I left that night, I asked her "So are we still going out tomorrow?" "Yeah," she said, avoiding my eyes, and I knew she had made other plans, but I waited to see what she would do. Sure enough, the next night when I phoned her place and asked for her, her stepfather tells me, sounding puzzled, "Uh, she's gone out for the night." It really made me furious. If she had made other plans, why the hell couldn't she just have told me? But she chose to bullshit me and fuck up my plans instead. When I confronted her about it a couple of days later, she just acted really cold and said, "I don't have to report to you." Nice.

Anyway, those are just a few infinitesimal examples of the bitchery I have encountered in my life. I'm sure you have many of your own.