Yo-Yoing

Binge, starve, binge, starve, binge binge binge, starve starve starve ... I've been doing it forever. Since I was about 10 years old, I've had a weight problem. My mother used to nag me about my weight when I was kid, telling me if I didn't watch out, I'd be fat. Well, I watched out, but I still turned out fat. Looking back on it now, when I look at pictures of myself as a child, I don't see a fat child. I see a plump child, a chubby child, maybe, but still a pretty child. Maybe if I hadn't been hounded about my weight all my life things would've been different. But blaming anyone doesn't do any good. When it comes down to it, you are the only one responsible for your life.

I must've been on about 100 diets throughout my life. And when I've been on them, I starve myself silly. It's like a penance I pay for eating well when I'm not on a diet. But there is a difference between eating well and pure gluttony. Purely obsessive eating. Some people use alcohol, some people use cocaine or heroine, some people use sex ... my drug of choice is food. It always has been. I've gone through periods dabbling in the other addictions, but nothing compares to food. Nothing Compares 2 U, Food.

The most recent starvation diet I went on was the Dr. Bernstein Diet. It worked for the 6 months I was able to tolerate being on it. I don't know how the hell I did it, other than to prove to myself that I could do it. But I lost over 100 pounds in 6 months and was the lightest and "best looking" I've ever been in my life. But then I just couldn't stand it anymore. The sugar centre in me that was so unbelievably deprived started saying, "help, help!" and I went on binges with a vengeance. Up, down, up, down ... my scale is schizophrenic.

I wonder often what it is like to be thin. Naturally thin, the kind of person who could eat a whale and not gain an ounce. People like that might as well be from Pluto, as far as I'm concerned. We live in a whole different galaxy.