Goodbye, Summer
I know, I know ... we're already a few days into the fall. So my goodbye to this summer is a little belated. Forgive me. Maybe it took me this long to devise the proper farewell. After all, this was a very important summer for me. Pretty monumental, actually. I was "single", sort of. I got a taste of what it would be like to be a single mom, and now I know why single moms are so stressed out. It was hard enough for me to cope with one child; I can only imagine what it would be like with two or three. I also met someone very special. You read about him earlier in this blog -- see, I'm Just Another One of His Stories Now. This is what this summer was like for me: sweating in the extreme heat; arguing with my husband; being apart from my husband; meeting the special guy; making out with the special guy, many many times, and talking to him about the situation with my husband; arguing with my mother about what I wanted to do with my life; taking my daughter to High Park pool and trying not to feel monstrous around all the hot bods; emailing the guy, meeting him for coffee, going to his place; being amazingly happy; breaking up with the guy; being terribly depressed and feeling terribly guilty. In short, finding out what it is like to really be me, and what I am all about.
I had the summer I should have had when I was in my early 20's. I went through a real rite of passage this year. But I can't see it ending now. I look at my mother now, in her early 70s. She still looks great, she still has a pretty face and she's in pretty good health. But she has been the same person all her life, as long as I have known her, anyway. The only major change in her life has been the loss of my father. She replaced him with someone else with scarcely enough time to draw a breath and her life simply continued on, in much the same vein. She has her house, her beautiful garden, her crystal, her china, her dishes, her beautiful furniture. It was like when she got married and had kids, she simply stopped evolving. I cannot see myself like that. I cannot imagine myself just sitting back and admiring my surroundings. I'm always thinking of who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to do. I cannot see myself just placidly gardening, making sure the house is spotless, tending endlessly to my nest. I don't think I will ever be like that. I always have to be thinking about something, working on something or working toward something.
Maybe when I'm 80 I'll get myself a rocking chair. But right now, there's still way too much to do.
I had the summer I should have had when I was in my early 20's. I went through a real rite of passage this year. But I can't see it ending now. I look at my mother now, in her early 70s. She still looks great, she still has a pretty face and she's in pretty good health. But she has been the same person all her life, as long as I have known her, anyway. The only major change in her life has been the loss of my father. She replaced him with someone else with scarcely enough time to draw a breath and her life simply continued on, in much the same vein. She has her house, her beautiful garden, her crystal, her china, her dishes, her beautiful furniture. It was like when she got married and had kids, she simply stopped evolving. I cannot see myself like that. I cannot imagine myself just sitting back and admiring my surroundings. I'm always thinking of who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to do. I cannot see myself just placidly gardening, making sure the house is spotless, tending endlessly to my nest. I don't think I will ever be like that. I always have to be thinking about something, working on something or working toward something.
Maybe when I'm 80 I'll get myself a rocking chair. But right now, there's still way too much to do.
posted by emily pound at 11:25 AM
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